Social Q's: As a Sober Person, How Should I Serve Alcohol to Friends at Dinner Parties?

[katiedid717]

I have been sober for one year after many decades of heavy drinking. By now, I am somewhat comfortable being around others when they drink. I also enjoy entertaining friends in my apartment, but I no longer maintain a well-stocked bar, nor do I wish to. So, what should I do about dinner parties? I want to be a gracious host, but I don’t want to offer a full range of alcoholic beverages to my guests. Should I ask them in advance what they want to drink and stock it? (That seems a bit intense.) Should I buy a bottle each of red and white wine and hope that suffices? (That seems stingy.) Or should I tell my guests that dinner is a “bring your own bottle” occasion? (That seems ungenerous.) Help!

SOBER

First, let me commend you on your sobriety. Making meaningful and positive change after decades of habitual behavior is a big achievement. Well done! So, making note of your phrase (you write that you are “somewhat comfortable” being around drinking), and keeping the relative stakes in mind — protecting your sobriety versus giving a dinner party — I suggest that you hold off serving booze for now. Your sobriety is still relatively new, and it is more important to safeguard it than it is to serve alcohol to friends.

You don’t mention whether you attend a support group for people in recovery. But dropping into a meeting to speak with others who have lived through experiences similar to yours would probably be helpful. They can’t make this decision for you, but hearing their suggestions may help you make a better decision for yourself. I have watched friends in recovery struggle with alcohol that is left over at the end of the evening — as well as with the temptation to join guests in drinking during dinner.

I also suggest that you rethink what makes a good host. For many decades, that probably entailed serving alcohol to your guests. But really, the act of welcoming friends into your home for a meal — and perhaps a nonalcoholic beer or cocktail — is more than enough. No one needs to drink at every meal, and your friends don’t need you to serve them alcohol to feel valued by you.

Comments

[katiedid717]

I've been mostly-sober for the past two years, and while my reasons were different from the LW's (fertility treatments, pregnancy, and single parenthood), I still felt similarly about "Do I have to offer this if I won't be partaking of it?" What I ultimately settled upon was sending my friends a message earlier in the week along the lines of "Looking forward to dinner on Thursday! I'll be serving pasta with homemade meat sauce, salad, and garlic bread, plus there will be brownies for dessert. I have Diet Coke and a variety of seltzers available, but you're also welcome to BYOB if there's something else you'd prefer!" Some guests brought a bottle of wine or a 6-pack of beer, others were satisfied with what I had on hand; if there was any left at the end of the night, I would ask them to please take it with them.

[green_grrl]

That’s what I thought would be a good answer. If LW says they are okay, why not take them at their word?

Better advice would have assured LW that it is not ungenerous to suggest people bring what they prefer — tastes vary widely anyway. Then maybe a note at the end to check in with sponsor or group to get an experienced opinion check before going ahead with it.

[mrissa]

We're not even "sober," we just don't happen to drink. We have people over all the time without offering them alcohol. We also don't offer them Diet Pepsi, kombucha, or Red Bull, because we don't drink those things. Our vegan friends don't offer meat. Our celiac friends don't serve gluten. It's fine.

[nineveh_uk]

Serving alcohol, or allowing BYOB, is unnecessary, but I wonder whether what the LW is feeling is a loss of a sense of ceremony of some sort, in comparison to their former offering of the "well-stocked bar" that they perhaps enjoyed presiding over? In which case, buy some good chocolates and coffee, and enjoy serving those.

[matsushima]

I don't drink - no reason, just never got started - and I've never served alcohol when friends come over… but I do enjoy a fancy mocktail and I have a variety of syrups, etc. Maybe LW could have a mocktail bar?

[katiedid717]

Mocktails are a really good idea! Couple of my sisters don't drink but they've both made comments in the past about how sometimes they would like to have a fancy beverage also. I had a mocktail party with them a couple years ago and it was really fun to come up with a couple of ideas that felt like a special occasion beverage instead of a glass of juice

[teaotter]

I think this is a social-group issue. My friends wouldn't assume there will be alcohol at a dinner party; they would also be comfortable bringing alcohol to share and wouldn't consider it ungenerous of me to let them bring such. My in-laws, on the other hand, wouldn't throw a dinner party without at least a basic bar for pre-dinner drinks and both red and white wine for guests, and would be horrified if someone brought a bottle because (they assume) it would imply that they were bad hosts.

For this kind of potential minefield of assumptions and judgment, I think the suggestion of looking for a support group's input is a good one.

[katiedid717]

This is a good point. It may also depend on the specific composition of the group for the letter writer - for example, good friends who know that LW has been sober. Would be far less likely to question a lack of alcohol than, say, colleagues who have only attended a couple of dinner parties and were offered use of an entire bar the last time they were there. We don't know LW's gender from the letter, but that can also lead to somewhat fraught circumstances - if you're a woman of a certain age range and you are suddenly not drinking, there are assumptions that may be made about the tenancy of your uterus

[movingfinger]

For decades, hospitality meant having ashtrays, lighters (some very fancy!) or matches, and a handsome box of cigarettes or cigars for guests. LW doesn't worry about doing that, and shouldn't worry about serving alcohol if they don't personally like it.

[tielan]

Australian here: "BYO" is absolutely a thing at parties. Sometimes the host will offer alcohol, sometimes they won't. If a guest really needs the alcohol, they bring their own. Or a bottle of wine for people to share.

But good guests (in my books) would neither expect a sober host offer them alcohol, nor bring alcohol into the house. What even.