agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a strict no-sugar policy for my two kids, “Tiffany,” 4, and “Tyson,” 6 outside of special occasions. The trouble is that my husband’s parents have been violating it. They watch our kids along with their cousins (3 and 5) while we all work during the week. I recently learned that my in-laws take the kids out for ice cream on Mondays and Fridays in addition to allowing graham crackers as snacks. I am furious that they would breach my trust like this. My husband is no help; he says that it’s a small price to pay for free childcare and that he and his siblings grew up eating treats and they turned out fine. I say they need to adhere to my rules. Please tell me I’m right.

—Scandal

Dear Scandal,

Yeah, you’re absolutely right. (But do we really think this is a “scandal”? What kind of sleepy-ass town do you live in?)

It’s always difficult to deal with people of a different generation who love to eye-roll over some of the rules parents of this generation have in place. Seatbelts are optional! Peanut allergies aren’t real! Asbestos helps your bones grow! God made butterflies to become decorative ornaments nailed to a corkboard! (That’s what we in the biz refer to as a callback.)

But here’s the thing, yes, these are your rules, but do you think that considering their cousins are not required to abstain from sugar and probably mainlining Rocky Road and gummy bears, that your children are in jeopardy of some serious sugar-envy?

Here’s a suggestion: Remind your in-laws of your sugar policy. But then, how about we give your kids a sugar hall pass, and let’s make visits to their grandparents one of those special occasions you’ve mentioned?

—A.J.

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From start to finish, AJ could not be more wrong.

Maybe you do have the moral right to say "no sugar" for your kids, but how're you gonna enforce that with childcare? Newsflash, you're not. The grandparents are watching these kids five days a week for free, but even if they were getting their expenses covered or, gasp, getting paid - you cannot pay people enough to wipe your kid's snotty nose and also never give them ice cream or a graham cracker. Even if there was a valid health concern and everybody is actually responsible and onboard with not killing the kid that doesn't mean "no treats", that means they go out of their way to provide safe treats. Nobody does childcare if they can't treat the kid occasionally. The job isn't worth it if you can't get those cheap smiles.

If you don't want your kids to have treats then you need to watch them yourself.

Yup.

LW, you *and your husband* need to both agree to rules, and then you need to talk about how to apply them. Forget your in-laws: your husband doesn't seem to agree with your no-sweets rule either, and the fact that you call them "my rules" instead of "our rules" says something. He's their dad: he gets a say too, and you need to listen to him and compromise, or he's going to be the one sneaking them treats (he probably already is.)

That's a good point. Even if the partner obeys the rules, it's not a good situation, because they should be in agreement about how to raise their children!

The ex and I had different ideas about feeding our kids. I was much more "cook from scratch, limit high fructose corn syrup, offer vegetables every dinner". There was a corner market a couple blocks away, and the kids called it the "Papa treat store". By the time the kids were in school, a) I loosened up and b) we were getting divorced.

I do not and never will have kids, but as someone who was one long ago and also has a weapon-grade sweet tooth.... zero sugar except on "special occasions" sounds horribly bleak

Look, assuming no health issues like

a) allergies
b) diabetes
c) food colouring = migraines

the occasional sweet thing is not going to hurt the kids.

What WILL hurt the kids is giving them the kind of complex around food (belief that certain foods are "bad") that can lead to eating disorders like Anorexia or Bulimia.

This

Also. Free Child Care

Oh God, not the graham crackers! The horror!

I agree with other commenters, LW and husband need to agree on their rules/policies for their children, and free childcare is nothing to scoff at (weeps in $2100/mo daycare). Also, as others have pointed out, having strong restrictions on certain foods is a great way to develop disordered eating habits later on

As soon as they have an allowance and some autonomy, these kids will be spending it all on a single Devil Dog from somebody else's lunch at school. The LW isn't teaching them anything about self-control, moderation, When We Enjoy Snacks Versus When We Eat Our Hummus And Carrots, and it's gonna totally backfire.