[Ask a Manager] my coworkers keep asking about my weight loss — and it’s not good news

[magid]

A reader writes:

I have recently lost a significant amount of weight and it’s definitely noticeable. People regularly comment on it in a positive way — “oh my gosh! you look so great” — and similar comments. I know that the comments are well-intended and people mean it as a compliment.

Unfortunately, the weight loss is a result of some health issues that I’m working closely with multiple doctors to figure out. The potential diagnoses range from moderately serious but treatable, to very serious and life-altering. I don’t talk about it with anyone at work because I get emotional and start crying, and I don’t want to do that at work.

My usual response is to just say thank you and move on. Occasionally, someone will ask, “How did you do it?” I’m sure they’re looking for an answer like a specific diet plan or surgery or a shot. The first time it happened, I blurted out, “I’ve been really sick, but I don’t want to talk about it at work.” I started crying and had to walk away. The poor woman was horrified and I was super embarrassed to have caused a scene.

Any suggestions for how to respond to comments ranging from kind and complimentary to prying and nosy?

People really need to think about this more often.

If someone has new haircut or a fun shirt, you can generally assume it was an intentional choice and compliments will be welcome. Weight loss is not that way, and sometimes it is upsetting, stressful, or caused by something bad.

That said, if someone compliments you, I think you’re right to simply say thank you and move on; there’s no point in getting into it at work.

But I also don’t think you should be embarrassed by your response to the coworker who asked how you did it. If nothing else, she is now much less likely to put someone else in the same position in the future. However, these are some other ways you could say it in the future:

* “Nothing I want to get into at work, but it wasn’t intentional.”
* “Well, for me it’s health issues. Nothing I want to get into at work, though.”
* “I’ve been ill.”
* “You couldn’t have known, but it’s a health thing and might not be good news.”
* “You couldn’t have known, but it’s a health issue.”
* “Stress and health problems, mostly!”

All of these reveal more information than you should have to reveal at work. So if you prefer, you could also say something like, “Honestly, it’s my least favorite conversation right now. But how is ___ (subject change)?”

(Also, “how did you do it?” is such a weird reflex for people in this situation! They already know the relatively limited range of possible answers. No one is going to answer with, “I found a box of magic beans behind the building and there are still some there if you want to grab them.”)

I hope your letter will be a PSA reminding people not to assume all weight loss is good news or welcome.

Comments

[mrissa]

Also repeat to yourself: YOU didn't cause a scene, THEY caused a scene.

LW did not walk up to co-workers saying, "PLEASE EXAMINE MY BODY AND COMMENT ON IT!!!" Ergo LW did not cause the scene.

[purlewe]

This.

I kost a significant amount of weight after my dad died and my marriage ended within weeks if each other. I tried several side steps to this question. Until one day I blurted out my dad died. Silence. Then the responder said "it can't be that" and asked again. Some people do not get it. They want it to be magic beans

[pauraque]

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's jaw-dropping how people will double down sometimes.

[magid]

That person is an inconsiderate git.

[meepettemu]

Heh.

I had a conversation that went like this once:

Them: oh my god you’ve lost so much weight. You look great. How did you do it?

Me: bulimia*

Them:…


*it’s true. I was bulimic and that’s how I lost the weight. I was 20 at the time and had less filter.

[magid]

I mean, it gets the point across, and if you’re fine saying it, then I think it’s on them however it lands.

[meepettemu]

Oh 100%. If people think it’s ok to ask then they have to be prepared for the answer

These days if someone close to me has lost weight my ask is “I notice you’ve lost weight recently. I wanted to check out if you’re ok”. I never tell someone they look good unless they’ve indicated it’s good (much like I’m well-known for asking “is that a positive thing?” When someone tells me they’re pregnant- rather than assume it is!

[petrea_mitchell]

Seconded.

[kshandra]

I was so looking forward to telling nosy people "Thanks! It's the cancer!" but never really had the opportunity.

[meepettemu]

Damn it. Bloody cancer steals the joy out of everything.

I hope that means that things are better for you now.

[redbird]

Some people are still hoping to be told "it's Dr. Zizmor's patented Cabbage Soup Diet."

[lilysea]

Arrrrgh!

The times it is acceptable to comment on another adult's body are along the lines of:

they are on fire;

they have a tick or leech or mosquito attached to them;

they are bleeding or otherwise need first aid;

you are worried they are going to faint;

you are their doctor/nurse/midwife;

you are their romantic partner or very close friend and think they might need to see a doctor;

you are their boss and they are not wearing the appropriate workplace safety equipment.

Weight loss/weight gain in someone who is not a romantic partner and is not a very close friend is not on the list!