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Last letter, and it's a doozy
Dear Eric: I grew up in a silent household. I was a shamed, rejected kid and learned not to speak. One sister was the beautiful favorite. My brother and I were shamed, and we feared our father.
Our divorced mom apparently stole and kept some of my childhood journals. She put them in her desk. When we cleared out mom's home after she died, the beautiful, cherished sister took the desk. I have been told that my journals have been great entertainment for my sister, her kids and for my now-deceased dad's widow.
I can't even remember what I wrote. I know I did not learn to be comfortable speaking to people until someone in college pointed out that I never spoke. I started copying others who had better social skills. I learned social skills that way.
I want the journals back, but is it too late? I feel ashamed to even ask. I am embarrassed that I am the family joke. I know when I ask it will cause my sister to laugh out loud. Also, I loved my deceased mom, and I am angry that she stole my journals. It kind of ruined my love for the only person who showed love for me. She set me up to be the family joke.
I'm thinking about asking for my journals back, but I feel so ashamed. Should I? It's too late now, right?
– Embarrassed Adult Child
Dear Adult Child: It is not too late to ask for them back. They are yours – your journals, your feelings, your experiences. No one should have taken them, and no one should be reading them without your permission. I’m sorry that you experienced this breach of trust by multiple members of your family. It isn’t right.
As soon as you feel able, you should ask for your journals back from your sister. You don’t need to debate it or give an explanation about why you want them. Your mother didn’t give them to your sister so when your sister discovered them, she should have sent them back right away.
It’s up to you whether you want to re-read them at all, but if you choose to do so, you may want to mentally prepare yourself and try to extend kindness and love to the version of yourself who wrote them. Try not to view what you recorded in them through the lens of shame. Don’t think about what your sister may have thought or said when she read them. What she thinks about your journal entries does not matter.
Indeed, if there is any shame here, she should feel it. If she did read and share your private entries, it shows a profound lack of character. When an adult mocks the thoughts and emotions of a child in this way, it shows that the adult is missing something or feeling a deficiency in some way. It’s not a reflection of you. You have nothing of which to be ashamed.
Link
Our divorced mom apparently stole and kept some of my childhood journals. She put them in her desk. When we cleared out mom's home after she died, the beautiful, cherished sister took the desk. I have been told that my journals have been great entertainment for my sister, her kids and for my now-deceased dad's widow.
I can't even remember what I wrote. I know I did not learn to be comfortable speaking to people until someone in college pointed out that I never spoke. I started copying others who had better social skills. I learned social skills that way.
I want the journals back, but is it too late? I feel ashamed to even ask. I am embarrassed that I am the family joke. I know when I ask it will cause my sister to laugh out loud. Also, I loved my deceased mom, and I am angry that she stole my journals. It kind of ruined my love for the only person who showed love for me. She set me up to be the family joke.
I'm thinking about asking for my journals back, but I feel so ashamed. Should I? It's too late now, right?
– Embarrassed Adult Child
Dear Adult Child: It is not too late to ask for them back. They are yours – your journals, your feelings, your experiences. No one should have taken them, and no one should be reading them without your permission. I’m sorry that you experienced this breach of trust by multiple members of your family. It isn’t right.
As soon as you feel able, you should ask for your journals back from your sister. You don’t need to debate it or give an explanation about why you want them. Your mother didn’t give them to your sister so when your sister discovered them, she should have sent them back right away.
It’s up to you whether you want to re-read them at all, but if you choose to do so, you may want to mentally prepare yourself and try to extend kindness and love to the version of yourself who wrote them. Try not to view what you recorded in them through the lens of shame. Don’t think about what your sister may have thought or said when she read them. What she thinks about your journal entries does not matter.
Indeed, if there is any shame here, she should feel it. If she did read and share your private entries, it shows a profound lack of character. When an adult mocks the thoughts and emotions of a child in this way, it shows that the adult is missing something or feeling a deficiency in some way. It’s not a reflection of you. You have nothing of which to be ashamed.
Link
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Moving past that - "I have been told" - told by whom, LW, and why do you trust this information? (And if Sister is really doing this, she also needs so much therapy. This is not normal behavior for an adult. Honestly, it's pathetic.)
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And -- It is not too late, no. If it were *me*, I wouldn't verbally ask her, I'd write her a letter and/or email asking for them back. That way there's no chance of a) misunderstanding, and b) pre-talk anxiety.
But either way, yeah, the "I have been told" -- by whom? Why? How?
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