Gifts are obligatory

[ysobel]

[I am getting major deja vu with this, but can't find it on reddit or other advice columns or here...]

Dear Amy: Gift-giving is my “love language,” and I really go above and beyond to give gifts to friends and family members for their special days. I’m thoughtful in that way, and I genuinely enjoy doing this for others.

However, I recently celebrated my birthday. I got phone calls and texts from the people I’m closest to, and one person sent me a card, but I didn’t receive any gifts at all. I’m really upset and have decided to stop giving to all of these people. Maybe I shouldn’t make this decision when I’m so upset, so I’m checking my decision with you. Do you think I’m doing the right thing?

— Cheerful Giver

Cheerful: If giving and receiving gifts is your “love language,” then you might feel better about this situation by reconsidering your definition of “gifts.” Your friends and family members remembered your birthday and got in touch with you.

Is a phone call or an affectionately worded text message on your birthday the equivalent of receiving a scented candle? Is a carefully chosen birthday card a real gift? I’m suggesting that if you opened your eyes to these expressions, you might see these relationships themselves as gifts that keep on giving. Because this imbalance upsets you, you should scale back on your material gifting and become more fluent in another love language: words of affirmation.

Comments

[movingfinger]

That might have shown up in one of the Carolyn Hax "chat" sessions within the past month or two, it does sound familiar.

This LW has tangled ideas and emotions around gifts and giving them and obligations and reciprocity and affection, and I agree that they should stop expending extraordinary effort for gifts that are not being read as the giver intends. The LW seems to think that they are owed a certain kind of attention as a response to their gifts, and those are not gifts but entries in an emotional balance sheet of transactions that only the LW keeps. Maybe this is rooted in anxiety or insecurity, but the LW needs to get a grip on themselves before they stew into resentment with all their friends and family who do not speak their secret code.

[green_grrl]

If it’s transactional then it’s not a gift and it’s not really your “love language.” (And what, exactly, are your friends’ love languages? If they are telling you they love you in their way, then you are loved.)

[conuly]

Or, you know, maybe those friends *don't* love LW and only even wished her a happy birthday out of a sense of obligation because, you know, she's the weirdo excessive gift giver and you gotta say something.

Could go both ways! Probably it's your way, but I'm in a cranky mood today so maybe it's mine and nobody likes her and everybody hates her and she should go eat worms.

[minoanmiss]

I do recall a letter like this being discussed here -- I think I facetiously suggested LW join holiday_wishes.

[torachan]

This sounds less like the LW really enjoys giving gifts in and of itself, and more that she does it because she secretly wants gifts herself.

[tielan]

Yes, this is my feeling from the letter, too.

I have a friend who gives gifts; she spots something that matches a person in her head, and just goes and gets it and then hands it to them at their next meeting. She doesn't care if you don't have something for her birthday or for Christmas. She just wants to give you a gift because she thought of you. That's a love-language!

[p_cocincinus]

I'm very much this way, and my love language ISN'T gifts, it's acts of service. For me, it's more about the act of bringing the thing to the person who should have it rather than the thing itself.

[conuly]

Oh, yeah, definitely. If you like giving gifts simply because you like giving gifts then you're not going to flounce and refuse to give any gifts to anybody else again ever just because other people didn't know you had this expectation that they'd reciprocate on your birthday.

(And lots of people - like, lots and lots and lots of people - think that the average adult birthday for an adult isn't a big occasion where gifts are given, even if they'd get a gift for this person on Christmas. I kinda feel like if you want a regular birthday gift then you need to actually tell people this. Which can be hard to do given that asking for gifts is a no-no, but that's the situation.)

[cereta]

Yyyyeah, they lost me at "I'm thoughtful that way."

[katiedid717]

Are you thinking about this letter?

[castiron]

That's the one I remember. Slightly different situation and attitude, but similar question of "what do I do if I *want* to receive gifts?"

[ysobel]

No, that one was open about wanting gifts; the thing pinging my familiarity was "my love language is GIVING gifts" followed by pouting about not GETTING gifts.

[full_metal_ox]

Your choice of icon is curiously apropos; “I bring MOUSE! and SPARROW! and SQUIRREL! WHY NO TREAT!”

[melannen]

LW, if giving gifts really makes you happy, you don't have to decide not to give gifts just because you don't get any in return! You probably should re-examine your decision later when you aren't as upset. Would it make you happy to give these people gifts even if you never got one from them again? Then keep doing it.

There's several things going on here:

1 - Being sad that you didn't get any gifts on your birthday when you expected some. That can make you sad, whether you are a giver of gifts or not! That's something it's fair to express to your nearest and dearest. It's ok to tell people you miss getting gifts, and see how they respond to that.

2 - Feeling like you're owed a gift because you gave one. You're never owed a gift because you gave one, and if that's a part of why you're giving gifts, you really do need to re-examine that. Maybe you do need to give fewer gifts! Maybe you need to think about giving as a joy in itself!

3 - Awkwardness around feeling like you're using a different set of social rules than your friends and you don't know where that makes you stand. Being part of a culture where gift-giving is a signal of closeness, and feeling like giving gifts and not receiving is making overtures of friendship that aren't being returned, is a different problem than feeling like you're owed presents. This is another situation where the first step is to talk to people about it! Not necessarily by dumping your feelings of rejection on them, but open a conversation about what gift-giving means to them and how they decide who to give gifts to. It's possible some of them have also been feeling awkward about using a different gifting paradigm than you! It'll let you clear the air about what gift-giving and receiving means to each of you and hopefully help you send better signals about your friendships with each other.

[castiron]

I like both giving and receiving gifts, and I'm married to someone who dislikes both, so I can sympathize with the disappointment in not receiving gifts.

But LW, if you're this upset because people acknowledged your birthday but didn't give you gifts, then you need to either recalibrate your expectations or change your actions. It's totally okay to decide that these folks aren't that interested in gifts, and to instead show them love with a birthday card or call. Or you can decide that you give gifts out of love with no expectation of reciprocation in kind. (I did overall stop giving Spouse gifts, but I stopped because he doesn't like receiving them, not to demonstrate my annoyance at not receiving them.)

[p_cocincinus]

I think the challenge here is that LW is saying that gift-giving is her love language, when the actual love language is JUST gifts. Full stop. People with the love language of Gifts love BOTH giving and receiving gifts, and it follows that LW WOULD be hurt if nobody gave her a gift for her birthday.

What LW needs to do is to be more honest with her friends and family - TELL THEM that your love language is gifts. Ask what their love language is. Because genuine love is meeting your friends where they are, and sharing what's important, and being able to get what you need and give what they need.