agonyaunt | Dear Abby: Keeping retirement a secret

DEAR ABBY: I recently retired, but I haven't told anyone. I receive widow's benefits, so I'm comfortable financially. I like my privacy, and I'm afraid things will change if I tell people about my retirement. My father is dying of cancer.

My best friend says if I were her sister, she'd be mad at me. My sister lives a mile away and I don't want her dropping in on me. If she knew, she'd include me in everything she does. I feel this is my life and I want to enjoy it alone for the most part. Am I wrong? Am I hurting anyone?

I was widowed 20 years ago and have had no serious relationships since. I'm independent, attractive and have joined a few dating sites, but I'm picky and have not met a man who attracts me. I'm 66, in good health and look younger. Am I being selfish? Do you have any advice for me? -- LONER LADY OUT WEST

DEAR LONER LADY: If your sister has shouldered the responsibility of caring for your dying father by herself, thinking you are too busy working to help, then she would have every reason to be very angry. Even if that's not the case, her feelings will be hurt when she finds out -- and she will -- that you're avoiding her.

If she didn't love you, she wouldn't want to include you in her life. All you need to do is say no to her invitation if the activity isn't your cup of tea. And surely, you can find a tactful way to ask any drop-in visitor to make plans with you ahead of time instead of dropping in.

You say you want to enjoy your life alone for the most part, but you have joined dating sites. In this life, people have to give in order to get. It may be the attitude you're projecting that's keeping you from meeting men on those dating sites. And yes, I think you are selfish.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Let's get this part out of the way first: if she is using the fact that the family thinks she is still working to avoid, either actively or passively, doing her fair share of physical and emotional labor with her father, then yes, she is being selfish. I could muster speculative evidence in either direction of that question, so let's just set it aside for the moment.

It is not selfish to want to be alone if that is your preference. The LW is being deceitful, and from a purely practical perspective, that is likely to come back to bite her. She does not come across in the letter as someone who has trouble making her preferences known (although, of course, people can be different in person than in writing). It may sting both the sister and her, but she'd be far better off just telling her sister, "It's not personal; I am not avoiding you in particular. I just prefer my own company right now. Perhaps we can have a monthly lunch, and if I find myself wanting more interaction, I will be sure to tell you." If sister continues to be a pest, well, there's pretty much no modern communication method that doesn't tell you who is contacting you and give you the option of ignoring it. I know, easier said than done, but I just don't see this ending well at all.

Pretty much this.

Especially since I can't . . . really see any way for the deception not to come out. So you have awkward unhappy confrontation with your sister NOW, without lying, or you have awkward unhappy confrontation later after your sister feels betrayed and lied to.

And potentially after your sister has been working an unfair and uneven level of the load of the whole father-dying-of-cancer thing (because what it's fair for you to contribute if you're working and what it's fair for you to contribute if you're retired are in fact two different things, so it doesn't really matter which the sister is either) for some period of time, at which point she has every right to be FURIOUS.

So like. There is no win for maintaining the deception.

Eh, I dunno. I'm currently deceiving-by-omission my widowed mother similarly -- I've quit my job, and I'm not telling her, because she's retired, and she'll either be here all the time, or have LOUDLY hurt feelings every time I say no, please don't come over. I'm dealing with depression right now; I'm happy delaying my mum getting ticked off at me until later, when I'll be in a better position to cope.

ObDisclaimer: Obviously assuming she is shouldering her share of dying-dad emotional and physical labor. If not, she deserves to be punched in the face.

Yeah and I mean reciprocally I was assuming we're talking non-depressed/etc as I tend to if it's not brought up and/or there aren't any other cues.

All of this, with the caveat that if she IS doing her share with her father, and she knows her sister's reaction to being rebuffed might be the sort of reaction that makes it harder or impossible for them to work together on their father's care, I can understand her wanting to defer that confrontation until after their father dies.

I'm looking for the past of the letter where the LW mentions "having trouble" meeting people on dating sites or being confused about why meeting someone is taking some time, because then Abby's response would....make sense...a little. Is Abby responding to an entirely different letter?

I'm wondering if the letter was trimmed and Abby is replying to the whole letter...

Me too. If so, that was not well edited.

Me too. Particularly since the letter as published doesn't state that the sister is the one looking after their father.

Yes, this. She mentions that the men are not attracting her, not the reverse.

The topic jumps are kind of strange too. I see three issues here. The dying father. The retirement a secret/doesn't want her sister dropping by constantly/can't find a date.

None of which have anything to do with each other. Yeah, I'm agreeing that the letter is badly edited.

Dear Abby: Keeping retirement a secret

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