Ermingarden (
ermingarden) wrote in
agonyaunt2021-12-17 01:57 pm
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Dear Prudence: My Brother-in-Law Is Secretly Sleeping With a Married Couple for Cash
Dear Prudence,
My brother-in-law disclosed to me that he had multiple sexual encounters with a married couple in exchange for money. He and my sister are struggling financially, and when he first mentioned that he was propositioned, I urged him to decline the offer because no good would come of it. That was about a year ago; then recently he said he gave in (at least twice, I guess) because they needed the cash. However, he has not told my sister. I am upset that he thought it OK to engage in an affair like this and upset that he disclosed this to me and expects me to keep it from my sister. They have two young children, and I know if I said anything to my sister, their family would implode. Keeping it from her also feels bad because if she were ever to find out that I knew, it would destroy my relationship with her.
—No Good Options
Dear No Good Options,
Why would he tell you this? Maybe on some level he wants you to tell your sister. Perhaps she can tell him to stop? Or she can know how hard he’s working to support the family? I really have no idea. But you don’t owe him anything, and you don’t have to keep this secret. Tell your sister, and she can decide whether or not her family implodes over it. This is a much better scenario than risking your relationship with her by hiding what you know.
My brother-in-law disclosed to me that he had multiple sexual encounters with a married couple in exchange for money. He and my sister are struggling financially, and when he first mentioned that he was propositioned, I urged him to decline the offer because no good would come of it. That was about a year ago; then recently he said he gave in (at least twice, I guess) because they needed the cash. However, he has not told my sister. I am upset that he thought it OK to engage in an affair like this and upset that he disclosed this to me and expects me to keep it from my sister. They have two young children, and I know if I said anything to my sister, their family would implode. Keeping it from her also feels bad because if she were ever to find out that I knew, it would destroy my relationship with her.
—No Good Options
Dear No Good Options,
Why would he tell you this? Maybe on some level he wants you to tell your sister. Perhaps she can tell him to stop? Or she can know how hard he’s working to support the family? I really have no idea. But you don’t owe him anything, and you don’t have to keep this secret. Tell your sister, and she can decide whether or not her family implodes over it. This is a much better scenario than risking your relationship with her by hiding what you know.
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I do think that on some level BIL wants to have sex with this couple independent of the monetary concerns, and must know Sister wouldn't go along with it; otherwise, if it really were just about the money, why wouldn't he bring it up with her so they could discuss other options?
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I know there are more exciting plotbunnies being considered below, but the ones that leap to my mind are more old-fashioned.
"Please don't tell M I had to do this terrible thing just to pay rent and buy baby food for our poor children. If she knew, it would ruin Christmas." Then M's sister [or mom or best friend] either comes through with some kind of day-saving Christmas present.
*
Re: *
Either M's sister comes through with something like "Merry Christmas, dear sister, here's a large check. Tell your husband to stop worrying so much about money, and remind the children their godmother loves them even though I can't visit again just now."
OR she tells M her husband is a scoundrel/liar/criminal, and she turns up Christmas morning to whisk her sister and niblings away.
Could the husband have been hoping for the first scenario? Given the timing? Maybe. The total fantasy scenario ("Here's a house, and health insurance, and a hypoallergenic pony!" is not going to happen.) But a few hundred dollars to fix the car can be life-changing for a lot of families.
See? Word Girl applies!
Prostitution.
Now, I cannot say for certain that he doesn't want to have/enjoy sex with this couple independent of monetary concerns, but I have to ask: if this were a single mother who engaged in one act of prostitution to avoid having the power cut off, would we maybe have different vibes about this? Would we (and by we, I mean "LW, Prudie, and us" not be less inclined to call this an "affair" and more inclined to believe that she really had done it out of desperation? That perhaps (as Prudie asserts) she told LW as a way of ensuring that she would never have to do it again, if only because a friend/spouse/inlaw forbade it?
And maybe none of that would be true for her! Maybe having sex with Some Person is quite enjoyable, and the (still much-needed) money is just a side-benefit. So it follows that maybe none of that is true for BiL! But I'm really uncomfortable with this being constructed, up to and including LW using the word, as a "affair." I get that BiL specifically telling LW is...weird, although in this case, I think it would make a real difference if LW were a brother or a sister.
And I do agree that LW should tell their sister, because the sister has a right to know, but what and how they tell her worries me. There is obviously no neutral way to phrase it, but, "This married couple propositioned your husband to have sex with them for money, and he did so twice, including Time When You Were Really Desperate" is very different from "Your husband is having an affair with this married couple, who are giving him money."
Re: See? Word Girl applies!
Re: See? Word Girl applies!
Re: See? Word Girl applies!
I'm just really ooged out by how the LW and to a lesser extent Prudie are constructing this as a...recreational? sexual relationship whose only ethical issue is sex outside marriage, without mentioning even the possibility that this couple is exploiting the BiL's dire financial straits (which include supporting two young children) to persuade him to do something he didn't want to do. I mean, maybe he's enthusiastically participating, but if, as you say, he's being honest about things at all, including number of transactions and timing of at least one, it does vibe more like his reasons are financial, specifically pretty dire financial straits. Perhaps I am engaging in the very stereotyping I am decrying, but I would have expected him to have done it more than twice if it was because he wanted/enjoyed it. I know, I know: guilt, conflicted feelings about fidelity, sex, and sexuality, used the money as an excuse. I'm Catholic; I know the narrative. And maybe it's just some recently serious examination of my own views of prostitution (long story short: I'm a lot less convinced that it can be benign under the "right" circumstances), but, well, it bugs me.
Re: See? Word Girl applies!
But I agree with you that the couple's behavior is potentially really, really skeevy, especially depending on how much they know about BIL's financial situation – and especially because it sounds like BIL may have turned them down the first time they asked. And it might have been good for Prudie to push back a little on the "affair" framing.
Re: See? Word Girl applies!
Re: See? Word Girl applies!
⬆️ All of this
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makes delighted squeaky noises
I am about to write Neal engaging in a ritual gangbang. OTOH, he's really looking forward to it. Am contemplating how long to spend describing every crease in Peter's forehead.
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LW should be left out of it either way.
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If I were LW (but with my values), I would tell him "I don't have a problem with the prostitution, but my sister deserves to know. Tell her or I will, you have one week."
And then I'd grieve the loss of any good parts of my relationship with them, because whatever happens that relationship is gonna change, even though it's not my fault.
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