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My mom and her brother have been estranged for a year. Their attempts at reconciliation have failed. She calls me frequently to vent about this and to ask for my advice about getting him to apologize. My mother insists that my uncle is entirely at fault, but I suspect otherwise. She sends me transcripts of their conversations with sections conspicuously missing, and her behavior has blown up close relationships before. I try to stay out of it to avoid her anger, but I know this estrangement upsets her deeply. I doubt they will ever reconcile if she refuses to acknowledge any blame and insists that my uncle apologize. Is there a productive way to suggest that she examine her role in this conflict? The venting sessions are becoming hard to take.
ADULT CHILD
My mother also had a hard time acknowledging when she was wrong. In her case, I think, she fortified a fragile self-esteem with steely insistence that she was always right — and other people were wrong. It held her back. So, I sympathize with your mother: She seems not to understand that mistakes don’t make us bad people; they make us human! I feel for you, too, trying to steer a warrior toward peace, and for your uncle, who may be exhausted by his sister.
Now, your mother is a different person from mine. She may be open to a gentle suggestion that conflicts are rarely resolved with one person’s total victory. This never worked on my mother, though, and the fact that yours is selectively relating portions of conversations that favor her doesn’t make me terribly optimistic about yours. But you can certainly try it.
Here’s some bigger advice, though. Now that my mother is gone, I wish I had spent less time trying to change her (which was never going to happen) and more time appreciating her good qualities: her boundless love and fierce loyalty. You may need to take breaks from your mother occasionally when she wears you out. But that probably beats making her worst quality the centerpiece of your relationship. Because we can’t change people; we can change only how we respond to them.
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ADULT CHILD
My mother also had a hard time acknowledging when she was wrong. In her case, I think, she fortified a fragile self-esteem with steely insistence that she was always right — and other people were wrong. It held her back. So, I sympathize with your mother: She seems not to understand that mistakes don’t make us bad people; they make us human! I feel for you, too, trying to steer a warrior toward peace, and for your uncle, who may be exhausted by his sister.
Now, your mother is a different person from mine. She may be open to a gentle suggestion that conflicts are rarely resolved with one person’s total victory. This never worked on my mother, though, and the fact that yours is selectively relating portions of conversations that favor her doesn’t make me terribly optimistic about yours. But you can certainly try it.
Here’s some bigger advice, though. Now that my mother is gone, I wish I had spent less time trying to change her (which was never going to happen) and more time appreciating her good qualities: her boundless love and fierce loyalty. You may need to take breaks from your mother occasionally when she wears you out. But that probably beats making her worst quality the centerpiece of your relationship. Because we can’t change people; we can change only how we respond to them.
Link
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LW cannot resolve their own issues with Mom until they understand what they are. LW's problem here is not that Mom is in conflict with Uncle, LW's problem is that Mom insists on using them as a therapist and mediator. Until LW realizes that this is the problem, LW will make no traction in improving the situation.
LW cannot be Mom's therapist, and LW cannot be her mediator. What LW can do, instead, is refuse to play along. They can tell their mother "I will not talk about your fight with Uncle anymore" and, if Mom tries to rope them into it, immediately hang up the phone and refuse to answer for the next 24 hours. (I wouldn't do anything about the texts at this time other than ignoring them entirely.)
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The columnist didn't give LW advice, they frothed out personal anecdata and platitudes. I could posit that the NYT editors are, hm, sensitive about children calling time on their parents' nonsense, these days.
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