Ask Amy: New mom needs respite and empathy

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My husband and I have a seven-month-old baby.

My husband has never been a sympathetic person. I have always accepted this about him. However, now with the baby I find myself needing more emotional support than he can give me.

The long nights with a nursing and poorly sleeping baby have left me feeling exhausted and needing some reassurance and comfort from my husband.

Whenever I broach the subject, he tells me that he works so I can be home (I work too, but fewer hours and from home), and that he doesn't feel bad for me because he has a long commute and that I need to get a grip (although he doesn’t use those exact words).

How can I either talk to him, or find another outlet to get the support I can’t get from him?

— New Mama

Dear New Mama: You need immediate and caring support, and other moms are often very good at offering it. Do everything possible to get together with other parents (safely) in person or online (via Facebook parenting groups, or Reddit). Other parents can observe you and your baby and give both of you lots of positive attention and love.

You also need some respite, someone who can be with your baby while you take a nap, take a walk, or get a haircut. These small things are the essence of “self-care” when you have a baby at home. Obviously, the pandemic has complicated the process of bringing another individual into your household. If there is a way to safely do so for even three hours a week, you should.

Normally, I would suggest that your husband watch your baby, solo, for several hours during a weekend day (because the best way to understand what a full-time mom goes through is to experience a bit of it, yourself), but given his extreme limitations, this might not be the wisest course.

I assume that he might be modeling attitudes and behavior he experienced in his own household growing up, and one way to talk to him about your needs might be to ask him about his own parents’ attitudes about work and family.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2441047?fs

Comments

[conuly]

Better advice: Start saving up for a divorce attorney.

[dorinda]

*ring ring* Hello, Whole Man Disposal Service?

[heavenscalyx]

YAAASSSS

[frenzy]

I audibly lol'd! Exactly this sentiment. Why is Amy even entertaining the idea of staying with this person!? There's clearly no upside!!

[minoanmiss]

I want to email her so many hugs.

As for heer husband...

[rmc28]

Presumably he has some redeeming features or she wouldn't have married him, but my goodness I am feeling the "men is too headache" hard right now.

[shirou]

LW, you don’t really want this guy modeling fatherhood for your kid, do you? Better to be single than have this jerk around, not lifting a finger or showing an ounce of kindness. DTMFA!

[dorinda]

I was thinking about this a lot as well. I mean, she says "I have always accepted this about him," but eventually won't the child be forced to deal with it too, without having the choice? A father who is not sympathetic and who responds to a perfectly normal need for love and care with nothing but denigration and get-a-gripness? Sounds like a recipe for a lot of pain for the poor kid.

[mommy]

Divorce is a wonderful word. LW's needs include something her husband refuses to provide, so it's time to move on.

[green_grrl]

This one is so heartbreaking. I can’t imagine the overwhelming sleep deprivation, exhaustion, etc., with this cold stone passing by saying, “Your problem.” Nightmarish.