Asking Eric: My husband’s clutter makes me question marrying him

[petrea_mitchell]

(Letter #2 here)

[Mods, could you please add an "asking eric" tag?]

Dear Eric, I married for a second time 21 years ago after an unpleasant divorce. My spouse “James” is a good guy. People really like him, but I am quietly having a hard time liking him at all these days.

Over the years, he developed a bad habit of stockpiling anything and everything all over the house and yard. I didn't say much at first, but the past few years his cluttering has gotten much worse. James refuses to discuss my feelings or look for a compromise. He gets visibly upset when I talk about the mess as if the stuff is more important to him than I am.

I am simmering with resentment just below the surface. Can this be resolved short of me admitting I made a bad choice a second time?

— Stalemate

Stalemate: Resolution is absolutely possible, but it’s going to require both of you to be a little more vulnerable. It’s very likely that James feels self-consciousness or even shame about the stockpiling. Shame has the tendency to shut down conversational pathways, making every little comment about The Big Thing.

Similarly, if every errant piece of clutter is immediately prompting you to wonder if your entire 21-year marriage was a mistake, it's hard to have a non-charged conversation. Despite your efforts, your resentment may not be as below the surface as you think.

There are some questions you should ask yourself and some you should discuss as a unit. You write that you're having a hard time liking him lately. Is it about the clutter or does the clutter represent something bigger about his personality that you don't like? Do you want to like him?

As a unit, can you both agree that there is something in your relationship that isn't working the way you want it to? What's important is finding a mutual understanding about the state of things without placing blame or getting caught in details. From there, you can ask each other, “do we want things to be different?”
That’s a great place to begin work with a couple’s therapist. If that isn’t an option for you, you can also establish more productive ways of talking to each other, like using “I” statements, avoiding “you always,” allowing conversational time outs, and assuming the best of each other as you work to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

Communication and reflection are all well and good, but I feel like any answer that doesn't somehow incorporate the words "hoarding disorder" is incomplete.

[cimorene]

Yes exactly. That disorder is a thing and there are therapists and support forums and other resources. Why would you not point her to the resources???

[melannen]

Yeah, clutter is one thing, but LW, clutter is not "stockpiling anything and everything all over the house and yard". You need to find someone who can provide support for people dealing with hoarding disorder, and figure out what is needed from there.

[mrissa]

Seriously this. "I don't like it when you leave the laundry in the living room and your coffee cups around the house" is a conversation about clutter. "You have stockpiled 50-gallon drums of mayonnaise and I have trouble getting to the washing machine because of it" is a conversation about something else completely, and it does not use the same methods, and you cannot expect the same results.

[nineveh_uk]

+1 LW hasn't reached the point of worrying if her marriage is a mistake - after 21 years - over being too uptight over a bit of human clutter. She's a desperate spouse who is very probably dealing with what's become a hoarding disorder. She needs to look at professional help to understand the problem and get her husband to engage with expert support, and if he can't then she needs to seriously consider leaving the marriage now while the house is still in saleable condition.

As a unit, can you both agree that there is something in your relationship that isn't working the way you want it to?
This is such a staggeringly naive way to respond to the question.

[angelofthenorth]

Maybe she needs to ask whether the Stuff is more important than her. It might be enlightening

[carbonel]

This is one of the most useless, wishy-washy answers I've ever seen.

[castiron]

If I ever divorce Spouse, it will be because of his clutter. My clutter's bad, and I knew going in that his was even worse; if it weren't for the kids I wouldn't be living with him.

Thing is, Spouse knows he has a clutter problem, and we're able to talk about it. Spouse will throw things away and put unused stuff in the charity dropoff box and such. If I ask Spouse whether I can throw something out, generally he'll say yes; if he says no, he generally has a reason beyond "this might come in handy someday". His cluttering owes far more to decision fatigue and distraction than to anxiety. So for us, the columnist's advice might make sense.

LW's not in that situation. The clutter problem sounds like it's a newer development; LW's husband isn't willing to discuss the issue and has an emotional attachment to the clutter. It's a bigger issue than LW can handle on her own; she needs to talk to a therapist.