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Inlaws, inlaws, inlaws!
Aug. 3rd, 2023 01:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
conuly1. Dear Amy: I recently graduated with my master’s. My mother and mother-in-law flew separately to my graduation from the other side of the country. I am grateful they both came, but while my MIL was here she made repeated comments that I felt put down my degree.
She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.
I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?
– Recent Grad
( Read more... )
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2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.
However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.
I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.
– Hurting
( Read more... )
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3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.
It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.
She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.
A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.
I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?
– Lonely Purse
( Read more... )
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4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.
Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.
Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy
( Read more... )
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5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.
I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance
( Read more... )
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6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE
( Read more... )
She said that my graduation ceremony was really for my husband because he supported me through school. While he did work full time to support us, I also worked while attending school full time. She gave him a graduation gift, as well as a shirt that said, "I survived my wife's graduate degree." I was shocked and hurt by this, and she kept encouraging him to wear it on my actual graduation day. I found the shirt offensive because it trivialized my accomplishments into something that was apparently extremely difficult for him.
After the fact, I told my husband how I felt (through tears) but he told me that while he could see my point, it was just a joke. For the remainder of the visit, she continued to ask him to wear the shirt, but he continued to dodge the question and not wear it because he knew it made me upset.
I tried to grin and bear it but I was deeply hurt and felt mocked. She has had a pattern of making little negative comments about my degree and future job. I want to address this, but it's been a few weeks now and I feel weird calling her to tell her how I feel after the fact. I do appreciate all the effort she put in coming to attend, but at the end of the day my feelings were still hurt. How could I call and explain my feelings to her?
– Recent Grad
( Read more... )
2. Dear Amy: My son married “Marian,” who made it clear that he was too close to his mom (me) and that this must stop. She wants no part of us except for when she needs a babysitter. In spite of her attitude toward us, we have been very generous with them because we adore our three grandchildren and have a great relationship with them. We’ve paid for summer camp and all the extracurricular activities for the children, along with the down payment for their house.
However, we are not allowed to buy the grandchildren gifts.
I know I put up with too much disrespect from both of them for many years, just to be able to see the grandchildren. Recently our young granddaughter seemed proud about scores on tests that she took in school. When I asked my son about it he said, ”It’s none of your business.” This was the last straw. My husband has had it and is done with them. I feel the same. But now they won’t let the children have contact with us.
– Hurting
( Read more... )
3. Dear Amy: My daughter-in-law is extremely close to her family and although she tries to show affection for us, it's only out of obligation. A few years ago, I purchased a very expensive handbag (which I couldn't afford) as a Christmas gift for her. On occasions I've been asked to clean their house and while cleaning I’ve seen the handbag in her closet. This past Christmas, I received the same bag from her.
It is obvious about what transpired: While she and my son bought luxurious gifts for her family, she went shopping in her closet for me.
She's a good person but can be manipulative and narcissistic at times. I feel disrespected and unappreciated for everything I do for them (which is a lot). I would like to address her (or the two of them) about this, but I'm not sure how.
A part of me just wants to put the bag back in their closet to see if I receive it a second time, or to give her instructions on how to properly “regift,” which includes putting the name of the person on the article, so you don't regift it back to them.
I cannot use the bag because every time I see it, I am reminded of how little I meant to them. How should I address this?
– Lonely Purse
( Read more... )
4. Dear Annie: I painfully watch our daughter-in-law tease and belittle her pre-teen children, especially the older boy. She is very loving and generous with them, but also strict; she thinks she's being funny. Her isolated, difficult upbringing by a single mom with no parenting skills left her with a tough "I'm fine" armor and the need to appear to be the perfect mom with perfect kids.
Our gentle son counteracts her actions by being very nurturing and supportive of the children, but I've never heard him cue her to tone it down. Even as she looks to me as a role model, she doesn't ask for or take suggestions well, so I've always cringed rather than speak to her, and worked to be a supportive, accepting person in the children's lives.
Do you have suggestions for things I could say or do to help her see how her behavior affects her children? Thank you for your insight. -- Concerned Grammy
( Read more... )
5. DEAR HARRIETTE: I have a sister-in-law I no longer speak to due to the fact that she thought she was entitled to my deceased mother's belongings. My mother died of old age about a year ago and didn't leave a will, so my brother, sister and I had to divide her belongings. My siblings and I didn't have issues with this task, but my sister-in-law caused problems.
I wanted the dining room table because we grew up eating our meals around it, and I had many fond memories. However, my sister-in-law wanted it because she was remodeling their kitchen and thought it would look good in their house. My brother was indifferent about the table and didn't care whether he got it. We started arguing about it and eventually came to the decision that I would get the table. For the remainder of the division of my mother's things, she wouldn't look at me or talk to me. It's been this way for over a year. Is there any way we can resolve this when she won't speak to me? -- Inheritance
( Read more... )
6. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is a terrible housekeeper. I watch my grandchildren three days a week and am expected to drop them off at her house after I pick up the oldest (age 5) from school. It is troubling for me to see how dirty the house is, so I end up secretly cleaning. What’s the best way to address this with her? I could offer to help her with the housework a few hours a week. -- TIDY IN TENNESSEE
( Read more... )