Social Q's: One Day, It May Be a Yes

[katiedid717]

I am a social person. But increasingly, I have little time to socialize. I have two young children and a demanding job. Still, some friends text me frequently, even though I reply concisely and keep refusing their kind invitations. Should I be firmer — maybe start ignoring texts?
BUSY MOM

I once had a boss who, like you, was a busy working mother. She taught me a valuable lesson for managing social interactions on text and email: Do not become hostage to your phone or feel compelled to respond to every message as it arrives. Once or twice a day, spend 15 or 20 minutes responding to all of them — and don’t worry about them again until the next time. It beats telling friends to stop texting.

EDIT: LW provided more info in the comments

I am Busy Mom, LW #4. I just want to clarify something.

In my email to Philip, I used the word "acquaintances," not "friend." The texts I am referring to are from former coworkers, parents of my kids' old friends who now attend different schools, etc. - people I really don't know very well.

I know I should count my blessings, and I do appreciate that people are reaching out, but I truly feel overwhelmed by the number of texts I get from these acquaintances. There are a few former co-workers who text me all the time just to chat and "stay in touch," and I truly do not have as much time for them as they have for me. I'm genuinely wondering if it's better to "ghost" them and stop replying, or to say I don't have the capacity right now.

I'm not sure if other young(ish) parents can relate, but parenting right now feels like a constant barrage of communications - medical appointment reminders, school and after-school emails, parent chat groups, parent-teacher meeting updates, mom WhatsApp groups, neighborhood Signal chats, school log-in systems with updates from teachers, I am completely and utterly overwhelmed with information overload. I get so much textual messaging across so many different platforms, it honestly stresses me out, and I can't keep track of everything.

Comments

[katiedid717]

I've been on both sides of this equation: the friend who is too busy to get together, and the friend who wants to make sure someone busy doesn't feel excluded. If this LW doesn't want to receive invitations, maybe she should just say so rather than expect friends to read her mind.

I had a friend who worked 13 on, 1 off during her peak season and usually was way too tired to get together on her limited days off; I knew she was busy but would still send "I'm having people over for the pool this Sunday, absolutely no pressure for you to attend but I wanted to let you know that you're welcome if you feel up to it that day" - she usually declined, but there were a few times that I'd get a text day-of saying "Does that invitation for the pool still stand?"

When I worked a job with evening meetings multiple nights a week, I appreciated that friends still invited me to happy hour or dinner, and I was hurt when the invitations stopped.

Edit in light of the LW's comment:

The switch from "acquaintances" to "friends" makes a HUGE difference here.

[ysobel]

If I were a friend of LW's, a text saying "hey I'm overwhelmed by the demands of parenting right now, even getting invitations to things is too much, can you hold off for a bit until [kid] is older" would be useful. Ghosting me would have me wondering wtf I did wrong.

But then, I a) have zero friendship fade, so talking to a friend after 5 months / years / decades* is exactly like 5 minutes, and b) I have Anxiety Gremlins of Insecurity.

(* except for the thing where I wasn't alive 50 years ago, quite...)

But acquaintances that she's not close to, she can absolutely say "hey I'm overwhelmed please stop inviting me", and even if they get annoyed, it doesn't sound like she wants the relationship.

[aflaminghalo]

Ten years from now: all my friends dumped me when I had children.

that "should I be firmer" is wild. like maybe talk to your friends like they're your friends first, not people who want to cause you harm.

[katiedid717]

That's absolutely going to be this LW's future. God forbid her friends want to make her feel welcome and included

[melannen]

?? I don't even understand the problem here. They're too busy to socialize much, their friends are still reaching out to keep a connection up even they know LW doesn't have time to reciprocate well and can't accept most invitations, and the issue here is ... what?

[katiedid717]

Right?! I get being a busy working mom or not being able to accept invitations - I'm a single mom to a 13-month-old and I'm taking college classes while working full-time - but I really appreciate the friends who've been willing to meet me where I am for the past year and have made efforts to stay in touch when I was being less-than-responsive. If LW doesn't want to be invited to things, she should say so...but she also shouldn't be surprised if she finds that her friends are no longer reaching out in what feels like a one-sided friendship

[redbird]

If someone is feeling overloaded with texts and has almost no free time, setting aside 15 minutes once or twice a day for texting is a significant fraction of her available time.

She might prefer to schedule conversations with a few people, even once or twice a month, something that isn't about the various events she would like to attend but doesn't have time for.

[teaotter]

I'd really like to know what "frequently" means in this case. Weekly? Daily? Ten times a day? Because my answers would really differ.

[katiedid717]

The LW left a comment on the article that I included above (right after your comment was received, naturally) - apparently the letter was revised to say "friends" when the LW had said "acquaintances," which completely changes my thoughts on the matter! Honestly, I would just slow fade or do an "I appreciate you wanting to get together but it's just not possible for me during this stage of life" kind of thing