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Dear Eric: When my family's children were young, they mostly traveled the 200 miles to visit for holidays. Now the children are older, and have jobs, friends et cetera. The parents now seem to expect us to do the traveling. We are in our late 70s, and this is getting harder to do.
The change in beds, food, schedules and houses put a toll on our physical body that takes days to recover. This seems hard for them to understand as they haven’t reached this stage.
We now are faced with missing holidays with them to comply with their demands. I have faced the possibility of loneliness that older people seemingly endure nowadays. Is there an answer to this problem or must I endure pain and trauma to see family in older age?
– Sad, Lonely and In Pain
Dear Sad: As I suspect you already know, you’re not alone in facing this issue. Many families experience a disconnect between generations around travel and making special times, especially as families spread farther apart geographically. Often, everyone is trying their best but finding that there are simply too many competing and seemingly conflicting needs.
However, there are solutions. Talk to your younger family members about what you’re experiencing and what you need. Try to do it in advance so that the conversation can be heard as a request to plan, rather than a demand for course correction. “Travel is getting harder for us, and it takes a toll on us that we didn’t feel when we were younger. We really want to see you and be included. Can we work together to find a solution that works for everyone?”
Acknowledging that you understand where another person is coming from goes a long way. Hopefully, your family members will also come to understand where you’re coming from, as well. Sometimes family can feel like a closed-off room that you’re either inside of or outside of. But a family is a system that is constantly in flux. So, it’s less a room, than it is an open courtyard. It sometimes takes some prodding or conversation to remind family members of that. We are constantly making and remaking our families and our gatherings. Children grow up, adults age, people come in and exit for various reasons. Our desire to see each other can remain the same but the means of doing so have to be flexible.
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The change in beds, food, schedules and houses put a toll on our physical body that takes days to recover. This seems hard for them to understand as they haven’t reached this stage.
We now are faced with missing holidays with them to comply with their demands. I have faced the possibility of loneliness that older people seemingly endure nowadays. Is there an answer to this problem or must I endure pain and trauma to see family in older age?
– Sad, Lonely and In Pain
Dear Sad: As I suspect you already know, you’re not alone in facing this issue. Many families experience a disconnect between generations around travel and making special times, especially as families spread farther apart geographically. Often, everyone is trying their best but finding that there are simply too many competing and seemingly conflicting needs.
However, there are solutions. Talk to your younger family members about what you’re experiencing and what you need. Try to do it in advance so that the conversation can be heard as a request to plan, rather than a demand for course correction. “Travel is getting harder for us, and it takes a toll on us that we didn’t feel when we were younger. We really want to see you and be included. Can we work together to find a solution that works for everyone?”
Acknowledging that you understand where another person is coming from goes a long way. Hopefully, your family members will also come to understand where you’re coming from, as well. Sometimes family can feel like a closed-off room that you’re either inside of or outside of. But a family is a system that is constantly in flux. So, it’s less a room, than it is an open courtyard. It sometimes takes some prodding or conversation to remind family members of that. We are constantly making and remaking our families and our gatherings. Children grow up, adults age, people come in and exit for various reasons. Our desire to see each other can remain the same but the means of doing so have to be flexible.
Link
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Regardless, my advice to LW would be the same: What would you do if you lived in a different country and didn't have money for a plane ticket? Whatever it is, do that.