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Dear Prudence,
Years ago, I shared inside info with a best friend about my marriage. My husband was taking advantage of me during this time. She (my friend) was a good listener and very empathetic. I hosted a summer holiday which my girlfriend and her husband attended. She lit into him about how she didn’t care for him and confronted his behaviors. I thought she understood the “girlfriend code.” I assumed she knew the things I had shared with her were in confidence, meaning between ME and HER. It was a disaster, and we weren’t as close afterwards.
Fast forward 15 years. A different friend, the same inconsiderate oaf of a husband. I shared info with this friend after me and my husband separated. We were apart for about three years. I never thought they would meet each other. Well, me and my Hubby are back together after that three-year separation, and now my Bestie is coming to my town on a business trip and I am horrified for her to meet my husband because her personality is reminiscent of the former friend. She has even said that she’s going to have a hard time containing her fiery attitude. Should I navigate her location and whereabouts away from my husband while she’s here an entire week? I’ve asked her not to expose me for telling her too much, and she couldn’t promise me she could do it. I don’t want to lose another good friend!
— I’m a Chicken
Dear I’m a Chicken,
You mentioned the “same inconsiderate oaf of a husband” so I think you know this: Your friends aren’t your problem. He is. Nowhere in your letter do I read the words “My friends were both massively overreacting about minor things my husband did.” So I don’t know what exactly took place, but I know it was bad. Really bad. And continues to be bad. I don’t believe you have two uniquely fiery friends. I believe this guy has managed to piss off two different women so much that they feel the need to step in and defend you. And you’re afraid of his reaction if they “expose” you, which tells me he hasn’t improved much and your relationship isn’t any better than it was before. The conversation you need to be having with Bestie is not, “Can you please not confront my husband?” It’s “If I decide to leave him again, is your house a safe place for me to live while I figure things out?” Seriously, this relationship sounds abusive. Please trust your friends and take care of yourself.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/12/dear-prudence-complaints-husband.html
Years ago, I shared inside info with a best friend about my marriage. My husband was taking advantage of me during this time. She (my friend) was a good listener and very empathetic. I hosted a summer holiday which my girlfriend and her husband attended. She lit into him about how she didn’t care for him and confronted his behaviors. I thought she understood the “girlfriend code.” I assumed she knew the things I had shared with her were in confidence, meaning between ME and HER. It was a disaster, and we weren’t as close afterwards.
Fast forward 15 years. A different friend, the same inconsiderate oaf of a husband. I shared info with this friend after me and my husband separated. We were apart for about three years. I never thought they would meet each other. Well, me and my Hubby are back together after that three-year separation, and now my Bestie is coming to my town on a business trip and I am horrified for her to meet my husband because her personality is reminiscent of the former friend. She has even said that she’s going to have a hard time containing her fiery attitude. Should I navigate her location and whereabouts away from my husband while she’s here an entire week? I’ve asked her not to expose me for telling her too much, and she couldn’t promise me she could do it. I don’t want to lose another good friend!
— I’m a Chicken
Dear I’m a Chicken,
You mentioned the “same inconsiderate oaf of a husband” so I think you know this: Your friends aren’t your problem. He is. Nowhere in your letter do I read the words “My friends were both massively overreacting about minor things my husband did.” So I don’t know what exactly took place, but I know it was bad. Really bad. And continues to be bad. I don’t believe you have two uniquely fiery friends. I believe this guy has managed to piss off two different women so much that they feel the need to step in and defend you. And you’re afraid of his reaction if they “expose” you, which tells me he hasn’t improved much and your relationship isn’t any better than it was before. The conversation you need to be having with Bestie is not, “Can you please not confront my husband?” It’s “If I decide to leave him again, is your house a safe place for me to live while I figure things out?” Seriously, this relationship sounds abusive. Please trust your friends and take care of yourself.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2022/12/dear-prudence-complaints-husband.html
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I'm with Prudence about who the real problem is here, though.
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... oh, is that a euphemism for "rape"?
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But there are 2 problems here: the big one is that she is back with a husband who treats her badly. The smaller one is that she expects her friends to just automatically know that she is telling them something in confidence, instead of using her words and saying, "this is a secret, please don't tell anyone" before telling them.