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LW does not have an inlaw problem, she has a husband problem
Dear Annie: I have been married for 12 years to a good man whom I love very much, but I dread nearly every holiday, birthday dinner and casual Sunday visit with his family. On the surface, my in-laws are charming, polished and the sort of people everyone else describes as "so nice." But behind that polished exterior is a steady drip of cutting remarks aimed almost entirely at me.
My mother-in-law has a talent for delivering insults with a smile. She will look at a meal I brought and say, "Well, that's certainly ... rustic," or ask whether I am "still doing that little job of yours," even though I work full time and do quite well. My father-in-law joins in with jokes about how their son "used to eat better before marriage" or how I have "modern ideas" whenever I disagree with them about anything from parenting to politics to how often we should visit.
The comments are always subtle enough that if I react, I look oversensitive. But after years of this, I feel like I am being pecked to death by very well-dressed chickens.
What hurts most is that my husband says, "That's just how they are," and urges me to ignore it to keep the peace. But there is no peace for me. I leave these gatherings replaying every jab in my head for days.
How do I tell my in-laws to stop without blowing up the family? And how do I get my husband to understand that "just ignore it" is not a strategy, it is surrender? -- Bruised by Politeness
Dear Bruised: "Just ignore it" is excellent advice for a barking dog, not for people who keep biting. Your husband does not have to pick a fight, but he does need to pick a side, and that side should be his wife.
The next time a barb is wrapped in a smile, answer calmly: "That was hurtful. Please don't speak to me that way." No speech, no fireworks -- just drawing a clear line.
Politeness is lovely. So are boundaries. One without the other is just surrender.
Link
My mother-in-law has a talent for delivering insults with a smile. She will look at a meal I brought and say, "Well, that's certainly ... rustic," or ask whether I am "still doing that little job of yours," even though I work full time and do quite well. My father-in-law joins in with jokes about how their son "used to eat better before marriage" or how I have "modern ideas" whenever I disagree with them about anything from parenting to politics to how often we should visit.
The comments are always subtle enough that if I react, I look oversensitive. But after years of this, I feel like I am being pecked to death by very well-dressed chickens.
What hurts most is that my husband says, "That's just how they are," and urges me to ignore it to keep the peace. But there is no peace for me. I leave these gatherings replaying every jab in my head for days.
How do I tell my in-laws to stop without blowing up the family? And how do I get my husband to understand that "just ignore it" is not a strategy, it is surrender? -- Bruised by Politeness
Dear Bruised: "Just ignore it" is excellent advice for a barking dog, not for people who keep biting. Your husband does not have to pick a fight, but he does need to pick a side, and that side should be his wife.
The next time a barb is wrapped in a smile, answer calmly: "That was hurtful. Please don't speak to me that way." No speech, no fireworks -- just drawing a clear line.
Politeness is lovely. So are boundaries. One without the other is just surrender.
Link
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LW needs to do two things. First, they need to stop spending time with these awful people. You and your husband are not joined at the hip! He can spend time with his family while you spend quality time with yourself!
You dread holidays? Stop going to their house for holidays! Spend them with your own family and friends! You dread birthdays? Well, they don't want you there either - send a gift card and your regrets. You dread casual Sundays? Oh, honey. Sundays are for eating bagels and lox at home. They're not for visiting terrible people who hate you.
Secondly, LW needs to have a serious talk with Husband and insist on couples therapy. If he won't do it, they can go without him - but if that's the case then they need to really consider if they want to stay married to somebody who doesn't value them.
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Boundaries are not rules you set for other people, because you cannot enforce rules you set for other people. Boundaries are rules you set for yourself. "I will not accept being treated like this, therefore, since they will not change I will do us all a favor and stop subjecting myself to their bad behavior".
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The next time a barb is wrapped in a smile, have husband answer calmly: "That was hurtful. Please don't speak to her that way."