(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Amy,

Am I racist?

A couple of teenagers were at my front door, and I shouted to my husband: "Hey, there are some Black kids at the door, and I don't have time to deal with them."

Kids at the door in my neighborhood are usually selling something or are looking for yard work.

My biracial future daughter-in-law was present when I did this and took offense. Apparently, behind my back, she and my stepson discussed how "un-woke" I am.

Anyway, I love these two so much that as soon as I learned she had been offended, I immediately sent a note of apology to her.

I am in my 60s and was raised in the South.

My grandfather referred to all Black people using the N word.

However, I was active in civil rights during my youth.

I was the first white student at my high school who insisted to be put on bathroom cleaning duty just like the students of color had to. (The white students got to work in the office.)

As a reporter for a newspaper in the South, I had a gun pulled on me as I was covering a boycott of white businesses.

But these kids have never bothered to ask.

I meant no harm referring to these teens as "Black kids."

I don't enjoy receiving a lecture on being "woke" from two suburban Midwesterners, one of whom has traveled the world working with the disadvantaged.

I know their hearts are in the right place, but what about giving someone the benefit of a doubt, before inferring they are racist?

( Read more... )

(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a 15-year-old girl and had always been an only child until March of this year, when my parents legally adopted their goddaughter after her parents died in an accident. I love “Abby” and have known her since we were tiny, though she lived far away for a long time. Now she’s living with us and we call each other sisters. She’s obviously been in a terrible place emotionally and struggling with grief, but she’s said a few times that she has found happiness here despite everything and that she loves having a big sister (she’s 13). We’re looking forward to Christmas and my parents and I want to make it especially special for Abby.

The problem is my grandparents. They really believe in “blood ties” being the most important thing and have not been welcoming to Abby. Abby and I have birthdays close together, and they sent an expensive present for me and not even a card for her, despite my parents having told them that they have two daughters now. They barely talk to Abby when we see them and referred to her as a “guest” in our home until my mom had a huge fight with them about it.

My parents seem good at standing up to them about this stuff, but I don’t know how to deal with it myself. When I went to visit my grandparents recently, my gran kept going on about how she and my grandpa were desperate to spoil me because they “just know I’m not getting the attention I need at home anymore.” When I said it was fine (my parents still give me plenty of time and we honestly get on great), my grandpa acted like I was “putting a brave face” on things while my gran kept saying how important it was that I got to come to their place and have my own space again. She then made a comment on something I was wearing, noting that it was a lot like a style Abby wears, and asked if I was trying to dress up like her to get my parents’ attention. I’m not! It was just a cute top! I had no idea what to say and just kept trying to change the subject.

I don’t think I’m handling them right, but I don’t know what to do. They keep giving me “secret” presents now because they think my parents will “kick off again” if they find out because they “don’t care about their own daughter anymore.” I find this all really upsetting and confusing, and I don’t know what to do with the gifts because they really press them on me. Sometimes it’s money. I want to split it with Abby and go shopping but I also don’t want to hurt her more by revealing all this stuff my grandparents are giving me while deliberately excluding her. My mom and dad have a lot going on right now, and I’m worried that by telling them about this, it’ll start a huge fight and possibly make Abby feel even worse—she got upset last time she realized there was a fight with my grandparents over her. What should I do? Is there something I can say to my grandparents that will make them stop doing this?

—Torn Granddaughter

( Read more... )

Pay Dirt: What Do I Do About My Mother?

[minoanmiss]

( Read more... )