Dear Amy: I Need to Discipline my 34-Year-Old Daughter

[movingfinger]

Dear Amy: My daughter said she got the wedding of her dreams.

Family and friends came from far and wide to celebrate her nuptials.

It was lovely in every respect, and both her mother and I were thrilled that things went as she wanted.

However, she was so caught up as the center of attention that she ignored the common tradition of greeting each table and saying a few words to their guests.( Read more... )

(no subject)

[conuly]

Hi, Carolyn: I was a co-maid of honor at my friend’s wedding. The other maid of honor, “Kate,” was moody and rude, mainly to me but generally as well, even more so than usual. I just ignored Kate, as it was my friend’s big day.

A few weeks later, the bride told me Kate's dad was dying of cancer and Kate had tried to call my friend, the bride, leading up to the wedding to talk. My friend said she just didn't have time due to wedding planning, and now doesn't want to be friends with Kate anymore because of the way Kate acted at the wedding.

I was kind of floored. Friendship means being there for a friend who is going through one of the worst times of their lives, even if it's just for a phone call, and that should eclipse last-minute wedding details. I wouldn't act out as Kate did but I do understand why she felt that way. By the end of the day Kate seemed to have a great time.

This has made me question my friendship with the bride. If she is willing to write off her best friend for a bad moment, whom she has known for longer and was closer to, how will I be treated in the future?

— Questioning

( Wow )

Carolyn Hax: Puppy v. Parents

[cereta]

Hello, Carolyn: My kids have been asking for a dog for several years, and we finally got a family puppy. We love this dog more than we ever expected!

Unfortunately, we live about 600 miles from my parents, who want nothing to do with dogs. They do, however, want to spend time with us and often complain that we don't visit enough. They don't want to house our dog, which I understand, but we can't afford a hotel room or a kennel for all the trips they want us to make.

We can't seem to come to an agreement. I say they shouldn't try to guilt us for having a life outside of them. They feel we should have never gotten a dog knowing they live so far away and can't stand dogs. What do you think?

— A Dog Convert

A Dog Convert: I think what’s truly unfortunate is that your parents think your household is about them. Wow.

It’s also unfortunate they somehow have you thinking theirs is a normal set of expectations that, to some degree, you’re obliged to find ways to address.

There is no “agreement” here to “come to,” because your parents don’t have any say in how you run your own household. None. Zero.

They also don’t have any say in how often you travel to see them, except to let you know whether and for how long you are welcome. And to limit guests to human-only, which is totally their prerogative.

If they really do want to see you, and if they’re unwilling or unable to do the bulk of the traveling themselves, then they have incentives available to them that aren’t attempts to micromanage you. They could offer you kennel money, for example, or to pay for a hotel for visits both ways. They could just trust you to do your best to come see them. They could be such pleasant company that you stretch yourselves financially to travel whenever you can.

Apparently, instead, they skipped the first page in the Unwritten Manual of Hospitality, which notes in 72-point type that if you want to see people, then don’t complain about them, to them, with any frequency that can be described as “often.”

Seriously, parents. This is not a Zodiac cipher.

My advice to you is as follows:

1. Stop arguing with people about things that aren’t their business. Any and all people, but start with your parents.

2. Actually that’s it. See No. 1.

But there are a few other things to consider that can make it all easier. First, develop a canine network of care. People you meet through your dog who love dogs can be an excellent resource when you want to travel. You dog-sit theirs, they dog-sit yours, opportunities multiply like bald spots in your backyard.

Second, if this is but the tip of the guiltberg, then please run your family dynamic by a good therapist. Boundaries work.

Third, scritch that puppy. Except for the face they give you when they want a walk, they don’t do guilt. No wonder you’re a convert.

Fourth — and pardon the layman’s overreach — introduce yourself to Merrill Markoe: merrillmarkoe.com/enough-about-you-my-explanation-of-narcissism. “It’s not enough for a narcissist to be the center of his own world, he must also be the center of yours.” Good dog. [Woof.]

Ask Amy: I HAVE THE PERFECT ICON!

[cereta]

(Look, it's been a rough couple of days.)

Dear Amy: I have a dilemma. My daughter, who is 22, confided in me that one of her best friends from high school smokes pot.

My daughter does not hang out with her because they attend different colleges.

I was very close to this girl when she was growing up. She was at my house all the time. Her mom and I are still very good friends.

My daughter says to stay out of it and to not tell her mom.

I was very disappointed to hear this about my daughter's friend. I'm not sure what I should do. What do you think? Should I tell the mother what the daughter is doing?

Worried

Worried: I don’t think you should do anything. Would you report back to this mother if her (legal age) daughter had a cocktail?

Marijuana is quickly attaining legal status; the jury seems to be out on how casual and occasional marijuana use affects people over time.

Unless this young woman has health problems or serious risk factors relating to her marijuana use, you have no cause to report it to her mommy.

Plus — it’s simply none of your business.