agonyaunt | (no subject)

Hi, Carolyn: I was a co-maid of honor at my friend’s wedding. The other maid of honor, “Kate,” was moody and rude, mainly to me but generally as well, even more so than usual. I just ignored Kate, as it was my friend’s big day.

A few weeks later, the bride told me Kate's dad was dying of cancer and Kate had tried to call my friend, the bride, leading up to the wedding to talk. My friend said she just didn't have time due to wedding planning, and now doesn't want to be friends with Kate anymore because of the way Kate acted at the wedding.

I was kind of floored. Friendship means being there for a friend who is going through one of the worst times of their lives, even if it's just for a phone call, and that should eclipse last-minute wedding details. I wouldn't act out as Kate did but I do understand why she felt that way. By the end of the day Kate seemed to have a great time.

This has made me question my friendship with the bride. If she is willing to write off her best friend for a bad moment, whom she has known for longer and was closer to, how will I be treated in the future?

— Questioning

Questioning: That is a great question to ask The Bride (which is how she will be known to us eternally, poor thing).

But before you wade in, step back. This isn't just a how-will-she-treat-me question, though that's valid; it's a character question. As in, does the bride have any, or is she always me-first?

Per your account, whether Kate is a person of character is an equally valid question entwined with this one, so also make sure beforehand that you aren't just seeking validation for a mind already made up.

Kate was grieving, yes. The bride's dismissing her phone call was callous, yes. “Boy howdy,” I would say, if I were folksy or ironic enough to pull it off. Yet Kate was not just the moody and rude of the grieving; you took the trouble to note she was so “even more so than usual.”

The sum of these creates the blank you hope to fill in, so ask the bride accordingly: “I was taken aback when you said you didn’t have time to talk to Kate before the wedding. I mean, her dad is/was dying. Am I missing something?”

It's a question with a judgy heart and a nosy outfit, so don't pretend otherwise. But don't be deterred by that, either: Questioning the friendship means you're already judging, silently. This way at least you give Bride her say.

So to recap your options: 1. Judge the bride silently on incomplete information and cut her adrift; 2. Judge the bride silently on incomplete information and continue the friendship under a kind of unspoken probation; 3. Admit openly that you might be judging, pending the bride's response to some frank what-the-fluff-did-I-just-witness-type questioning.

Friendship also means giving people a chance to explain themselves.

That is, if you care enough still to stay friends. Nos. 1. and 2. are okay, too, if you’re kind of done with the bride for many reasons beyond this. Just as, perhaps, the bride is done with poor Kate.

https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/2021/11/26/carolyn-hax-bride-dumps-best-friend-disposable/

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Wow. Just, wow. I've heard of bridezillas before, but wow.

Also: Other than being "moody", what exactly did Kate even do on the day of the wedding to "act out"?

I can't tell from the letter: was the situation here:

Kate calls right before the wedding and says, "Bride, I need to talk about a personal thing", and Bride says, "Kate there is a ton going on and I'm under a lot of stress, can your personal issues wait," Kate gets offended and says "FINE" and hangs up and acts ruffled all through the wedding, later Bride finds out Kate's father is dying and goes "Oh my god, why didn't you mention that, I'm so sorry," Kate snaps at her about how she was a Bridezilla, Bride reconsiders friendship with person who would rather attempt to ruin a wedding with drama than tell friend what is wrong.

or was it

Kate calls right before the wedding and says, "Bride, I just learned my dad is dying, can we talk?" and Bride says, "Kate there's a ton going on and I'm under a lot of stress, can your dying dad wait," Kate gets offended etc.; Bride gets offended that Kate thinks a dying dad is more important than her wedding and reconsiders friendship.

Or was it

Kate calls right before the wedding and says "Bride, can we talk about my dad?" and Bride says, "Kate we've been having two-hour conversations where you cry on me about your dad every night for months; I'm under a lot of stress right now, can we talk wedding instead for one night?"; Kate gets offended etc.; Bride rethinks the amount of effort they're both putting into the friendship and rethinks the friendship.

The first one is a couple people who are both under a lot of stress screwing up. The second one is Bride being an asshole. The third one is a couple people who are both under a lot of stress screwing up. I can't tell which it is.

Edited 2021-11-30 21:38 (UTC)

That's a fair point. The LW doesn't actually say which one it is - maybe because they don't even know themselves; they might just have heard of Kate's dad passing from Bride without any further context, connected it with her behavior during the wedding, and jumped to conclusions. If LW is a more distant friend like it seems, Bride might have wanted to keep whatever she and Kate did/talked about to herself.

But still, those are a lot of hypotheticals, and I agree with the columnist that the best thing here is to be direct and clear.

Am I a horrible person for reading this and thinking of this scene,

"Look, Ty," He said finally. "I'm just thrilled you smoothed all the bugs out of the Machine [....] But how can I put this? I can't keep my head above water one minute to the next; it's not just the parties and the goo-gooing with what's her name, I've got [various things], plus I've got a wife to murder and a country to frame for it, plus I've got to get the war going once that's all happened, and all this is stuff I've got to do myself. Here's what it all comes down to: I'm just swamped, Ty [....]"

(From The Princess Bride, of course, page 201)

Edited (Fixed dangling close paren and close quote. It'll never compile without it!) 2021-12-01 02:46 (UTC)

To me, the relevant part is: “and now doesn't want to be friends with Kate anymore because of the way Kate acted at the wedding.”

No matter how it went down, once post-wedding and Bride is clearly informed that Kate’s dad was dying, I don’t know how she couldn’t say that Kate had reason to be moody—and even managed to pull it together!

I get Bride being absolutely snowed under with planning ahead of time. I get, as Carolyn says, Kate sounding like she’s kind of a pill usually. But cutting her off because her behavior at the (beginning of the) wedding day sounds off, and worth questioning.

Or it was:

The Bride and Kate have a "we've been best friends since our moms met at baby-n-me water aerobics bffs by default" dynamic. And Kate's behavior at the wedding was the straw that broke the camel's back following a protracted period of growing apart, denying it, and growing annoyed/BEC with Kate's normal levels of prickliness.

Which is very sad but ultimately no one's fault; the Bride gets to decide who she wants to (not) be friends with, even if the particular straw that turned the friendship switch to the off position for her is wrapped up in Kate's own tragedy and grief.

Which is just...two people growing apart and weddings being weddings.

Fun fact: I was in a wedding party for which the rehearsal was the day after I learned my dad was terminal. The wedding was in the two week period between that day and his death. I'm pretty sure another member of the wedding party had also just learned his dad was dying. I'm also pretty sure neither of us told the couple.

I have absolutely no idea if I was well behaved. I intended to be, but, I mean, I was out of my mind with grief. I have no idea if I actually was. I know my housemates ran interference for me at the wedding itself but they couldn't do so during wedding party duties.

This is why people cut others slack when they're in the immediacy of grief. People are not rational or capable of moderating their behavior.

In conclusion, dump The Bride. If she treated Kate this way, she'll treat you badly as well.

Wait, absolutely non of those facts were fun. Oops.

Oh gosh that all sounds terrible. I'm so sorry.

You nailed it. And sorry to hear you had to go through that. Your grief was valid and you handled the situation as well as you possibly could.