Dear Abby:Sons Use Grandchildren as Leverage Against Mom's Gruff Husband

[cereta]

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 22 years. He's a diamond in the rough. My grown children, three boys, have always just tolerated him. They say he talks too much, doesn't listen and still treats the younger two like children. I know he can be overbearing at times.

They have now ganged up and will no longer allow the grandchildren to come stay with me. They say my husband is too harsh in correcting them, which isn't true. The only time he is loud and fast to correct is if the parents aren't here to do it. They have offered no alternative solution.

Two have expressed to my husband how they feel. My husband is trying to acknowledge their feelings and wants to do better. How do we proceed as a family? I'm afraid they will withhold the grands each time they disagree with us. Counseling is out since we live in separate cities. Any words of wisdom for us? -- HURTING HEART IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR HURTING HEART: Look at this from your sons' perspective. When they hear from your grandchildren that your grouchy (but well-meaning) husband yelled at them, as parents, their first instinct is to protect their kids.

I can't guarantee that your sons won't use emotional blackmail in the future, but I can offer two suggestions: Your husband should take a deep breath and count to 10 before he reacts, and he should defer the discipline to Grandma. And if that isn't enough to satisfy your sons, then you will have to visit them instead of having them visit you.

Comments

[cereta]

Everything in your letter screams "downplaying." Your husband is a "diamond in the rough," he gets "loud and fast to correct" when parents aren't around? I suspect that what your children see is a grouch with a quick temper who yells at their kids at the first sign of imperfect behavior. I wouldn't want my kid around him, either. You say they haven't offered alternative solutions; have you? Have you ever in your marriage tried to get your husband to change his behavior? Or do you just expect your children to accept it?

[xenacryst]

This. And it sounds like this ain't new - it's been going on for years. However, it sounds like the husband is open to working this out, but I'm not sure if LW is (at least with the comment "trying to acknowledge their feelings and wants to do better"). So, maybe both LW and her husband need to take a deep breath and try to see things from the kids' and grandkids' perspective. I'd actually say that counseling is still on the table, because it sounds like the two of them need to open up to some different perspectives on their behavior, and that can be done in their town.

[jadelennox]

There's no way three adult brothers all agreed on this course of action together unless something in particular happened, too, and something bad. What was the last time he was "loud and fast to correct"? What happened then, LW?

[rosefox]

I can't guarantee that your sons won't use emotional blackmail in the future

Oh DO fuck off.

[minoanmiss]

Honestly. Not letting one's children be used as verbal punching bags is NOT "emotional blackmail".

[rosefox]

The rest of it isn't bad advice but UGH.

[watersword]

I can imagine the letter from the LW's son so easily:

Dear Abby,

My mom's second husband is a jerk. It's impossible to have a conversation with him, because he just talks and talks and pays no attention to anyone else, and he treats my younger brothers, who are grown men, like children. But my mom loves him, and I've tried to be polite and not rock the boat. The problem is that now I have kids, and he starts yelling at them when they, you know, behave like kids. If they do anything he doesn't like, he flies off the handle. My wife and I don't want our kids to be around people who yell at every little thing, so I've told my mom the kids won't be staying with them anymore when we visit their city, and she's accusing me of emotional blackmail. What do I do?

[tielan]

Yeah, I can very easily see this letter from the sons.

[cereta]

Pretty much, yeah.

[amireal]

Yeeeah. LW's husband sounds like one of those who potentially confuses respect with complete obedience and has no time for children to actually BE children. An important part of learning is MAKING MISTAKES and if someone cannot handle that, then you bet your butt it's the parents right to not allow their children around that person.