Entry tags:
(no subject)
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have never had an easy relationship with my mother-in-law. She is an Orthodox Jew and I come from the Bible Belt. She initially told my future husband that he wasn’t allowed to date me and later, when it became clear he wasn’t going to abide by her dictate, she took me aside and explained that marriage wasn’t possible between us because any future children wouldn’t be considered Jewish as it passes down the maternal line and that within the Orthodox tradition, conversion was viewed with skepticism. For good measure, she added that she couldn’t bear coming to her son’s home and seeing a Christmas tree. When we married, she basically hijacked our wedding plans to ensure it didn’t offend anyone she knew. We had little say in the wedding plans—not even the wedding date.
Fast forward a few years: Things have only improved slightly. I have gone above and beyond to try and ingratiate myself with my in-laws. When our kids were toddlers, I invited them over for Christmas and pulled out all the stops (they routinely spent Christmas at the home of Christian friends). I decorated the house to the hilt, made every dish from scratch for Christmas lunch, and was as gracious as any Southern belle could be. On her way out the door, my mother-in-law declared, “It was all too much, too much. Never again!” I shut the door and burst into tears.
In the intervening years, my in-laws have had a relatively cordial relationship with me and our children. Their preference for their other granddaughter (my sister-in-law married a Jewish man) is clear to both me and my daughters. Despite living just 20 minutes away, we probably only see them four or five times a year. My in-laws seemed much more content taking multiple cruises throughout the year than building a relationship with our kids. I think all parties were more or less fine with that, although I was genuinely sad that our daughters would never have the wonderful, life-enriching relationships I enjoyed with my grandparents.
Then the inevitable happened: My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. She’s now in a nursing home for her post-op rehab, but the expectation is that we visit as often as possible. Beyond that, it’s clear that the future is bleak, especially as my MIL is reluctant to participate in the most basic physical therapy. Already, my husband is expected to take my father-in-law to medical appointments since my mother-in-law can’t accompany him. I’ve asked my husband what our future relationship with his parents will look like, but even he knows he’s the “bad son,” so he is now expected to prove himself. I don’t know how to support him, how to guide our (now early teen) daughters through this, and I’m grappling with my own feelings of resentment toward my MIL and wanting to support my husband, whose own feelings are mixed. Any advice would be welcome.
—Bible Belt Shiksa
( Read more... )
I have never had an easy relationship with my mother-in-law. She is an Orthodox Jew and I come from the Bible Belt. She initially told my future husband that he wasn’t allowed to date me and later, when it became clear he wasn’t going to abide by her dictate, she took me aside and explained that marriage wasn’t possible between us because any future children wouldn’t be considered Jewish as it passes down the maternal line and that within the Orthodox tradition, conversion was viewed with skepticism. For good measure, she added that she couldn’t bear coming to her son’s home and seeing a Christmas tree. When we married, she basically hijacked our wedding plans to ensure it didn’t offend anyone she knew. We had little say in the wedding plans—not even the wedding date.
Fast forward a few years: Things have only improved slightly. I have gone above and beyond to try and ingratiate myself with my in-laws. When our kids were toddlers, I invited them over for Christmas and pulled out all the stops (they routinely spent Christmas at the home of Christian friends). I decorated the house to the hilt, made every dish from scratch for Christmas lunch, and was as gracious as any Southern belle could be. On her way out the door, my mother-in-law declared, “It was all too much, too much. Never again!” I shut the door and burst into tears.
In the intervening years, my in-laws have had a relatively cordial relationship with me and our children. Their preference for their other granddaughter (my sister-in-law married a Jewish man) is clear to both me and my daughters. Despite living just 20 minutes away, we probably only see them four or five times a year. My in-laws seemed much more content taking multiple cruises throughout the year than building a relationship with our kids. I think all parties were more or less fine with that, although I was genuinely sad that our daughters would never have the wonderful, life-enriching relationships I enjoyed with my grandparents.
Then the inevitable happened: My mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. She’s now in a nursing home for her post-op rehab, but the expectation is that we visit as often as possible. Beyond that, it’s clear that the future is bleak, especially as my MIL is reluctant to participate in the most basic physical therapy. Already, my husband is expected to take my father-in-law to medical appointments since my mother-in-law can’t accompany him. I’ve asked my husband what our future relationship with his parents will look like, but even he knows he’s the “bad son,” so he is now expected to prove himself. I don’t know how to support him, how to guide our (now early teen) daughters through this, and I’m grappling with my own feelings of resentment toward my MIL and wanting to support my husband, whose own feelings are mixed. Any advice would be welcome.
—Bible Belt Shiksa
( Read more... )
WTF did I just read?
Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.
They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
( Read more... )
They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous
( Read more... )
Entry tags:
I didn't mean to find two letters on the same theme, but I guess I did and now here we are
1. Dear Care and Feeding,
My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I’ll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I’m very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it’s barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn’t socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.
Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn’t want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure that my son’s life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She’s an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don’t understand why she won’t make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I’d pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there’s a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do or how to help! She won’t answer my calls now, and it’s been over a week and a half since I’ve facetimed with my grandsons.
—I Just Want to Help
( Read more... )
***
2. ( Cut for LW being awful, at a commenter's request )
My son passed away in a car accident eight months ago, leaving my daughter-in-law, who I’ll call Nancy, with my grandchildren, who are 3-year-old twins. They lived in a big city, and they always flew home for Christmas, even before they were married. I’m very worried about Nancy and my grandchildren. Nancy works a very busy job and seems overwhelmed. She refused to fly here for Christmas this year, even though it’s barely a 3-hour flight and she visited her family for her Jewish holidays in another state, and she only reluctantly offered for me to stay with them when I insisted I wanted to see my grandchildren for the holidays. When I arrived, the house was a mess, and she seemed frazzled and couldn’t socialize very much. The kids seemed miserable and were throwing tantrums, and she seemed too tired to adequately take care of them for the week I was there.
Things have been frosty ever since she refused to let my grandsons be baptized, so I didn’t want to criticize her and make things worse, but the situation seems untenable at this point. I gently suggested getting a housecleaner, and she said that she couldn’t afford it, even though I’m sure that my son’s life insurance must have left her with a hefty sum. I also suggested it might be good for her to get a less busy job that pays more. She’s an attorney for a non-profit, and it would be more lucrative and less stressful for her to get a more traditional lawyer job. She got angry when I suggested it, and I don’t understand why she won’t make these kinds of changes to make her life easier. I also suggested that she could move in with me, and I’d pay all the relocation expenses. I have lots of space, since your buck goes further in the Midwest, and there’s a church down the street that has free daycare for the boys. I could even watch them on my time off. She told me bluntly that she thought I should get a hotel, and I acquiesced since she seemed so upset. I just don’t understand what I’m supposed to do or how to help! She won’t answer my calls now, and it’s been over a week and a half since I’ve facetimed with my grandsons.
—I Just Want to Help
( Read more... )
2. ( Cut for LW being awful, at a commenter's request )
Entry tags:
(no subject)
Dear Carolyn: Is being truthful always the way forward? For the first 10 years of our committed relationship, my wife’s family disowned her and us because we are two women. We became parents through kin adoption, and the in-laws slowly forged a relationship with us and our kids. Our kids have deep, meaningful relationships with their grandparents.
We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.
In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.
With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.
— To Tell or Not to Tell
( Read more... )
We sent out a save-the-date for our 30th anniversary. We’ve never celebrated our marriage, and we want to do it with friends and family near and far. My in-laws informed us they have never believed in our marriage, because marriage is only between a man and a woman. They will not be coming. They told our kids (older teens, young adults) they won’t be coming because they have a long-planned trip across the globe.
In-laws have warned us that we will destroy the family if we tell the kids the real reason the in-laws aren’t coming. They aren’t wrong. Our kids would be devastated to know.
With the adoption and messy extended family, we have built a family based on truth and transparency. My kids would also be devastated if they knew we lied to them. Kids are pressuring us to change the date so grandparents can come. I really have no idea what I’m supposed to say or not say.
— To Tell or Not to Tell
( Read more... )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
minoanmiss2022-11-15 01:10 amEntry tags:
Dear Prudence: I Got Accused of “Stealing” Clothes I Don’t Need at the Thrift Store.
Content advisory: fatphobia, requests for justification for bigotry. ( Read more... )
minoanmiss2022-08-01 12:19 pmEntry tags:
How to Do It: Two on Sex & Size
Content advisory: fatphobia. ( Read more... )
minoanmiss2022-05-04 12:44 pmEntry tags:
Ask a Manager: I Don't Want To Move To Texas
Content advisory: recent sociopolitical news, not-so-recent lawmaking, reproductive rights and trans people legally imperiled.
( Read more... )
( Read more... )