(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My wife and I got married right after college and quickly welcomed our first child.

I knew that having kids would take all of my wife’s attention, therefore, I did not want any more children.

But shortly after the first child came baby number two.

At that point I got a vasectomy.

Twenty years later, I have built a very successful career, while my wife chose to take jobs that would allow her more time with the kids.

She has taken the lead with the kid’s activities, housework, cooking, etc., which I never asked her to do.

She has held various low-paying, “do good”-type positions in the community.

She has a lot of skills and did not have to compromise her career for the children.

There are a lot of successful women doing it all.

My wife has nothing to show for working year after year.

I am very resentful of her career choices and have expressed this many times.

I think she is lazy and used the kids and house as an excuse.

Our kids are both in college now, and I am paying for all of it.

My wife now has decided to pursue a second degree so she can increase her skills.

I told her that I would help her start a small business if she abandoned going back to school.

She declined.

I do not feel obligated to pay for her education, which I could easily do. She is taking out student loans, but she will never be able to catch up to my salary.

Am I being unreasonable for not helping, and for feeling so resentful toward her?

– Resentful Husband

( Wow, I hate this man so much )

Two letters on a theme, not much to say here

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I’m responding to the letter from “Totally Confused Mom,” who has two adult daughters who won’t speak to her, claiming that they had terrible childhoods, and that one had suffered “trauma.”

You totally sided with these faux-victims. There is an epidemic of young people who, facing any challenge or adversity, claim they were “traumatized,” and blame the parents.

I can’t believe you fell for this.

– Outraged

Dear Outraged: If parents don’t expose and prepare younger children for struggle, setbacks, and failure, then as young adults they might perceive challenges as trauma.

On the other hand, any parent who believes they’ve provided their children with an ideal childhood needs to dig a little deeper.


HomeTribune Premium ContentAdviceAsk Amy: Advice for the real worldAsk Amy: Doctor suspects child has autism
Ask Amy: Doctor suspects child has autism
Ask Amy: Advice for the real world December 9, 2021Child with autism. (Dreamstime)

Dear Amy: I am a physician and live far away from my family.

My niece has a 3-year-old daughter.

Between distance and COVID, I have seen my grandniece only rarely.

About six months ago, while I was visiting, my family united at my sister’s house. Our cousin is a speech pathologist and is familiar with signs of autism.

She recognized specific signs in my grandniece, but she refused to share that with my niece because of a lack of intimacy between them.

My family debated whether we should bring this up with my niece, and ultimately her mother (my sister, “Annie”), told her about our concerns.

It did not go well: it was viewed as an invasion of privacy and as ill-intentioned negativity.

Since then, we understand the child is in speech therapy (with a very young therapist who we fear may not have enough experience to recognize the broader issues).

Otherwise, we are not aware that there is any effort being made to address the issue, and both parents contribute to the denial and wall of privacy.

In family gatherings, when my grandniece doesn’t engage, it is brushed off as “She likes to be in her own world” or “she wasn’t interested in what you were doing.”

Since I am a physician (but not with relevant experience), I struggle with whether I should discuss this with my niece and her husband, and if so, how to approach them.

We are all concerned that the window of opportunity to intervene in a meaningful way in the child’s development may be closing.

– Concerned Uncle

Dear Concerned: Your family’s concern – and your sister’s choice to convey it to her daughter – has not backfired. The parents may have reacted poorly and defensively, but the child is seeing a speech therapist and that is a positive first step.

However, you family members should not put these parents in a defensive crouch by judging their child’s behavior and diagnosing her during brief holiday visits.

As a physician and the child’s great-uncle, you are in an ideal position to continue to express interest in this young girl’s development.

You can do this through gentle and supportive questions posed to the parents. You start by noting positive aspects: “Look at how well she’s growing. Six months makes such a big difference!”

Then you can consider taking it further: “My sister said she’s seeing a speech therapist. What’s that like? How do you think it’s going?” You might then add, “Have you ever run this past cousin Rachel? You know that she is a speech pathologist. She might be helpful if you have questions.”

You can also say, “We doctors don’t always communicate so well; is your pediatrician good at answering your questions?”

If you present yourself as a supportive, interested and objective family member, these parents might lighten up and utilize you as a sounding board and resource.

Dear Amy: My husband has been involved with a former college classmate (female) who he reconnected with at a reunion a couple of years ago.

They are in touch every weekend, sometimes texting back and forth for hours.

When I have expressed alarm about this, he offers to show me their text exchanges, but I don’t want to start a fight.

Then he accuses me of not trusting him.

Can you help me find a way out?

– Upset

Dear Upset: Spontaneously take your husband up on his offer to view his text exchanges.

Also, because you don’t seem to trust him, his accusation is correct.

You should be brave enough to risk discovering whatever answers emerge from discussing this with your husband.

Dear Amy: Responding to the letter from “Totally Confused Mom,” whose adult daughters have turned on her, people today in their 20s and 30s all seem to have mental stress, trauma, anxiety, other issues with fancy names – and, of course, the source of their problems is always their parents!

Well blame has to be assigned somewhere and who better than the people who gave them all they could and would do anything for them?

How about we look at the other possible source for all the problems: too much screen time, less human interaction, almost no physical work except the fancy expensive gyms, more time to invent various problems and then, of course, blame parents.

Parents are not wrong all the time.

How about we sometimes ask the young people in their 20s and 30s to grow up and act like adults, and stop blaming others?

Now I dare you to blame the parents!

– Very Frustrated

Dear Frustrated: Who raised all of these tender softies?

https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ask-amy-homemakers-devotion-is-waste-of-a-good-career/

https://tribunecontentagency.com/article/ask-amy-doctor-suspects-child-has-autism/

Original letter: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/advice/ask-amy-daughters-say-their-childhood-was-traumatic-their-mother-is-devastated/2021/11/19/6719a2b8-471c-11ec-b8d9-232f4afe4d9b_story.html

Care & Feeding: Should I Tell My Girlfriend’s Kids The Truth About Their Father?

[minoanmiss]

I can’t stand seeing them get hurt again. ( Read more... )

The Ethicist: Colleague Prescribing Ivermectin

[ermingarden]

A very close, decades-long friend who has been a professional colleague — we are both family-practice doctors, though we currently work in different states — is spreading misinformation when it comes to Covid-19. She thinks vaccines have toxic ingredients and are unnecessary. She also thinks that the case and death rates of Covid are overblown. Recently, she emailed that she has been prescribing ivermectin and hydroxychloroquine for use against Covid.

As bad as I think her misinformation is, I feel that she has crossed the line in prescribing drugs that multiple studies have shown are not effective for the prevention or treatment of Covid-19. Professional standards state that I must report her to the state board of medicine, just as I must report a colleague who was abusing drugs or alcohol. On the advice of a former medical-school classmate who is a bioethicist, I wrote to my friend stating that she could lose her board certification and her state medical license.

As might be expected, she is not vaccinated and has no plans for her or her family to be vaccinated. Obviously, I will not change her mind. As bad as I think her advice is for herself and her family, though, it is wrong and harmful when it comes to patients in her care. So what do I do? –Name Withheld

There are over a million active physicians in the United States — more than the entire population of Austin, Texas. Even if a vast majority respect the practice guidelines set by their medical boards, there will be those whose training proves no match for the misinformation that incubates online, and their absolute numbers will not be insignificant. Sometimes ideological identities can undercut professional ones. When doctors reasonably believe that a member of their profession is endangering patients, they should pass what they know on to the medical authorities in the states where they work. Alas, you have good grounds for such concern. That she’s your friend made it appropriate to tell her first that you thought she was exposing herself to risk for violating the strictures of her profession. At this point, though, your obligations as a medical professional are the overriding ones. The sort of misinformation she’s both purveying and putting into practice is among the reasons that this pandemic’s costs in sickness and death have been so great.