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Dear Prudence: A DNA test upended my identity
Source.
Dear Prudence,
I am the president of a local community organization founded originally by immigrants of a certain ethnic group (think: the Something-American Society). I have been involved with the organization for many years and it is a central component of my social life. We host a number of events annually that draw people from all backgrounds and bring a lot of joy to the community. While there is not an explicit rule that members of the board of directors are from this ethnic background, currently everyone (myself included) is fully or partially of that descent. Or so I thought.
My elderly father, curious to learn more about our ancestry, recently purchased a popular DNA testing kit. I didn’t think that anything would come as a surprise since for my entire life my family has passed down recipes and heirlooms from the aforementioned ethnic group, so I was shocked to receive a phone call from him that we are actually from a different background entirely. Complicating matters, these two groups have a longstanding history of animosity toward each other, with members of their U.S. diaspora having wildly different experiences in regard to treatment and discrimination. Not only has my identity been shaken, as this element of it was very personally significant to me, but I am torn as to how to approach it in regard to the position I hold in this local organization.
Nothing about me or my ability to lead and participate in the group has changed, but I worry that not disclosing this discovery is dishonest. If I do disclose, however, I worry that my standing in the group could be, at worst, compromised, or, at best, confusing to others who may be interested in convening with those who share a similar background. I have not shared this with anyone yet other than my husband, because while there are individuals in this organization I have known for years and do trust, our town is relatively small and gossip is inevitable. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose these findings? I want to handle this with integrity, but this group means a lot to me, and the thought of my relationship to it changing because of this is painful. How should I proceed?
—Problematic President
Dear President,
What a shock! I think you should choose one or two especially trusted members of this organization—ideally who also hold leadership roles—and disclose your discovery to them in private. This is a delicate matter, and not something that will be well-served to be litigated out in a public arena immediately. It’s definitely the ethical choice to disclose, but I also think that keeping this under wraps will be personally torturous for you (and will impede your own journey toward processing the news). Your sense of self has been shattered—it’s not the time to keep secrets.
Talk with these trusted colleagues and take their guidance on how to approach your role with the organization moving forward (or communicating the discovery to a wider audience). Then I would recommend that you find a therapist—ideally someone with experience with patients working through their racial and ethnic identity—to figure out how to reassemble your sense of self. This is a life-changing paradigm shift, and even if you’re no longer to serve in this organization in the exact same professional capacity, I have faith that the personal relationships you’ve cultivated with your colleagues can still be a source of support as you embark down this unfamiliar road. It’s a chance for them to walk the walk about supporting people from all backgrounds and the wider world; maybe you’re no longer part of the “tribe,” but you are still a part of the community.
I would also encourage you to spend some time researching your family tree on your own, if it’s possible. This DNA test has raised major questions about your lineage, but it can’t tell you the whole story, and I think more information will help you rebuild a new sense of identity. It seems odd that your family would pass down recipes or heirlooms with absolutely no direct association with the ethnic group in question; perhaps there are cultural similarities or even more nuanced ties between both groups that can give you a clearer understanding of what it means to be who you are.
Dear Prudence,
I am the president of a local community organization founded originally by immigrants of a certain ethnic group (think: the Something-American Society). I have been involved with the organization for many years and it is a central component of my social life. We host a number of events annually that draw people from all backgrounds and bring a lot of joy to the community. While there is not an explicit rule that members of the board of directors are from this ethnic background, currently everyone (myself included) is fully or partially of that descent. Or so I thought.
My elderly father, curious to learn more about our ancestry, recently purchased a popular DNA testing kit. I didn’t think that anything would come as a surprise since for my entire life my family has passed down recipes and heirlooms from the aforementioned ethnic group, so I was shocked to receive a phone call from him that we are actually from a different background entirely. Complicating matters, these two groups have a longstanding history of animosity toward each other, with members of their U.S. diaspora having wildly different experiences in regard to treatment and discrimination. Not only has my identity been shaken, as this element of it was very personally significant to me, but I am torn as to how to approach it in regard to the position I hold in this local organization.
Nothing about me or my ability to lead and participate in the group has changed, but I worry that not disclosing this discovery is dishonest. If I do disclose, however, I worry that my standing in the group could be, at worst, compromised, or, at best, confusing to others who may be interested in convening with those who share a similar background. I have not shared this with anyone yet other than my husband, because while there are individuals in this organization I have known for years and do trust, our town is relatively small and gossip is inevitable. Do I have an ethical obligation to disclose these findings? I want to handle this with integrity, but this group means a lot to me, and the thought of my relationship to it changing because of this is painful. How should I proceed?
—Problematic President
Dear President,
What a shock! I think you should choose one or two especially trusted members of this organization—ideally who also hold leadership roles—and disclose your discovery to them in private. This is a delicate matter, and not something that will be well-served to be litigated out in a public arena immediately. It’s definitely the ethical choice to disclose, but I also think that keeping this under wraps will be personally torturous for you (and will impede your own journey toward processing the news). Your sense of self has been shattered—it’s not the time to keep secrets.
Talk with these trusted colleagues and take their guidance on how to approach your role with the organization moving forward (or communicating the discovery to a wider audience). Then I would recommend that you find a therapist—ideally someone with experience with patients working through their racial and ethnic identity—to figure out how to reassemble your sense of self. This is a life-changing paradigm shift, and even if you’re no longer to serve in this organization in the exact same professional capacity, I have faith that the personal relationships you’ve cultivated with your colleagues can still be a source of support as you embark down this unfamiliar road. It’s a chance for them to walk the walk about supporting people from all backgrounds and the wider world; maybe you’re no longer part of the “tribe,” but you are still a part of the community.
I would also encourage you to spend some time researching your family tree on your own, if it’s possible. This DNA test has raised major questions about your lineage, but it can’t tell you the whole story, and I think more information will help you rebuild a new sense of identity. It seems odd that your family would pass down recipes or heirlooms with absolutely no direct association with the ethnic group in question; perhaps there are cultural similarities or even more nuanced ties between both groups that can give you a clearer understanding of what it means to be who you are.
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And if it’s two groups that occupied a similar/neighboring geographic area, there is often a lot more cross-pollination than expected.
I would continue as if the DNA test hadn’t happened.
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2. If your family has passed down heirlooms, recipes, stories, traditions, etc - all the things that are part of having that heritage - then they are that ethnicity, the end. Do you think people never immigrated, had mixed marriages, or assimilated in the past?
3. However if your (ethnicity)-American group has been participating in or encouraging the animosity toward (ethnicity-2)-Americans, maybe this is a good opportunity to work on that and reach out.
It sounds like this has really shaken you up; you don't need to keep it a terrible secret, and do confide in friends who will support you! But you don't have to disclose as a matter of ethics and if you ever decided you need to disclose it to the group you should disclose it in the sense of "isn't it weird how little those DNA tests mean compared to actual heritage" rather than "this is my deep dark secret". (The only time it would be a 'deep dark secret' is if your org is really into genetic descent as the sole form of legitimacy - in which case, quit the group anyway.)
Also, there's a reasonable chance if you do another one from another company you'll get a different answer; if you think that would help you be more settled, do it.
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two groups with a longstanding history of animosity shared space, aargh. Israeli v. Arab? Azerbaijani v. Armenian? Indian v. Pakistani? The point is, you almost certainly don't have a longstanding history of animosity without having an ancestral home with messy borders. Any DNA test that tells you ethnicity as clearcut is lying, but any DNA test that claims to be able to distinguish cleanly between two groups from one geographic area is practically bragging about lying.
Like, I am from one of the most inbred, endogamous groups out there, allllll the way back. And even so, when my mother did one of the only good, scientifically sensible retail DNA tests, the result was basically "huh, you share 70% of your DNA with people from here and 30% with people from here". We're so inbred that we're all as closely related as fifth cousins from a normal group's gene pool, and we still share genes with the populations of everywhere we've ever lived. People like to fuck the neighbors.
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Right?? My mom came from a family that was ethnically German, but had immigrated to France and assimilated to French culture. They'd lived in France all their lives, spoke French, had French first names, etc. Then they moved to the US. So, were they French-American? German-American? Both? We don't live in a world where people stayed put in their homelands for untold generations, and only immigrated or assimilated one time.
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I want to mail all the responses here to LW.
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If this is a tribal thing, the ramifications are more complicated.
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yes this! ethnicity is not genetics! you have generations of recipes and heirlooms from an ethnicity, so that's what you are. If grandma's serbian village decided to just quietly become bosnian after the breakup of yugoslavia, then you're a bosniak now. If your egyptian great grandfather was actually a mizrahi jew who ran away with a hot girl from cairo, you're an arab now. Those would be interesting stories, and worth exploring if they intrigue you, but they don't change who you are. There's no blood quantum on culture.
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DNA ethnicity results are reasonably reliable at the continental level. At country level, not so much. And if two groups have been in conflict for centuries, they've probably lived near each other for centuries, which means there's been interbreeding (some consensual, some not). If the ancestors from that area came to the US several generations ago and Dad also has a lot of ancestry from other lines, it's entirely possible that Dad's ancestor is genuinely from Group A but Dad only inherited the DNA that the ancestor had from their great-grandfather in Group B.
If the paper trail says you're X ethnicity and the DNA says the parent-child connections in the paper trail are good, go with what the paper trail says for your ethnicity.
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This is like the inverse of "I want to claim Native heritage even though I didn't grow up with any connection to the tribe" situations, but with similar reasoning: part of an ethnicity is culture.
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