(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I volunteer at my local humane society every weekend, and over the past several months, I've developed a real connection with one of the cats there. Her name is Marbles, and she's been at the shelter for more than a year now. She's had a rough past, and she can be a bit aggressive at times, especially around strangers or loud noises, but there's a deep sadness in her eyes that breaks my heart. Despite her tough exterior, she's really opened up to me, and I can tell she trusts me.

I really want to adopt her, but my boyfriend is completely against having pets. He says they're too much responsibility and mess and that it would make our apartment feel chaotic. We've talked about it several times, and he hasn't budged. I understand where he's coming from, but I can't stop thinking about Marbles and how much she needs a stable home and someone who truly understands her. It feels like I'm abandoning her every time I leave. I'm torn between respecting my relationship and doing what I feel is right for this cat who's already been through so much. Is there a way to make this work without causing serious tension at home? -- Love That Stray

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So many toxic families, so little time

[conuly]

1. Dear Annie: I'm stuck in the middle of some serious family tension. My cousin constantly makes little digs about my sister-in-law and my brother behind their backs. For example, she'll say things like, "Wow, your sister-in-law really knows how to spend money, doesn't she?" -- with a smirk, like she's trying to be funny, but it's clearly meant to cut. Then she'll press me for details about their lives -- what they're doing, what they've said, how they spend their time.

I never know how to respond. I don't want to betray my brother's trust, but I also don't want to create drama with my cousin. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope, and someone's going to get hurt no matter what I do.

How do I stay out of the middle without turning this into a bigger mess? -- Torn and Tired

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2. Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law and I have never had a good relationship, but we tolerate each other because of my son.

I have tried to be a good mother-in-law. I never visit unannounced. When my DIL had surgery for breast cancer, I took her to her appointments, and I was even the one to go with her when she rang the bell at the end of her treatment.

Approximately a year ago, we attended a party. I rode to the affair with my youngest son. When it was time to leave, my other son said, "Come on, let's go!" When I went to get in the car, my DIL said there was no room. There would have been three people in the backseat. I told my son, "Your wife said there's no room!" My son told me to get in the car anyway, so I did. On the way home, no one said a word, and it was obvious that my DIL was angry.

Since that time, we have seen each other at family functions, and we are cordial but distant. I feel that my DIL was disrespectful of my feelings by not wanting to give me a ride that night. I think she owes me an apology. I feel bad for my son. I have expressed my feelings to him, to which he said he understood.

In my opinion, my DIL is selfish, and over the years, she hasn't done anything for anyone unless there is a benefit for her. Should I ask her for an apology or just continue being cordial but superficial? -- Kind but Still Hurt

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3. DEAR ABBY: Ever since I was a child, my mom has regarded me as wise, thoughtful and intelligent. She has confided about family issues, tensions at church and cheating at her workplace. Abby, I don't want to be her confidant. Am I doomed to always hear her never-ending problems? She creates them herself by jumping to conclusions and suspecting everyone has ill intentions. While I understand this is to protect herself, it's exhausting to listen to and to advise when I know nothing will change.

The worst part is that I can't confide in her. She doesn't understand my perspective. I don't think she even tries. Our relationship is one-sided. Sometimes I feel like I'm HER mom. She talks to no one else like this and refuses to go to therapy. I'm a senior in high school and plan to go to college. I don't want to leave her like this. How can I help her? -- CAPTIVE CONFIDANT IN IOWA

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4. DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter, "Allie," (whom I've raised as my own since she was 2), has banned my 39-year-old daughter's 19-year-old girlfriend "Taylor" from coming to her house for the holidays. She dislikes that Taylor is 20 years younger than her sister. Because of this, I decided to celebrate the holidays at my house instead of hers.

My husband had a massive stroke four years ago, and it is difficult for him to spend much time away from home. Because Taylor would be there, Allie decided not to be present. She hung up on both of us when we tried to discuss the situation with her, and we haven't spoken to her since.

My sister-in-law told my husband we need to reach out to Allie so we "have no regrets." We declined because Allie has always been a diva who lies and manipulates to get her way. How should this be handled? At this point, I want to say I'm done because I don't feel we should be the ones to apologize. -- WELCOMING IN LOUISIANA

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5. DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. My father is still furious with my mother, and she is indifferent toward him.

My son is about to graduate from high school, and both grandparents want to attend the ceremony and dinner afterward. However, Dad refuses to be in proximity, or even sight line, to my mom. He wants me to plan the day so there is no chance they will cross paths -- separate cars, separate routes, separate seats, separate photos, separate meals at different restaurants.

My brother did this when his kid graduated, and it was a lot of work. It is silly. They are 75 years old and should be able to sit down the row from each other without throwing a tantrum. I want to hand out tickets to the ceremony and make one dinner reservation, and anyone who wants to come and be civil is welcome.

My son is upset with me because his grandfather is guilt-tripping him about us not "making it possible" for him to be at the graduation. However, my son isn't willing to take over the logistical strategizing for how my parents can enter and leave the building with no chance of interacting.

Am I right that this is silly? For what it's worth, Mom doesn't care one way or the other. -- DAUGHTER WITH A DILEMMA

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6. DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter, "Alexa," is breaking my heart. She's engaged to a nice enough man she's been with for five years, but she has cast aside every single wedding tradition that's important to us.

Alexa won't wear an engagement ring because diamonds are "ugly" and not politically correct. She has refused to have either an engagement party or a bridal shower. Because they are forgoing a registry, my friends have no idea what to get them for wedding gifts. (Turns out, none of my friends are invited to the wedding -- only their friends and family.) She also refuses to have a bridal party, so her sisters are hurt because they wanted to be bridesmaids.

I was so looking forward to shopping with her for her bridal gown, but she doesn't want to wear one. (She bought a plain white dress instead.) Worst of all, her father can't walk her down the aisle because, in her words, she's not property to be given away. There will be no reception -- just champagne and wedding cake in the basement of the church. There's no wedding dinner, not even appetizers, and no wedding toasts. There won't be a first dance because there's no band.

I understand that she watched her younger sister turn into a bridezilla, but her sister did have a gorgeous wedding that we paid for. We're willing to pay for hers too, but she and her fiance are refusing to do ANYthing we want. They are both doctors and can pay for whatever they want. Her father is ready to stay home rather than be ignored, and I'm not sure I want to be there either. How do we navigate this without alienating our daughter? -- RUINED WEDDING IN NEW YORK

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7. DEAR ABBY: We were recorded on video and audio on our daughter's porch, thinking we were talking to each other privately. We were discussing how hurt we were that she didn't want to spend time with us on our 50th wedding anniversary, shortly after she and her husband moved out of state. They could easily have driven to a new RV park close to our house. Her aunt tried to talk with her about seeing family members and being with us, but she refused.

We have supported our daughter despite all the mistakes she has made. She was offended that we had no good thoughts regarding her new life in another state and confronted me about my negativity, which was caught on camera. I have apologized to no avail about my negativity, but I was angry and hurt. My husband believes she has to be the one to forgive and forget. It's been two years of sending Christmas and birthday cards with no acknowledgement. What to do? -- BUSTED IN GEORGIA

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8. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is very opinionated. At times, we get along. But, in the past, she has upset me by accusing me of not doing the right thing. She and my son have two young children together and full custody of his son from another mother.

I complimented my grandson on looking after his little sister at her birthday party and was told that this wasn't the case, as she was being bullied by the other girls while he stood by and watched. My grandson has been through a lot, and I got upset and said to my son, "Perhaps you need to consider the partners you choose!" Bear in mind, this was all done via text.

I have given help with my grandchildren whenever it was requested. My daughter in-law is now accusing me of preferring my grandson over her children, which is not the case. We now have a fractured relationship and can't seem to resolve it. Please, can you help? -- FRACTURED IN AUSTRALIA

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9. Dear Care and Feeding,

I need advice on setting some boundaries with my parents. I’ve been seeing this guy, “Steve” for the past few months. Steve has pretty severe PTSD due to some childhood trauma. He’s mostly got it under control, but he’s very antsy when it comes time to sleep, and needs a pretty strict nighttime ritual to be able to drift off: an inspection of the house/apartment before he turns in, a locked bedroom door, and no sudden noises or lights turning on after he goes to sleep.

When we’re at home, it’s not an issue. But we went to visit my parents for a week a little while ago. I made sure to tell my parents about his issues, and they promised me they’d manage to keep things fine for him, that we’d stay in my sister’s room, and they’d make sure to keep quiet after bedtime. Well, when we went there, my sister, “Summer,” turned up on the same day, and things really went sideways from there.

My parents weren’t about to throw her out of her room, so we stayed in the guest room, which doesn’t have a door that locks. And Summer was loud, playing her music until the wee hours of the morning. Steve stuck it out for two days, barely sleeping on either of them, and then announced that he would stay in a hotel room for the rest of the trip. I joined him there, and we would drive back and forth from the hotel to my parents’ place for whatever we were doing that day.

My parents are not sympathetic. My mom thinks I shouldn’t be with someone that “sensitive,” and my dad is accusing him of faking the PTSD since he was never in the military. I am beyond furious with them, not only for going back on their promise, but the casual disregard and the almost instantly turning on him.

But this is a new relationship. And while I do like Steve, I’m not sure this is going to be something that lasts, you know? My parents have always been very good to me. Cutting them off feels like an over-escalation, but I don’t know how else to get through to them that they went way out of line on this one. What do I say? What do I do?

—Miserable

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10. Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother-in-law, “Bonnie,” is great. I truly feel like I won the jackpot. Bonnie is kind, caring, and thoughtful. She loves giving gifts and performing acts of service. She makes an effort to remember people’s names and pays attention to things they tell her about themselves. (She is the sort of person who asks the servers at restaurants their names and where they’re from.) That said, she tends to hear what she wants to hear and to turn even the most neutral things into negative ones.

An example: Recently, she and my father-in-law, “James,” visited from the other side of the large state we live in. The plan was that they would stop at our house—five hours from theirs—on their way to Bonnie’s sister’s home, one state over. Bonnie wanted to bring a full beef roast dinner with sides for us all to have for dinner. We told her we didn’t have room in our fridge for her to bring all this food, but she kept insisting. James suggested that, instead, we eat dinner at a restaurant in the town near our house. This didn’t seem like a great option to me either, as we live so far from the nearest town that our evening would end up being very late, so I offered to make dinner at home, and that seemed to satisfy everyone.

Then, the day of the visit, I got a call from Bonnie saying she and James were planning on stopping to pick up food at an out-of-the-way restaurant. It seemed like such a hassle to go grab food we had nowhere to store until dinnertime. I reminded her that we didn’t have room in our fridge for any more food, and that I was going to make dinner. When they arrived, Bonnie made numerous comments about us not letting her bring food. She mentioned that I “hated” the restaurant she’d wanted to stop at, and that she knows “everyone despises” her “choices when it comes to food.” Somehow, my offer to make dinner had turned into a personal slight against her, her tastes and preferences, maybe even her lifestyle choices. My husband, “Wade,” has learned to challenge her on these narratives, so this time he said, patiently, “We don’t hate that restaurant,” and, “We just don’t have any room in the fridge, since we did a big grocery shop on Monday.” His dad, James, will chime in too. But they both get steamrolled. She ends up telling us we obviously don’t love her or even that we hate her—that’s how worked up she gets over these imaginary slights. Bonnie and James ended up leaving early, going straight on to Bonnie’s sister’s, before I could even start dinner. And then later that night Wade got a text from his aunt asking why he and I were so “hateful” toward Bonnie!

I’m in therapy for anxiety, and this sort of conflict with Bonnie is a much-discussed topic in my sessions. I always feel like I must have done something wrong if Bonnie is misunderstanding me to this degree. Please help me navigate how to communicate with her.

—No, Really, the Fridge is Overflowing

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(no subject)

[conuly]

This is weirdly similar to this other letter, which makes me wonder if one or both might be fake

DEAR ABBY: My niece "Alyssa," an only child, is on the kidney transplant list. When I had my DNA tested, I learned that my brother had fathered another child. The information and facts this woman ("Bree") has provided ring true and are very believable. I have no doubt Bree is his daughter.

Unfortunately, my irresponsible brother turned his back on this daughter. Bree does not want to pursue a relationship with him or with me. She did have some questions related to health issues because she has children of her own. My brother and I haven't spoken for 10 years, mainly because of how poorly he treated our late parents. Should I continue to honor Bree's request, or tell her about her half-sister who needs the transplant? -- INVOLVED AUNT IN FLORIDA

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