agonyaunt | (no subject)

DEAR HARRIETTE: I volunteer at my local humane society every weekend, and over the past several months, I've developed a real connection with one of the cats there. Her name is Marbles, and she's been at the shelter for more than a year now. She's had a rough past, and she can be a bit aggressive at times, especially around strangers or loud noises, but there's a deep sadness in her eyes that breaks my heart. Despite her tough exterior, she's really opened up to me, and I can tell she trusts me.

I really want to adopt her, but my boyfriend is completely against having pets. He says they're too much responsibility and mess and that it would make our apartment feel chaotic. We've talked about it several times, and he hasn't budged. I understand where he's coming from, but I can't stop thinking about Marbles and how much she needs a stable home and someone who truly understands her. It feels like I'm abandoning her every time I leave. I'm torn between respecting my relationship and doing what I feel is right for this cat who's already been through so much. Is there a way to make this work without causing serious tension at home? -- Love That Stray

DEAR LOVE THAT STRAY: As torn as you are, it would be unfair to the cat to bring her into a home where she isn't welcome. The animal has already been traumatized by whatever happened in the past. The best you can do is love her when you are there with her and keep your eyes open for someone who may be the perfect person to take her home.

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If LW loves Boyfriend more than Cat - or if they're not financially able to move to a pets-allowed apartment at this time - then this advice is just fine.

But I would've pointed out that if they love Cat more than Boyfriend and also can move out then that choice is also valid.

The other letter in this column is about homeschooling. Harriette links to the HSLDA. I may write in, for what good it may do, and point out that the HSLDA claims to be a homeschool advocacy organization but is actually a right-wing front group and definitely only cares about some homeschoolers who homeschool for a very narrow set of reasons. I will neither take nor make any comments on homeschooling in general at this time, thanks - whatever we think about homeschooling we can at least all agree that the HSLDA sucks for all the reasons you'd assume a bunch of right wing douches with extremist ideas of parenting suck.

Edited 2025-05-04 18:05 (UTC)

I think LW has an important long-term choice to make. It seems like their BF is adamantly anti-pet, and LW desperately wants to be a cat person - Harriette assumes this is an obvious win in favor of BF, but I would argue that "will never accept a pet in the home" is a reasonable dealbreaker for people who love pets. It doesn't mean a person who doesn't want pets is a bad person, but it may well make them incompatible in the long term with someone who *does* want a pet.

Is LW - who loves animals so much they volunteer with them every weekend - willing to let this guy bar LW from adopting any animals, forever? That sounds like a recipe for seething resentment to me. LW might instead want to consider breaking up with this dude and making "loves cats and can deal with skittish rescues" a requirement for future dating.

Agreed. If you want kids, don't date somebody childfree. If you want cats, don't date somebody who hates pets.

Is LW - who loves animals so much they volunteer with them every weekend - willing to let this guy bar LW from adopting any animals, forever? That sounds like a recipe for seething resentment to me. LW might instead want to consider breaking up with this dude and making "loves cats and can deal with skittish rescues" a requirement for future dating.

For real. Every weekend is a HUGE commitment! LW has a passion.

There are many possible boyfriends. There is only one Marbles. Boot this anti-pet dude to the curb, hit the pet store for supplies, and bring that baby home. Later on you’ll find another romantic partner that’s secure enough to love cats too.

The only "make this work" compromise I can think of would be if the LW and boyfriend would both be comfortable as non-cohabiting partners. The boyfriend isn't just saying that this specific cat is too skittish for him to want to live with: he doesn't want the responsibility or "messiness" of any pet. Also, "too chaotic" feels like a plausible objection, but even if I didn't have or want cats, I'd be hesitant to make long-term plans with someone who thinks any pet is too much responsibility.

Non-cohabiting is an option that more people should consider — you can have a fantastic relationship with someone who isn’t necessarily a compatible live-in partner.

I am extremely not a dog person (and I adore my cats), and I have successfully had relationships with dog people and cat-allergic people, because we chose not to live together.

Me living with cats is nonnegotiable, however :)

I wouldn't put too much weight on the fact that he said it would be too much responsibility. If they've already discussed it "several times" and she is still turning to an advice columnist for a way around it, he may well have grasped at literally anything that would make her stop badgering him to get a cat he doesn't want.