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So many toxic families, so little time
1. Dear Annie: I'm stuck in the middle of some serious family tension. My cousin constantly makes little digs about my sister-in-law and my brother behind their backs. For example, she'll say things like, "Wow, your sister-in-law really knows how to spend money, doesn't she?" -- with a smirk, like she's trying to be funny, but it's clearly meant to cut. Then she'll press me for details about their lives -- what they're doing, what they've said, how they spend their time.
I never know how to respond. I don't want to betray my brother's trust, but I also don't want to create drama with my cousin. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope, and someone's going to get hurt no matter what I do.
How do I stay out of the middle without turning this into a bigger mess? -- Torn and Tired
Dear Torn: You're in a tough spot -- but not a unique one. Many people find themselves caught between loyalty and gossip, especially when family is involved.
Let's be clear: Your cousin isn't just "joking" when she makes snide remarks about your sister-in-law. That kind of passive-aggressive behavior is a way of stirring the pot without taking responsibility for it. And by asking you to spill personal details, she's dragging you into something you want no part of.
Here's what you do: stop playing along. The next time she makes a comment, gently say, "I'd rather not talk about them when they're not here." If she keeps pushing, change the subject. You don't need to confront her with fireworks -- but you also don't need to be her sounding board or informant.
You can't control your cousin's behavior, but you can control your role in it. Protect your peace and remember: Silence is sometimes the strongest boundary of all.
Link one (first letter is also about a toxic relation!)
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2. Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law and I have never had a good relationship, but we tolerate each other because of my son.
I have tried to be a good mother-in-law. I never visit unannounced. When my DIL had surgery for breast cancer, I took her to her appointments, and I was even the one to go with her when she rang the bell at the end of her treatment.
Approximately a year ago, we attended a party. I rode to the affair with my youngest son. When it was time to leave, my other son said, "Come on, let's go!" When I went to get in the car, my DIL said there was no room. There would have been three people in the backseat. I told my son, "Your wife said there's no room!" My son told me to get in the car anyway, so I did. On the way home, no one said a word, and it was obvious that my DIL was angry.
Since that time, we have seen each other at family functions, and we are cordial but distant. I feel that my DIL was disrespectful of my feelings by not wanting to give me a ride that night. I think she owes me an apology. I feel bad for my son. I have expressed my feelings to him, to which he said he understood.
In my opinion, my DIL is selfish, and over the years, she hasn't done anything for anyone unless there is a benefit for her. Should I ask her for an apology or just continue being cordial but superficial? -- Kind but Still Hurt
Dear Kind: It sounds like you've been a steady source of support for your DIL over the years, especially when it came to her health troubles. I'm sure she and your son appreciate that, even if they don't tell you very often.
This car ride incident has clearly stuck with you, but you need to ask yourself: Is this the hill you want to die on? There's a good chance her reaction that night had more to do with something on her end than anything with you. Bringing it up a year after the fact, especially to ask for an apology, would likely only strain your relationship further. You've also already expressed your feelings to your son, and his response made one thing clear: He hears you, but he's standing by his wife.
Keeping things polite and surface-level may not be what you hoped for, but it's likely the best way to preserve the peace -- and your connection with your son.
Link two
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3. DEAR ABBY: Ever since I was a child, my mom has regarded me as wise, thoughtful and intelligent. She has confided about family issues, tensions at church and cheating at her workplace. Abby, I don't want to be her confidant. Am I doomed to always hear her never-ending problems? She creates them herself by jumping to conclusions and suspecting everyone has ill intentions. While I understand this is to protect herself, it's exhausting to listen to and to advise when I know nothing will change.
The worst part is that I can't confide in her. She doesn't understand my perspective. I don't think she even tries. Our relationship is one-sided. Sometimes I feel like I'm HER mom. She talks to no one else like this and refuses to go to therapy. I'm a senior in high school and plan to go to college. I don't want to leave her like this. How can I help her? -- CAPTIVE CONFIDANT IN IOWA
DEAR CAPTIVE CONFIDANT: The best chance you have of helping your emotionally dependent mother would be to start by helping YOURSELF. Begin making plans about where you will go to college, creating plenty of physical space between you and Mom.
The next time she starts confiding (which, from what you have written, seems more like gossiping), tell her you don't have time to listen and that she should discuss it with a contemporary who has more life experience than you. (It's the truth.) She won't like hearing it and may try to make you feel guilty, but don't fall for it.
Keep repeating to your mother that her problems are more than you can handle and that talking to you about them hasn't helped her, which is why you want her to talk with a licensed mental health professional. That, my girl, would be the best way to help your mother.
Link three (Second letter is risible)
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4. DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter, "Allie," (whom I've raised as my own since she was 2), has banned my 39-year-old daughter's 19-year-old girlfriend "Taylor" from coming to her house for the holidays. She dislikes that Taylor is 20 years younger than her sister. Because of this, I decided to celebrate the holidays at my house instead of hers.
My husband had a massive stroke four years ago, and it is difficult for him to spend much time away from home. Because Taylor would be there, Allie decided not to be present. She hung up on both of us when we tried to discuss the situation with her, and we haven't spoken to her since.
My sister-in-law told my husband we need to reach out to Allie so we "have no regrets." We declined because Allie has always been a diva who lies and manipulates to get her way. How should this be handled? At this point, I want to say I'm done because I don't feel we should be the ones to apologize. -- WELCOMING IN LOUISIANA
DEAR WELCOMING: Ask yourself this, and answer the question honestly: If Allie were hit by a truck tomorrow, would you regret that you hadn't reached out to her? If the answer is no, stand pat. If the answer is yes, continue inviting her to holiday events and give her the opportunity to grow up and be gracious. The choice is yours; it shouldn't be your sister-in-law's, whose business this isn't.
Link four
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5. DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. My father is still furious with my mother, and she is indifferent toward him.
My son is about to graduate from high school, and both grandparents want to attend the ceremony and dinner afterward. However, Dad refuses to be in proximity, or even sight line, to my mom. He wants me to plan the day so there is no chance they will cross paths -- separate cars, separate routes, separate seats, separate photos, separate meals at different restaurants.
My brother did this when his kid graduated, and it was a lot of work. It is silly. They are 75 years old and should be able to sit down the row from each other without throwing a tantrum. I want to hand out tickets to the ceremony and make one dinner reservation, and anyone who wants to come and be civil is welcome.
My son is upset with me because his grandfather is guilt-tripping him about us not "making it possible" for him to be at the graduation. However, my son isn't willing to take over the logistical strategizing for how my parents can enter and leave the building with no chance of interacting.
Am I right that this is silly? For what it's worth, Mom doesn't care one way or the other. -- DAUGHTER WITH A DILEMMA
DEAR DAUGHTER: What your father refuses to recognize is that these special occasions are NOT all about him and his grudge against your mother, presumably for having the audacity to leave him.
Because you are unwilling to jump through hoops to accommodate his childish, demanding behavior, tell your father that if he can't bury the hatchet on this special occasion and celebrate your son's achievement, you will understand and omit him from the guest list. The choice is his to make -- whether to celebrate his grandson's milestone or continue to feed his grudge.
Link five
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6. DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter, "Alexa," is breaking my heart. She's engaged to a nice enough man she's been with for five years, but she has cast aside every single wedding tradition that's important to us.
Alexa won't wear an engagement ring because diamonds are "ugly" and not politically correct. She has refused to have either an engagement party or a bridal shower. Because they are forgoing a registry, my friends have no idea what to get them for wedding gifts. (Turns out, none of my friends are invited to the wedding -- only their friends and family.) She also refuses to have a bridal party, so her sisters are hurt because they wanted to be bridesmaids.
I was so looking forward to shopping with her for her bridal gown, but she doesn't want to wear one. (She bought a plain white dress instead.) Worst of all, her father can't walk her down the aisle because, in her words, she's not property to be given away. There will be no reception -- just champagne and wedding cake in the basement of the church. There's no wedding dinner, not even appetizers, and no wedding toasts. There won't be a first dance because there's no band.
I understand that she watched her younger sister turn into a bridezilla, but her sister did have a gorgeous wedding that we paid for. We're willing to pay for hers too, but she and her fiance are refusing to do ANYthing we want. They are both doctors and can pay for whatever they want. Her father is ready to stay home rather than be ignored, and I'm not sure I want to be there either. How do we navigate this without alienating our daughter? -- RUINED WEDDING IN NEW YORK
DEAR RUINED WEDDING: You and your husband navigate this by reminding yourselves that Alexa's wedding is hers, not yours. You have already had two weddings -- your own and your younger daughter's. Comfort yourselves with the knowledge that you and your husband can spend the money you would have blown on this shindig on a luxury vacation for yourselves.
Link six
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7. DEAR ABBY: We were recorded on video and audio on our daughter's porch, thinking we were talking to each other privately. We were discussing how hurt we were that she didn't want to spend time with us on our 50th wedding anniversary, shortly after she and her husband moved out of state. They could easily have driven to a new RV park close to our house. Her aunt tried to talk with her about seeing family members and being with us, but she refused.
We have supported our daughter despite all the mistakes she has made. She was offended that we had no good thoughts regarding her new life in another state and confronted me about my negativity, which was caught on camera. I have apologized to no avail about my negativity, but I was angry and hurt. My husband believes she has to be the one to forgive and forget. It's been two years of sending Christmas and birthday cards with no acknowledgement. What to do? -- BUSTED IN GEORGIA
DEAR BUSTED: I agree with your husband. Remember the adage, "The best defense is a good offense"? (It is also known as the strategic offensive principle of war.) Your daughter knows she was wrong not to come to your anniversary celebration, and she also knows how upset you were about it because she has seen it on her doorbell camera. However, she doesn't want to admit she was wrong and apologize. What you should do now is continue sending holiday cards to let her know the ball is in her court, and hope that, with time, she will grow up.
Link seven
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8. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is very opinionated. At times, we get along. But, in the past, she has upset me by accusing me of not doing the right thing. She and my son have two young children together and full custody of his son from another mother.
I complimented my grandson on looking after his little sister at her birthday party and was told that this wasn't the case, as she was being bullied by the other girls while he stood by and watched. My grandson has been through a lot, and I got upset and said to my son, "Perhaps you need to consider the partners you choose!" Bear in mind, this was all done via text.
I have given help with my grandchildren whenever it was requested. My daughter in-law is now accusing me of preferring my grandson over her children, which is not the case. We now have a fractured relationship and can't seem to resolve it. Please, can you help? -- FRACTURED IN AUSTRALIA
DEAR FRACTURED: Your grandchildren all share the same father, regardless of who their mothers are. Your grandson could have handled the bullying problem better than he did, but he may not have known how to step in. (Or may not have felt he was strong enough to intervene.)
If you weren't fully aware of what was going on, you couldn't have known the compliment you gave the boy was unwarranted. HOWEVER, for you to have told your son what you did about his wife was insulting and unkind. Begin apologizing profusely to her AND your son for losing your temper and saying something so hurtful. If you do, it may begin to heal the breach.
Link eight
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9. Dear Care and Feeding,
I need advice on setting some boundaries with my parents. I’ve been seeing this guy, “Steve” for the past few months. Steve has pretty severe PTSD due to some childhood trauma. He’s mostly got it under control, but he’s very antsy when it comes time to sleep, and needs a pretty strict nighttime ritual to be able to drift off: an inspection of the house/apartment before he turns in, a locked bedroom door, and no sudden noises or lights turning on after he goes to sleep.
When we’re at home, it’s not an issue. But we went to visit my parents for a week a little while ago. I made sure to tell my parents about his issues, and they promised me they’d manage to keep things fine for him, that we’d stay in my sister’s room, and they’d make sure to keep quiet after bedtime. Well, when we went there, my sister, “Summer,” turned up on the same day, and things really went sideways from there.
My parents weren’t about to throw her out of her room, so we stayed in the guest room, which doesn’t have a door that locks. And Summer was loud, playing her music until the wee hours of the morning. Steve stuck it out for two days, barely sleeping on either of them, and then announced that he would stay in a hotel room for the rest of the trip. I joined him there, and we would drive back and forth from the hotel to my parents’ place for whatever we were doing that day.
My parents are not sympathetic. My mom thinks I shouldn’t be with someone that “sensitive,” and my dad is accusing him of faking the PTSD since he was never in the military. I am beyond furious with them, not only for going back on their promise, but the casual disregard and the almost instantly turning on him.
But this is a new relationship. And while I do like Steve, I’m not sure this is going to be something that lasts, you know? My parents have always been very good to me. Cutting them off feels like an over-escalation, but I don’t know how else to get through to them that they went way out of line on this one. What do I say? What do I do?
—Miserable
Dear Miserable,
You definitely don’t need to cut your parents off over a new relationship, but you should talk to them honestly about how their actions made you feel. Let them know that Steve’s challenges do not take away from the (ostensibly) great guy that he is, nor do they impact how he treats you. Explain that you were (I’m assuming) embarrassed and disappointed that they couldn’t be more understanding. You may need to have a series of conversations like this, but don’t bring Steve around them until they promise to change their approach to him; he doesn’t deserve to be around people who are looking at him funny for something he can’t control, and that is relatively easy to accommodate. Also, it’s not clear how old your sister is, but it seems like maybe college age, if she still has a room but isn’t always there? If so, she’s old enough to behave better than this—I’d have a firm heart-to-heart with her about compassion, graciousness, and earbuds.
Link nine
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10. Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law, “Bonnie,” is great. I truly feel like I won the jackpot. Bonnie is kind, caring, and thoughtful. She loves giving gifts and performing acts of service. She makes an effort to remember people’s names and pays attention to things they tell her about themselves. (She is the sort of person who asks the servers at restaurants their names and where they’re from.) That said, she tends to hear what she wants to hear and to turn even the most neutral things into negative ones.
An example: Recently, she and my father-in-law, “James,” visited from the other side of the large state we live in. The plan was that they would stop at our house—five hours from theirs—on their way to Bonnie’s sister’s home, one state over. Bonnie wanted to bring a full beef roast dinner with sides for us all to have for dinner. We told her we didn’t have room in our fridge for her to bring all this food, but she kept insisting. James suggested that, instead, we eat dinner at a restaurant in the town near our house. This didn’t seem like a great option to me either, as we live so far from the nearest town that our evening would end up being very late, so I offered to make dinner at home, and that seemed to satisfy everyone.
Then, the day of the visit, I got a call from Bonnie saying she and James were planning on stopping to pick up food at an out-of-the-way restaurant. It seemed like such a hassle to go grab food we had nowhere to store until dinnertime. I reminded her that we didn’t have room in our fridge for any more food, and that I was going to make dinner. When they arrived, Bonnie made numerous comments about us not letting her bring food. She mentioned that I “hated” the restaurant she’d wanted to stop at, and that she knows “everyone despises” her “choices when it comes to food.” Somehow, my offer to make dinner had turned into a personal slight against her, her tastes and preferences, maybe even her lifestyle choices. My husband, “Wade,” has learned to challenge her on these narratives, so this time he said, patiently, “We don’t hate that restaurant,” and, “We just don’t have any room in the fridge, since we did a big grocery shop on Monday.” His dad, James, will chime in too. But they both get steamrolled. She ends up telling us we obviously don’t love her or even that we hate her—that’s how worked up she gets over these imaginary slights. Bonnie and James ended up leaving early, going straight on to Bonnie’s sister’s, before I could even start dinner. And then later that night Wade got a text from his aunt asking why he and I were so “hateful” toward Bonnie!
I’m in therapy for anxiety, and this sort of conflict with Bonnie is a much-discussed topic in my sessions. I always feel like I must have done something wrong if Bonnie is misunderstanding me to this degree. Please help me navigate how to communicate with her.
—No, Really, the Fridge is Overflowing
Dear No, Really,
If your therapist hasn’t been able to help you navigate communication with your mother-in-law, I honestly don’t see how I could. Presumably, the therapist knows a lot more about you, Bonnie, and the strange dynamic between the two of you than I do (not to mention that, also presumably, the therapist has a license to practice therapy and the education and training that preceded it). But I will say this: Something is very, very wrong.
I’m utterly willing to accept that Bonnie is the problem (she sounds like a piece of work). But your insistence (to yourself) that you “hit the jackpot” with this particular mother-in-law suggests that there is a disconnect between your lived experience of her and what you are telling yourself (and, you know, me) about it. Bonnie sounds like a woman who needs help. Since you can’t make her get help (no one can force anyone to get help), it seems to me you have very few options.
What you can do is put your foot down: You won’t tolerate this nonsense anymore. Don’t let her talk to you (or about you) this way. If she starts in, refuse to engage. And your husband can do a lot better than simply repeating what has already been said. He can refuse to allow her to indulge in her theatrics in his—and your—presence. I’m not hopeful about this, I admit, but it’s possible that if the two of you stop engaging/explaining, and your father-in-law follows suit, she will have no recourse but to seek help. I’m sorry not to be able to give you the answer you were hoping for. But I’m not sure finding a new way to communicate that currently eludes you will be the way to navigate through such choppy waters.
Link ten
I never know how to respond. I don't want to betray my brother's trust, but I also don't want to create drama with my cousin. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope, and someone's going to get hurt no matter what I do.
How do I stay out of the middle without turning this into a bigger mess? -- Torn and Tired
Dear Torn: You're in a tough spot -- but not a unique one. Many people find themselves caught between loyalty and gossip, especially when family is involved.
Let's be clear: Your cousin isn't just "joking" when she makes snide remarks about your sister-in-law. That kind of passive-aggressive behavior is a way of stirring the pot without taking responsibility for it. And by asking you to spill personal details, she's dragging you into something you want no part of.
Here's what you do: stop playing along. The next time she makes a comment, gently say, "I'd rather not talk about them when they're not here." If she keeps pushing, change the subject. You don't need to confront her with fireworks -- but you also don't need to be her sounding board or informant.
You can't control your cousin's behavior, but you can control your role in it. Protect your peace and remember: Silence is sometimes the strongest boundary of all.
Link one (first letter is also about a toxic relation!)
2. Dear Annie: My daughter-in-law and I have never had a good relationship, but we tolerate each other because of my son.
I have tried to be a good mother-in-law. I never visit unannounced. When my DIL had surgery for breast cancer, I took her to her appointments, and I was even the one to go with her when she rang the bell at the end of her treatment.
Approximately a year ago, we attended a party. I rode to the affair with my youngest son. When it was time to leave, my other son said, "Come on, let's go!" When I went to get in the car, my DIL said there was no room. There would have been three people in the backseat. I told my son, "Your wife said there's no room!" My son told me to get in the car anyway, so I did. On the way home, no one said a word, and it was obvious that my DIL was angry.
Since that time, we have seen each other at family functions, and we are cordial but distant. I feel that my DIL was disrespectful of my feelings by not wanting to give me a ride that night. I think she owes me an apology. I feel bad for my son. I have expressed my feelings to him, to which he said he understood.
In my opinion, my DIL is selfish, and over the years, she hasn't done anything for anyone unless there is a benefit for her. Should I ask her for an apology or just continue being cordial but superficial? -- Kind but Still Hurt
Dear Kind: It sounds like you've been a steady source of support for your DIL over the years, especially when it came to her health troubles. I'm sure she and your son appreciate that, even if they don't tell you very often.
This car ride incident has clearly stuck with you, but you need to ask yourself: Is this the hill you want to die on? There's a good chance her reaction that night had more to do with something on her end than anything with you. Bringing it up a year after the fact, especially to ask for an apology, would likely only strain your relationship further. You've also already expressed your feelings to your son, and his response made one thing clear: He hears you, but he's standing by his wife.
Keeping things polite and surface-level may not be what you hoped for, but it's likely the best way to preserve the peace -- and your connection with your son.
Link two
3. DEAR ABBY: Ever since I was a child, my mom has regarded me as wise, thoughtful and intelligent. She has confided about family issues, tensions at church and cheating at her workplace. Abby, I don't want to be her confidant. Am I doomed to always hear her never-ending problems? She creates them herself by jumping to conclusions and suspecting everyone has ill intentions. While I understand this is to protect herself, it's exhausting to listen to and to advise when I know nothing will change.
The worst part is that I can't confide in her. She doesn't understand my perspective. I don't think she even tries. Our relationship is one-sided. Sometimes I feel like I'm HER mom. She talks to no one else like this and refuses to go to therapy. I'm a senior in high school and plan to go to college. I don't want to leave her like this. How can I help her? -- CAPTIVE CONFIDANT IN IOWA
DEAR CAPTIVE CONFIDANT: The best chance you have of helping your emotionally dependent mother would be to start by helping YOURSELF. Begin making plans about where you will go to college, creating plenty of physical space between you and Mom.
The next time she starts confiding (which, from what you have written, seems more like gossiping), tell her you don't have time to listen and that she should discuss it with a contemporary who has more life experience than you. (It's the truth.) She won't like hearing it and may try to make you feel guilty, but don't fall for it.
Keep repeating to your mother that her problems are more than you can handle and that talking to you about them hasn't helped her, which is why you want her to talk with a licensed mental health professional. That, my girl, would be the best way to help your mother.
Link three (Second letter is risible)
4. DEAR ABBY: My stepdaughter, "Allie," (whom I've raised as my own since she was 2), has banned my 39-year-old daughter's 19-year-old girlfriend "Taylor" from coming to her house for the holidays. She dislikes that Taylor is 20 years younger than her sister. Because of this, I decided to celebrate the holidays at my house instead of hers.
My husband had a massive stroke four years ago, and it is difficult for him to spend much time away from home. Because Taylor would be there, Allie decided not to be present. She hung up on both of us when we tried to discuss the situation with her, and we haven't spoken to her since.
My sister-in-law told my husband we need to reach out to Allie so we "have no regrets." We declined because Allie has always been a diva who lies and manipulates to get her way. How should this be handled? At this point, I want to say I'm done because I don't feel we should be the ones to apologize. -- WELCOMING IN LOUISIANA
DEAR WELCOMING: Ask yourself this, and answer the question honestly: If Allie were hit by a truck tomorrow, would you regret that you hadn't reached out to her? If the answer is no, stand pat. If the answer is yes, continue inviting her to holiday events and give her the opportunity to grow up and be gracious. The choice is yours; it shouldn't be your sister-in-law's, whose business this isn't.
Link four
5. DEAR ABBY: My parents have been divorced for almost 30 years. My father is still furious with my mother, and she is indifferent toward him.
My son is about to graduate from high school, and both grandparents want to attend the ceremony and dinner afterward. However, Dad refuses to be in proximity, or even sight line, to my mom. He wants me to plan the day so there is no chance they will cross paths -- separate cars, separate routes, separate seats, separate photos, separate meals at different restaurants.
My brother did this when his kid graduated, and it was a lot of work. It is silly. They are 75 years old and should be able to sit down the row from each other without throwing a tantrum. I want to hand out tickets to the ceremony and make one dinner reservation, and anyone who wants to come and be civil is welcome.
My son is upset with me because his grandfather is guilt-tripping him about us not "making it possible" for him to be at the graduation. However, my son isn't willing to take over the logistical strategizing for how my parents can enter and leave the building with no chance of interacting.
Am I right that this is silly? For what it's worth, Mom doesn't care one way or the other. -- DAUGHTER WITH A DILEMMA
DEAR DAUGHTER: What your father refuses to recognize is that these special occasions are NOT all about him and his grudge against your mother, presumably for having the audacity to leave him.
Because you are unwilling to jump through hoops to accommodate his childish, demanding behavior, tell your father that if he can't bury the hatchet on this special occasion and celebrate your son's achievement, you will understand and omit him from the guest list. The choice is his to make -- whether to celebrate his grandson's milestone or continue to feed his grudge.
Link five
6. DEAR ABBY: My oldest daughter, "Alexa," is breaking my heart. She's engaged to a nice enough man she's been with for five years, but she has cast aside every single wedding tradition that's important to us.
Alexa won't wear an engagement ring because diamonds are "ugly" and not politically correct. She has refused to have either an engagement party or a bridal shower. Because they are forgoing a registry, my friends have no idea what to get them for wedding gifts. (Turns out, none of my friends are invited to the wedding -- only their friends and family.) She also refuses to have a bridal party, so her sisters are hurt because they wanted to be bridesmaids.
I was so looking forward to shopping with her for her bridal gown, but she doesn't want to wear one. (She bought a plain white dress instead.) Worst of all, her father can't walk her down the aisle because, in her words, she's not property to be given away. There will be no reception -- just champagne and wedding cake in the basement of the church. There's no wedding dinner, not even appetizers, and no wedding toasts. There won't be a first dance because there's no band.
I understand that she watched her younger sister turn into a bridezilla, but her sister did have a gorgeous wedding that we paid for. We're willing to pay for hers too, but she and her fiance are refusing to do ANYthing we want. They are both doctors and can pay for whatever they want. Her father is ready to stay home rather than be ignored, and I'm not sure I want to be there either. How do we navigate this without alienating our daughter? -- RUINED WEDDING IN NEW YORK
DEAR RUINED WEDDING: You and your husband navigate this by reminding yourselves that Alexa's wedding is hers, not yours. You have already had two weddings -- your own and your younger daughter's. Comfort yourselves with the knowledge that you and your husband can spend the money you would have blown on this shindig on a luxury vacation for yourselves.
Link six
7. DEAR ABBY: We were recorded on video and audio on our daughter's porch, thinking we were talking to each other privately. We were discussing how hurt we were that she didn't want to spend time with us on our 50th wedding anniversary, shortly after she and her husband moved out of state. They could easily have driven to a new RV park close to our house. Her aunt tried to talk with her about seeing family members and being with us, but she refused.
We have supported our daughter despite all the mistakes she has made. She was offended that we had no good thoughts regarding her new life in another state and confronted me about my negativity, which was caught on camera. I have apologized to no avail about my negativity, but I was angry and hurt. My husband believes she has to be the one to forgive and forget. It's been two years of sending Christmas and birthday cards with no acknowledgement. What to do? -- BUSTED IN GEORGIA
DEAR BUSTED: I agree with your husband. Remember the adage, "The best defense is a good offense"? (It is also known as the strategic offensive principle of war.) Your daughter knows she was wrong not to come to your anniversary celebration, and she also knows how upset you were about it because she has seen it on her doorbell camera. However, she doesn't want to admit she was wrong and apologize. What you should do now is continue sending holiday cards to let her know the ball is in her court, and hope that, with time, she will grow up.
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8. DEAR ABBY: My daughter-in-law is very opinionated. At times, we get along. But, in the past, she has upset me by accusing me of not doing the right thing. She and my son have two young children together and full custody of his son from another mother.
I complimented my grandson on looking after his little sister at her birthday party and was told that this wasn't the case, as she was being bullied by the other girls while he stood by and watched. My grandson has been through a lot, and I got upset and said to my son, "Perhaps you need to consider the partners you choose!" Bear in mind, this was all done via text.
I have given help with my grandchildren whenever it was requested. My daughter in-law is now accusing me of preferring my grandson over her children, which is not the case. We now have a fractured relationship and can't seem to resolve it. Please, can you help? -- FRACTURED IN AUSTRALIA
DEAR FRACTURED: Your grandchildren all share the same father, regardless of who their mothers are. Your grandson could have handled the bullying problem better than he did, but he may not have known how to step in. (Or may not have felt he was strong enough to intervene.)
If you weren't fully aware of what was going on, you couldn't have known the compliment you gave the boy was unwarranted. HOWEVER, for you to have told your son what you did about his wife was insulting and unkind. Begin apologizing profusely to her AND your son for losing your temper and saying something so hurtful. If you do, it may begin to heal the breach.
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9. Dear Care and Feeding,
I need advice on setting some boundaries with my parents. I’ve been seeing this guy, “Steve” for the past few months. Steve has pretty severe PTSD due to some childhood trauma. He’s mostly got it under control, but he’s very antsy when it comes time to sleep, and needs a pretty strict nighttime ritual to be able to drift off: an inspection of the house/apartment before he turns in, a locked bedroom door, and no sudden noises or lights turning on after he goes to sleep.
When we’re at home, it’s not an issue. But we went to visit my parents for a week a little while ago. I made sure to tell my parents about his issues, and they promised me they’d manage to keep things fine for him, that we’d stay in my sister’s room, and they’d make sure to keep quiet after bedtime. Well, when we went there, my sister, “Summer,” turned up on the same day, and things really went sideways from there.
My parents weren’t about to throw her out of her room, so we stayed in the guest room, which doesn’t have a door that locks. And Summer was loud, playing her music until the wee hours of the morning. Steve stuck it out for two days, barely sleeping on either of them, and then announced that he would stay in a hotel room for the rest of the trip. I joined him there, and we would drive back and forth from the hotel to my parents’ place for whatever we were doing that day.
My parents are not sympathetic. My mom thinks I shouldn’t be with someone that “sensitive,” and my dad is accusing him of faking the PTSD since he was never in the military. I am beyond furious with them, not only for going back on their promise, but the casual disregard and the almost instantly turning on him.
But this is a new relationship. And while I do like Steve, I’m not sure this is going to be something that lasts, you know? My parents have always been very good to me. Cutting them off feels like an over-escalation, but I don’t know how else to get through to them that they went way out of line on this one. What do I say? What do I do?
—Miserable
Dear Miserable,
You definitely don’t need to cut your parents off over a new relationship, but you should talk to them honestly about how their actions made you feel. Let them know that Steve’s challenges do not take away from the (ostensibly) great guy that he is, nor do they impact how he treats you. Explain that you were (I’m assuming) embarrassed and disappointed that they couldn’t be more understanding. You may need to have a series of conversations like this, but don’t bring Steve around them until they promise to change their approach to him; he doesn’t deserve to be around people who are looking at him funny for something he can’t control, and that is relatively easy to accommodate. Also, it’s not clear how old your sister is, but it seems like maybe college age, if she still has a room but isn’t always there? If so, she’s old enough to behave better than this—I’d have a firm heart-to-heart with her about compassion, graciousness, and earbuds.
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10. Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother-in-law, “Bonnie,” is great. I truly feel like I won the jackpot. Bonnie is kind, caring, and thoughtful. She loves giving gifts and performing acts of service. She makes an effort to remember people’s names and pays attention to things they tell her about themselves. (She is the sort of person who asks the servers at restaurants their names and where they’re from.) That said, she tends to hear what she wants to hear and to turn even the most neutral things into negative ones.
An example: Recently, she and my father-in-law, “James,” visited from the other side of the large state we live in. The plan was that they would stop at our house—five hours from theirs—on their way to Bonnie’s sister’s home, one state over. Bonnie wanted to bring a full beef roast dinner with sides for us all to have for dinner. We told her we didn’t have room in our fridge for her to bring all this food, but she kept insisting. James suggested that, instead, we eat dinner at a restaurant in the town near our house. This didn’t seem like a great option to me either, as we live so far from the nearest town that our evening would end up being very late, so I offered to make dinner at home, and that seemed to satisfy everyone.
Then, the day of the visit, I got a call from Bonnie saying she and James were planning on stopping to pick up food at an out-of-the-way restaurant. It seemed like such a hassle to go grab food we had nowhere to store until dinnertime. I reminded her that we didn’t have room in our fridge for any more food, and that I was going to make dinner. When they arrived, Bonnie made numerous comments about us not letting her bring food. She mentioned that I “hated” the restaurant she’d wanted to stop at, and that she knows “everyone despises” her “choices when it comes to food.” Somehow, my offer to make dinner had turned into a personal slight against her, her tastes and preferences, maybe even her lifestyle choices. My husband, “Wade,” has learned to challenge her on these narratives, so this time he said, patiently, “We don’t hate that restaurant,” and, “We just don’t have any room in the fridge, since we did a big grocery shop on Monday.” His dad, James, will chime in too. But they both get steamrolled. She ends up telling us we obviously don’t love her or even that we hate her—that’s how worked up she gets over these imaginary slights. Bonnie and James ended up leaving early, going straight on to Bonnie’s sister’s, before I could even start dinner. And then later that night Wade got a text from his aunt asking why he and I were so “hateful” toward Bonnie!
I’m in therapy for anxiety, and this sort of conflict with Bonnie is a much-discussed topic in my sessions. I always feel like I must have done something wrong if Bonnie is misunderstanding me to this degree. Please help me navigate how to communicate with her.
—No, Really, the Fridge is Overflowing
Dear No, Really,
If your therapist hasn’t been able to help you navigate communication with your mother-in-law, I honestly don’t see how I could. Presumably, the therapist knows a lot more about you, Bonnie, and the strange dynamic between the two of you than I do (not to mention that, also presumably, the therapist has a license to practice therapy and the education and training that preceded it). But I will say this: Something is very, very wrong.
I’m utterly willing to accept that Bonnie is the problem (she sounds like a piece of work). But your insistence (to yourself) that you “hit the jackpot” with this particular mother-in-law suggests that there is a disconnect between your lived experience of her and what you are telling yourself (and, you know, me) about it. Bonnie sounds like a woman who needs help. Since you can’t make her get help (no one can force anyone to get help), it seems to me you have very few options.
What you can do is put your foot down: You won’t tolerate this nonsense anymore. Don’t let her talk to you (or about you) this way. If she starts in, refuse to engage. And your husband can do a lot better than simply repeating what has already been said. He can refuse to allow her to indulge in her theatrics in his—and your—presence. I’m not hopeful about this, I admit, but it’s possible that if the two of you stop engaging/explaining, and your father-in-law follows suit, she will have no recourse but to seek help. I’m sorry not to be able to give you the answer you were hoping for. But I’m not sure finding a new way to communicate that currently eludes you will be the way to navigate through such choppy waters.
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