One column, two letters

[conuly]

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1. Dear Care and Feeding,

My 7-year-old son “Mason” plays soccer and really enjoys it and has made some good friends on the team. The issue is that my husband “Nigel” is a borderline soccer hooligan. While at our son’s games, he is perpetually making loud comments and curses when he thinks a call is unfair. He even earned himself a three-game suspension after he stormed down to the field to confront the referee when he called a foul on Mason and had to be pulled away by two other dads and both coaches.

Mason is really upset by his dad’s behavior (as am I and all of the other parents!) and asked if I can get him to stop. I have tried. Nigel is normally a decent and mild-mannered person. But when it comes to our son’s games, it’s like he becomes possessed. He keeps assuring me he will tone it down, but it doesn’t happen, no matter how many times I ask. I am this close to speaking to those in charge about barring my husband from attending the games for the remainder of the season. Can you suggest anything that would allow him to watch our son play without causing a riot?

—Sports Dad Issues

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2. Dear Care and Feeding,

My 9-year-old loves playing board games … until she doesn’t. Occasionally she can lose with grace, but more often she gets extremely distressed if she thinks she’s doing worse than the other player, or if she’s in danger of losing. Something close to panic sets in, as if it’s an emergency that she win the game. And she asks to play games; no one is forcing her! I really want to help her— it would be lovely if we could play fun family games that don’t devolve into tears and accusations of unfairness. Sure we could play collaborative board games, but the ability to lose an inconsequential game without fully losing it seems important. She is on the autism spectrum, but otherwise has no tendency towards meltdowns or extreme reactions. It’s just games. Any advice?

—Sore Loser

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Meghan: I have two grown sons. The younger is 34 and recently accused me of controlling and ruining his life because I encouraged him to pursue a postgrad law-related degree.

He claims since graduating with a BA, I had been harassing him. I suggested and encouraged him continue his education while he’s still young. And I offered to pick up half the tab. He was the one who decided to start the postgrad program, and now I suppose the curriculum is kind of overwhelming him and he’s out for blood. Mine.

I tried to reason with him by saying as a parent, I have a right to encourage my children. It initially made me angry, and I responded with equally mean comments. What’s my next move?

— Postgrad Son

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Carolyn: Last weekend, I was at a dinner party attended by 10 people. When the conversation turned to politics, one of the guests was insistent that she had heard enough that day. We are all nice people and didn’t want to cause her discomfort, so we censored ourselves. But afterward, I became resentful, thinking she didn’t have the right to dictate the subject of conversation.

I suppose there are some topics one might be justified in curtailing: gossip, overt sexual or gruesome things. But we are all politically active people, and I would have liked to have heard what others had to say. What could I have said to her that wasn’t rude to explain that her dictate was hurtful to me? Should I take her aside someday to tell her how the incident affected me, or wait until it happens again? Then what should I say?

— R.

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