a weird one from Care & Feeding

[laurajv]

Dear Care and Feeding,
Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.
—Disgusted Parent

Dear Disgusted Parent,
Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

For once, a Dear Amy response that doesn't make me want to smack her!

[ashbet]

Dear Amy: I live in an affluent neighborhood of expensive, although older homes. The vast majority of homes are very well-maintained and manicured. Many have had major remodels to look like brand-new homes. However, there are a couple of homes that are in serious need of a facelift!

One home in particular is a complete eyesore. Although it is worth over a couple million dollars, the lawn is dead, there are high weeds where the lawn should be, paint doesn’t match and/or is faded in places, wood fascia is rotting, along with other significant cosmetic problems. There do not seem to be any code violations that would get the city involved.

I am not aware of the owner’s financial situation, but they have been there long enough where there should be significant equity to refinance and pull out money for repairs — or sell and move to a less expensive home. Other neighbors have left notes, to no avail. Any suggestions on how to get this family to fix up their house, or even move?

— Frustrated Neighbor



Frustrated: It is so generous of you to provide such a detailed list of repairs that need to be made to this property! You’ve obviously inspected the property quite closely. You’ve also extended your generous attitude toward these strangers by offering suggestions for how they might finance improvements to their property to meet your needs, including the idea of them moving.

What you haven't done is offered to mow their lawn. Or offered to get a group of people together to help with some cosmetic repairs to the outside of their home (oh, the horror of faded paint!).

What a neighborhood! People leaving notes and developing repair punch lists and investment advice — and not one person finding out who these neighbors are and asking if they need a hand. I suggest that you approach this by putting human values ahead of property values. Changing your own orientation and approach should improve the neighborhood.