agonyaunt | a weird one from Care & Feeding

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a weird one from Care & Feeding

Dear Care and Feeding,
Recently, my daughter gave me a hard time about coming to help for two weeks when I was going to be laid up with major surgery. When her husband arrived, my husband—who has cognitive issues—let the dog loose by accident and the dog bit my son-in-law (the dog had never seen him before) and there was one puncture (no stitches). Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her, and my husband and I feel she did this intentionally. Am I wrong to want to have nothing to do with her? The dog is a sweetheart and my constant companion.
—Disgusted Parent

Dear Disgusted Parent,
Is it crappy that your daughter reported you and the dog after she skipped town? Yes, it is—based on your version of the incident, which is all I have to go on, I think she should have talked things out with you first. However, I get the sense that your relationship with her was damaged long before this visit took place, because most adult children would’ve handled the situation differently—this feels like retaliation for more than just a frightened nip. Either way, you should contact her and try to figure out why she took such drastic action without warning. If you don’t receive a satisfactory answer, then I would have no problem with you choosing to love her from a distance for a while. Once you’ve cooled down, if this relationship is important to you, then you should take time to repair it, even if it means going to a family therapist together to figure out where all these negative emotions are coming from. I understand your anger, but holding onto it forever will only damage you in the long run. Speak to her when you’re ready, and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.

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THIS IS SO DEEPLY WEIRD.

why would you write to care & feeding about this? this is about a grown adult?? this isn't a parenting question???? have there been other questions about adult children on care & feeding before and I just don't recall any of them??

ALSO, if LW's son-in-law got medical care for the bite -- which he should have -- in many places that will trigger a mandatory report to Animal Control. My neighbor's dog bit my kid, and the urgent care filled out a form to report it, my neighbor was contacted, they checked that her dog was a) fully vaccinated b) licensed c) did/did not have a bite history. Once I took my kid to get medical care, there was no option where the bite didn't get reported, because it's a public health and safety issue.

Pretty weird answer, too, given how unreliable the letter sounds.

Also: reporting a dog bite isn't something that you do out of vindictiveness/spite

it's something that you do so that you don't have "what if the dog bites a toddlers face off next time?" weighing on your conscience

Word. I don't know why C&F even answered this one. I wonder if LW thinks the SIL should have forgone medical treatment in order to prevent the report being filed. But I do agree with C&F on one thing -- there's past stuff going on in this family ("gave me a hard time about coming to help when I was laid up after surgery" , well, what else was LW's daughter doing with her life?)

Seems to me an advice columnist of this sort should know perfectly well that it's (always? but certainly often) mandatory for health care workers to report dog bites.

you would think! but probably lots of people don't know that unless they have interacted with the system.

(when we got back from getting medical care for my kid's bite, I went to tell my neighbor that there was automatic reporting to the county so someone would probably call her. they did, they wanted a copy of the rabies certificate. it was fine. she wasn't mad at me, I wasn't mad at her. no one was mad at the dog -- the bite was my kid's fault and we all agreed on that, even my kid.)

Weird how "my dog bites people, is inadequately secured, and harmed a member of my family who was only there because I asked for a major favor" is just... skated over, by both LW and the advice columnist. If the dog is your constant companion, why is the dog loose and biting people? If you know your dog bites strangers and that you have people visiting, why do you feel no responsibility to protect your visitors from your dog? There's no remorse or concern in this letter for the son-in-law at ALL.

LW, you're a nightmare, and I hope your son-in-law recovers without issues and that he and your daughter ghost you forever. Also that someone forces you to do something about training the dog. (IDK anything firsthand about dog training (because I avoid them, because I've been attacked in the past! also I'm allergic), but I have known dog owners who say that their vicious biting dog is "a sweetheart" and they are not generally doing anything whatsoever to stop that behavior. And I am given to understand that dogs can usually be trained.)

I read it in the opposite direction, that the daughter was forcing her assistance on the mom. That’s a common thing in my family; I’ve had to be very clear with my family members that no, I do not need you coming to help me, I have it covered already, etc. But then they get in their feels because they feel rejected and like they’re not being given the “right” to help, which is what family is supposed to do (from their perspective). From my perspective, having guests in my space (even ones to be helpful) while I’m trying to recover would be more stressful for me, and recovery is my priority.

So I’m not sure if LW asked for a favor (for her daughter to come help, which her daughter resisted) or it’s a family dynamic like mine, where some family members keep trying to insert themselves even when their assistance isn’t desired and they try to guilt you into accepting. The “gave me a hard time” could work either way.

Huh, interesting! Yeah, I'd assumed that "giving her a hard time" meant LW wanted something and her daughter resisted, and that was why LW accused her of "doing this intentionally" to get out of it. Or did the daughter already stay for the two weeks, and it was when her husband came to pick her up that the dog bite happened, which is why they left town immediately? This letter is a masterpiece of confusion; going back to reread it makes me *less* clear on what happened and when.

You're right that it's very open to interpretation, and that Unhelpful Helpiness may be involved. (Also, sympathies on the pushy family! I often do need help from family due to chronic illness, but can only get it in Maximally Stressful form with the expectation of perpetual gratefulness, which is very obnoxious. Would be nice if people would prioritize *not* stressing out the person they want to Help!)

There's *some* kind of power struggle in this letter but LW's really vague about who wanted what, which does not make them seem very reliable. Also I kind of wonder if the accusation that the daughter and son-in-law "intentionally" reported on the dog bite in order to hurt LW is projection, and the dog getting loose and biting was accidentally-on-purpose. idk.

Whatever the backstory is, probably having nothing to do with each other would be an improvement.

It’s definitely confusing. It does sound like the dog bite wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault (the husband has cognitive difficulties so can’t be blamed for letting the dog loose, and the dog had been appropriately restrained prior to that). But yeah, we don’t know enough about the dog bite itself; I’ve had nips that broke skin but didn’t cause enough damage to get medical attention, so it ended with me complaining at the owner to be more careful. But other times even if a bite doesn’t require stitches it may still be deep enough to need medical attention, in which case the reporting would have been automatic. The daughter may not have reported anything at all herself or even known it was reported, and the reason it took over two weeks was because the wheels of hospitals and subsequent public health/animal authorities grind slowly.

You have my sympathies too! I’m chronically ill as well, but generally my immediate family has my needs well-handled. We just don’t need the stress of extended family coming in. (And for at least one of the family members, any assistance has that expectation of fawning gratitude you mention. Ughhhhh.)

I definitely agree that wherever the problems are between LW and Daughter, either family therapy (if all parties come to it in good faith; otherwise it’s pointless) or space are the best options.

I mean, if you have a dog that needs to be restrained not to bite strangers, you 1000% need systems in place so that the dog CANNOT BITE STRANGERS. Like ones that a person with cognitive difficulties is unlikely to accidentally mess up. This is imperative.

Personally, I believe that if you have a dog that bites strangers, you should not have a dog.

I would agree in general, though I also think sometimes multiple failures happen at once. They may well have a system, which is LW under normal circumstances and that’s fine, and visitors are introduced in the presence of LW who can reassure the dog, and that’s fine, and that’s worked to this point. But then we have a situation where LW is out of commission in a way they usually aren’t, so LW took the step of restraining the dog because the usual protocols that work couldn’t occur, but then there was a failure due to the husband (who may well have been confused about why the dog was restrained, because that’s never been necessary before).

The problem is that there’s so few details in this letter, I can’t draw any solid conclusion; there’s just supposition. Maybe LW has a dangerous dog who has bitten people before. Maybe this was the first time. Maybe it only happened due to multiple failures and will never happen again. Maybe it is likely to happen again. Maybe it was serious enough to need to be checked out. Maybe it wasn’t a big deal and LW’s daughter did something resentful because she got forced into helping. I have no idea.

The “gave me a hard time” could work either way.

True, but "gave me a hard time... when I was laid up after major surgery" to me strongly suggests it's a complaint about needing help.

agreed

Both the LW and the columnist seem to be skating over "my husband, who has cognitive issues, let the dog loose by accident."

If the cognitive issues are relevant, that implies that he's likely to make that same mistake again. If they aren't, then it's something like "my husband is disabled/isn't well, you have to excuse whatever he did."

I also notice that she says the dog had never seen her son-in-law before, but not that the dog had no biting history. I wonder who if anyone the dog had bitten before, maybe someone who didn't want to bother calling animal control, or worried about what would happen, to either the dog or to their friendship with the dog owners, if they did report it.

I sympathize if it felt like "don't call the cops, they only make things worse," but if the situation is anything like that, LW should be warning visitors. If you have a dog who reacts badly to anyone he doesn't know, you should warn potential visitors of that--otherwise you can find yourself with a crash at the intersection between "all dogs are friendly" and "I must protect my humans from strangers."

If we focus on SOLELY the dog aspects of this, we have a dog who bites strangers, that the owners do not have adequate control systems in place to handle, and where the owners are blaming bite victims for having reported a bite (which might not have been in the bite victim's control, due to reporting systems). This is a recipe for someone else being bitten, and badly.

I'm coming down on "this dog should not be alive" and "these people should not own dogs" pretty heavily, I have to say.

There's so much Missing Information here. I agree with C&F that LW's relationship with her daughter was damaged before this incident. I wonder if the dog bite was a "last straw" situation for the daughter. A puncture wound is serious whether stitches are needed or not. It's not something to gloss over yet LW seemed to expect that from her daughter and SIL.

And tbh I'd be worried if LW's husband's cognitive issues might impact his ability to control the dog in future. Again, so much info is missing.

Yeah, this is one of those letters that's more missing information than actual information.

Who was the one pressing for two weeks of help? Was Daughter the one helping or SIL? Did the helper stay for two weeks or were they coming to visit? Were they helping you with your health issues or were they being a carer for Husband or did you drop both on them without discussion? Was this the beginning or end of the visit? Did you have any plan on how to handle a dog who's bad with strangers during this entire two weeks? Does "skipping town" mean "she went on vacation to Ibiza" or "she went home, which was a long way away, after staying with us for two weeks"? Was Husband letting the dog out forseeable or the result of unique confusion because of the visit? Was the dog biting a stranger forseeable?

(Is this a Newfie or a Pom? Not that's its good either way, but the fact that you're not specifying makes me wonder.)

Why on earth has a SIL who is close enough to help out for two weeks *never met your dog*?

The Missing Information is EXTREMELY LOUD, and my one takeaway is that the LW's account is not to be trusted!

(And, yes, mandatory medical reporting of dog bites is extremely common, so Daughter/SIL may not even have contacted animal control directly!)

I read it as the daughter came to help for two weeks, and at the end of the two weeks the son-in-law came to pick her up, was bitten by the dog, the dog bite was reported (probably because son-in-law sensibly had it looked at in case he needed stitches or a shot or something), and once they were back home and the dust had settled, the daughter told her parents that the bite had been reported.

Also, it may not matter whether the LW and their husband want to have anything to do with their daughter and son-in-law. If I had been bitten by a dog, and the dog's owner reminded me that the dog was their constant companion and that they and the dog had done nothing wrong, I wouldn't be visiting again. Or inviting them over. Or meeting anywhere that someone might think it was reasonable to bring a dog (including anywhere outdoors).

That's before we get to the LW prioritizing her dog, and desire to see the dog, over her daughter. Whatever their reasons for that, they can't seriously expect their daughter to like it.

Well, my daughter reported me and the dog to animal control, but she didn’t tell us until after she left town. I now feel I cannot trust her,

It's not clear if LW is mainly distressed that her daughter didn't tell her about the report to animal control. I can understand wanting a heads-up about that sort of thing. I can also understand why the daughter might want to avoid an argument with her mom about dog who is a "sweetheart and constant companion" who is also sometimes dangerous, and a dad whose cognitive abilities are declining in his old age, to the point where he can't keep the house safe for an afternoon. These are really hard conversations, but people of good will manage to have them and build strong relationships later.

Or, LW might be upset that her daughter told the authorities about the injury at all. Fuck that.

Sweetheart dogs don't bite people, no, not even people they haven't seen before.

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a weird one from Care & Feeding

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