Carolyn Hax: Parent wants to give money but fears son-in-law will waste it

[cereta]

Dear Carolyn: I have decided to give a sizable cash gift to each of my children and their spouses each year. My son and daughter-in-law have already told me what they are going to spend the money on: doing house repairs, paying off their car, etc.

My concern is with my daughter and her new husband. They are both teachers in their late 30s. He has a history of overspending (apparently it runs in his family). He had a lot of debt when they met and my daughter helped him navigate paying down loans and credit cards. She has shared all of this with me. She said he still likes to spend on frivolous things.

They are expecting. I was unhappily surprised when I asked about summer plans and they are just taking it easy with no plans to earn extra money. I don’t want to attach any strings to this money, but I cannot stop thinking about him using it unwisely. What do you think about my asking my daughter how they plan to use the money? Or should I just get over it and let them handle it?

— Concerned

Concerned: There are lots of options between butting into their business or enabling their business. You could give them (some of) the money in a trust, for example, to both couples, to avoid a judgy look. Or you could set up an education savings account, one you control, for your coming grandchild. These may seem like “strings,” but they are darn generous ones, and they are smart.

I like this one the best: Since your daughter shared his history with you, you can talk to her about what she would prefer. Not in a controlly, “tsk at your unwise spending” way, but in a way that acknowledges a reality that your daughter has managed responsibly and trusted you enough to share.

Tell her you are mindful of how hard she and her husband have worked on excess spending and debt, and therefore want her input on this gift. Specifically, say you want to avoid putting her in a bad spot with a windfall, but you also want avoid interfering or attaching strings. Encourage her to give it some thought and come back to you with ideas, and offer her some starter ideas as well. An education account for the baby? A trust that pays out over time?

The main element of finding the “right” answer here, whatever it turns out to be, is not the money or the spending or the husband. It is your relationship with your daughter. If it is a good one, if she has shared her financial circumstances with you freely, in the spirit of openness and in trusting search of support, then you are in a position to say credibly that you are asking for her input on her behalf.

Because that is what it would be. Handing an addict a huge dose of a problematic substance has given us a rich library of outcomes to learn from. Giving your daughter a chance to act on the experiences of others instead of gaining her own the hard way is itself a sizable gift.

(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My mother gave up my half-sister at birth. I became close to my sister and her family beginning in my 30s when she found me. I'm almost 60 now. Her family was not fond of my mother, and my sister wanted to distance herself to follow her adoptive parents' wishes.

Unfortunately, my sister passed away at a young age from cancer, as did her beloved father the year before. I helped plan my sister's funeral with my brother-in-law. My brother-in-law and my sister's brother, also adopted, mentioned their displeasure with my mother for some things she did and said at the hospital. I thought pushing the idea of finding birth parents at the hospital was very insensitive at the time as well. They were offended by her (she often lacks a filter).

I asked my mother to be cautious at the funeral so as not to offend them because they were in quite a sensitive state after the loss of their sister and wife. They also don't have the same view of adoption as my mother does. My sister and her brother had recently lost both their parents, and her wishes were always to help her brother get through this loss.

My mother said how dare I mention it, that I'm a know-it-all and to have a nice life. I told her I was sorry to hurt her feelings but wanted things to be comfortable for the husband, brother and rest of the family who didn't all know about my sister's birth family.

My mother has not talked to me in eight months, nor has she shown interest in any holidays or my kids' events. I think she should've understood the sticky situation at the services and come for a visit afterward, but there's been no contact. Am I wrong? -- Torn but Thinking I Did the Right Thing

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Amy: I am an atheist and am keeping my spiritual beliefs close to my heart as they would offend most family members and friends who all, to various degrees, identify as believers (Christians or otherwise).

When a friend or a family member goes through seriously rough times or health issues (divorce, cancer etc.), and also in case of a friends' or family member's loved one's passing, I still offer up the expected "thoughts and prayers," as they don't know that I'm an atheist. I think it is the right sentiment to express support and comfort. Yet every time I write or verbally express "thoughts and prayers," I feel like a fraud. It feels completely empty to me.

In cards, I have expressed "My heart goes out to you,” "You are in my heart and in my thoughts,” "I feel your pain and wished I could lift it," etc., and these were heartfelt sentiments. Unfortunately, for me these sentiments just do not seem to have the same effect and impact as "prayers.” "Prayers" is what people seem to react to, need, and ultimately thank me for.

Should I keep offering "prayers" although ultimately it's an empty phrase to me, or express my feelings in other, more personal ways which do not mean quite as much to the concerned persons? Your point of view is greatly appreciated.

– Wondering Atheist

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