More missing missing reasons! They aren't actually missing at all!

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I am struggling with family estrangement. My daughter (40) cut off all contact about three years ago. I lost not only her but my three grandchildren (who are now 7, 10, and 20). She never told me why. Then, about a year ago, through her brother, she indicated that she was ready to re-engage. When we spoke for the first time, I offered to go with her to therapy to work through our issues. She said she didn’t want to look backwards but was willing to move forward. I was invited to my granddaughter’s tenth birthday party and was heartbroken anew when the 7-year-old did not know who I was. My daughter’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law studiously avoided me at the party (I can only imagine how she must have framed our estrangement to them, if they treated me that way).

My daughter seems to have no idea how profoundly hurt I was by the loss of her and my grandchildren and is not willing/interested/able to invest in repairing the rift. I came to uneasy terms with this loss only to have her say she was ready to move on and reconnect—and then not do it in any meaningful way. Yes, there is childhood trauma (as far back as you may care to go) and we both suffer from mental health issues. We are both actively involved in working through our own issues individually. For my part, I have acknowledged and attempted to atone for how my poor choices affected her. Now I feel like I’m stuck in a liminal state, like she’s dangling a carrot to keep me miserable. So, my question is: should I give up?

—Gram is a Four-Letter Word

( Read more... )

Social Q's: How Can I Convince My Wife That She Cheated Her Siblings?

[ermingarden]

After my wife’s mother died, we learned she had divided the value of her home and accounts equally among her three children. She made a few specific bequests of larger items. But for most of her stuff, she directed the kids to take turns choosing things for themselves. Unbeknown to any of them (including my mother-in-law, apparently), she owned an extremely valuable piece of art — probably worth more than all the specific bequests combined. My wife didn’t tell her siblings, though. She waited for her turn to choose an item, chose the picture and brought it home. I think this was terrible behavior, but my wife disagrees: She doesn’t believe she had any duty to educate her siblings about the value of anything. What do you think?
– HUSBAND

I agree with you. Technically, your wife didn’t do anything wrong here. She played her hand in strict compliance with the rules her mother laid out. But it seems clear to me that she violated the spirit of the enterprise: to divide the estate as fairly as possible among the children.

Now, you don’t mention the value of the art as a portion of the total estate, but if it’s possibly worth more than all the specific bequests combined, it may represent a big piece of the pie. It would have been fairer for your wife to ask for the art in lieu of other money (if she wanted to own the piece) or to add it to the pool of assets that will be sold and whose proceeds will be divided equally among the siblings.

It’s not too late to fix this problem. It would require only an appraisal and some accounting to correct the distributions. Encourage your wife to speak up, especially if the money would be material to her siblings. Rectifying this error would also be respectful of her late mother’s wishes. If she continues to disagree, beware of ways in which her selfishness may affect your relationship.

I’m Very Creeped Out by What My Preteen Grandchildren Still Do Together

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My granddaughter is 12-years-old and my grandson is 9-years-old.

They have slept in their parents’ bed from babyhood until now and are continuing. They also are still showering together. The parents think this is all fine. Am I wrong in being concerned?

—Creeped-Out Grandmother

( Read more... )

This column has a whole bunch of terrible parents

[conuly]

https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/02/art-math-fail-care-and-feeding.html

1. My 17-year-old daughter, “Raina,” has always been our artsy kid. She likes to draw, paint, and write fiction. When she was younger, she liked to put on elaborate theater shows for us using her sister’s Barbies. On the other hand, she hates math and anything to do with what my mom, a doctor, calls “real work.” I know that math and science aren’t for everyone, but sometimes I wish that she would just try! When she was younger, she flat-out refused to do any homework after I wouldn’t help her anymore (for reasons such as: She refused to actually try to understand the material; I had other things going on; and/or she threw fits about not wanting to work). She has been checked for a number of issues, but nothing came up. She simply does not like anything that is not art-related or hard work.

My husband and I sat down with her to talk seriously about college. We are both very well-off, and can afford to send her to college. We are not trying to force her to go; she has often expressed the desire to attend university. But when I mention degree plans and careers, Raina will say that she doesn’t want to be a doctor (because medical school sounds hard), or anything like an engineer, accountant, or IT person (because she hates math). Those feelings are valid, so I tried to think of ways to help her turn her art skills into a feasible career. Raina says that she wants to be a fiction writer, but sadly, she’s not a good storyteller. This is inspired by her sister “Dinah,” who has already written three books on Wattpad that have received much praise. Dinah is an amazing storyteller, but I also dissuaded her from choosing a writing path, as it’s hard to make it as a creative writer. I talked to Raina about the implications of choosing to major in English without dissing her skills. Then she decided that she wants to be a graphic designer. Unfortunately, her art skills aren’t anything to bang a drum about, either! I firmly believe that if she majors in art or English, she will be searching for a job alongside far more talented peers and be overlooked.

I don’t want to be the mom with a kid loafing at home who doesn’t even want to attend school or get a job. How do I talk to Raina about college and encourage her to choose a major that will actually get her through life? I just don’t want her to invest time only to fail. I also think that she will spend one second doing work and hate it. Can you advise?

— Art Is Work, Too

( Read more... )

**************

2. Dear Care and Feeding,

I’m a gay man who married the love of my life last year. No one from my family was at the wedding. I didn’t even tell them about it until after. My parents responded to my coming out, aged 14, by trying to abuse me back into the closet, in ways I won’t detail here—but it involved conversion therapy, emotional abuse, and my dad saying he would kill any boyfriend I brought home. But because relationships are complicated and in many ways they were good parents (sent me to a great school, went the extra mile taking me to sports and events I enjoyed, and paid for my college expenses even after the coming out disaster), I maintained contact with them throughout college and beyond. I just never told them about any boyfriends, and sought therapy when I could get it to help me process. They never asked about my dating life, and we could have nice conversations so long as I never brought it up.

I told them I was married in a straightforward, practicality-focused way on the phone: “I’m not going to be around for Dad’s birthday because John and I are going on our honeymoon. You might have heard from [cousin on Facebook] that I got married.” My mom went silent, started crying, then hung up. I thought she’d get in touch again acting like everything was normal and we’d never spoken about it. Instead, she and my dad sent a huge check in the mail, with a card addressed to me and John, saying it was a wedding present. They’re both suddenly acting as though they want to meet him, asking about my life in a normal way. When I asked what was going on, they responded, “We’ve realized we need to move on. We don’t want to be cut out of your life.” They have not, however, apologized, and told me not to be “small” when I tentatively mentioned that I need an apology—at least!—to actually trust them again.

The thing is, I was planning on cutting them out of my life. John and I want kids, and we’ve discussed at length the impossibility of feeling safe ever having our children around my parents. The thought of them hurting my future child like they hurt me makes me physically sick. I’d resigned myself to enjoying the last dregs of our semi-nice relationship this year, before going completely no-contact. Their new behavior has thrown me for a loop. I want to believe they’ve really changed and we could have a good relationship, but I also want to never speak again and focus on the future. It feels cruel to reject them just as they’re finally trying to make amends, but so much damage has been done that I don’t think I could ever trust them to meet John, let alone our future kids. Can you please advise me on how to handle this? How can I be the bigger person while protecting myself, my husband, and our future kids? I love my parents, but the relationship hurts so much.

— 15 Years Too Late

( Read more... )

*************************

3. Dear Care and Feeding,

My mother and I have a complicated relationship. I grew up wealthy, but to say I had a dysfunctional and abusive childhood is being generous. Out of my three siblings, I’m the only one who will even have contact with her. My husband and I have a 6-year-old now. We adore being parents and adore our child. Sadly, none of our family live close by (my husband is in the military, so we don’t have any say in where we end up!), and family visits are limited to maybe two or three a year. I grew up similarly—we always lived far away from our extended family, and I remember my mom saying how hard it was “by herself with no help”—what little she did do.

Recently, she and my stepfather made the trip to visit us for our child’s birthday (I had to remind and invite them). We held it at a local venue for kids which is my son’s favorite place in town. The next day, a mom friend who was at the party called to say her children were sick as a heads up. Our son was pretty exhausted that next day too so I said I wanted to keep an eye on him for a bit before my mother and I went to do anything away from the house. I mentioned our son might be slightly under the weather and she basically flipped out. My mother is obsessed to the point of ridiculousness with COVID—and nothing can help soothe her concerns. Like most people, my husband, son and I have been quite cautious with COVID procedures. We’re all vaccinated, boostered, avoid large gatherings, and keep up-to-date on info about recent events and new strains. However, we’ve also come to accept that proactive prevention and making informed decisions is about all we can do now.

Within 30 minutes of me mentioning some kids were feeling ill, my mom announced she and my stepdad were leaving (immediately!) to drive seven hours back to their home. Without even thinking, I blurted out, “My son may be sick, so you’re just … abandoning me and your grandkid??” She replied that she couldn’t risk getting sick. I was so upset. Respectfully, but in no uncertain terms, I told her I thought she was being extremely selfish, and I couldn’t believe she was just leaving like that. All she would say is that I didn’t respect her wishes to not get ill. Eventually I ended the conversation by saying that we weren’t going to see eye to eye, so she needed to do whatever she felt was right. They left within 20 minutes, throwing all their clothes in the car and leaving like we were lepers. My mom refused to even hug or touch my son, and my stepdad didn’t say goodbye to anyone.

I feel so conflicted. I do understand that they’re older (with no risk factors, thankfully). I understand no one wants to be sick. But, like so many times in the past, I felt so uncared for. I can’t imagine leaving my son or his children sick if I were visiting them. My mom used to complain about how hard and lonely it was “on her own” (she had my dad), but did the same to me! My son asked why Grandma didn’t want to stay and see him. It broke my heart to see history repeating itself, as I remember asking those same questions about my mother as a child.

Am I in the wrong here? Should I just have accepted her wishes and not said anything? And how do I handle this in the future? I don’t know if I’m just projecting past trauma onto current events, or if I have a right to say, well, you’re not being the greatest mom and grandma right now. Maybe I just have to accept she’s not the mother and grandmother I wish she would be, and make peace with that?

— Giving Up in Georgia

P.S. After a long morning nap, our son was perfectly fine.

( Read more... )