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More missing missing reasons! They aren't actually missing at all!
Dear Care and Feeding,
I am struggling with family estrangement. My daughter (40) cut off all contact about three years ago. I lost not only her but my three grandchildren (who are now 7, 10, and 20). She never told me why. Then, about a year ago, through her brother, she indicated that she was ready to re-engage. When we spoke for the first time, I offered to go with her to therapy to work through our issues. She said she didn’t want to look backwards but was willing to move forward. I was invited to my granddaughter’s tenth birthday party and was heartbroken anew when the 7-year-old did not know who I was. My daughter’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law studiously avoided me at the party (I can only imagine how she must have framed our estrangement to them, if they treated me that way).
My daughter seems to have no idea how profoundly hurt I was by the loss of her and my grandchildren and is not willing/interested/able to invest in repairing the rift. I came to uneasy terms with this loss only to have her say she was ready to move on and reconnect—and then not do it in any meaningful way. Yes, there is childhood trauma (as far back as you may care to go) and we both suffer from mental health issues. We are both actively involved in working through our own issues individually. For my part, I have acknowledged and attempted to atone for how my poor choices affected her. Now I feel like I’m stuck in a liminal state, like she’s dangling a carrot to keep me miserable. So, my question is: should I give up?
—Gram is a Four-Letter Word
Dear Gram,
I want to say this gently, because I can tell how much pain you’re in, and from the perspective of a mother with her own grown child, I can think of almost nothing that would be worse than her cutting off contact with me.
But. It is enormously important for you to step outside your own pain right now and consider your daughter’s, which you inflicted on her, however unintentionally. As the parent in this twosome, it’s crucial that you keep in mind that it was your responsibility to do right by her, and that your inability to do so—no matter what the circumstances were—came at great cost to her. The only way I can think of to say this (though I know it’s going to sound harsh and unfair) is that her feelings matter more than yours. Please remind yourself that she has reached out and is taking (baby) steps to include you in her life and her children’s—perhaps for her children’s sake, and perhaps for yours. You do not get to set the terms of this reconnection. You do not get to insist that the two of you do therapy together.
If you want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives going forward, you are going to have to accept that this will not happen overnight, and you will not be the one to dictate the terms of those relationships. Can you do that? If not—if you cannot get past your hurt feelings, and recognize that an olive branch has been extended (and no doubt at considerable emotional cost to your daughter)—then yes, you should “give up.” But I urge you not to. I urge you to keep your eye on the prize, and take this step by step, in whatever way your daughter is able to give it to you.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/01/terrible-behavior-mother-family-visit-holidays-advice.html
I am struggling with family estrangement. My daughter (40) cut off all contact about three years ago. I lost not only her but my three grandchildren (who are now 7, 10, and 20). She never told me why. Then, about a year ago, through her brother, she indicated that she was ready to re-engage. When we spoke for the first time, I offered to go with her to therapy to work through our issues. She said she didn’t want to look backwards but was willing to move forward. I was invited to my granddaughter’s tenth birthday party and was heartbroken anew when the 7-year-old did not know who I was. My daughter’s mother-in-law and sister-in-law studiously avoided me at the party (I can only imagine how she must have framed our estrangement to them, if they treated me that way).
My daughter seems to have no idea how profoundly hurt I was by the loss of her and my grandchildren and is not willing/interested/able to invest in repairing the rift. I came to uneasy terms with this loss only to have her say she was ready to move on and reconnect—and then not do it in any meaningful way. Yes, there is childhood trauma (as far back as you may care to go) and we both suffer from mental health issues. We are both actively involved in working through our own issues individually. For my part, I have acknowledged and attempted to atone for how my poor choices affected her. Now I feel like I’m stuck in a liminal state, like she’s dangling a carrot to keep me miserable. So, my question is: should I give up?
—Gram is a Four-Letter Word
Dear Gram,
I want to say this gently, because I can tell how much pain you’re in, and from the perspective of a mother with her own grown child, I can think of almost nothing that would be worse than her cutting off contact with me.
But. It is enormously important for you to step outside your own pain right now and consider your daughter’s, which you inflicted on her, however unintentionally. As the parent in this twosome, it’s crucial that you keep in mind that it was your responsibility to do right by her, and that your inability to do so—no matter what the circumstances were—came at great cost to her. The only way I can think of to say this (though I know it’s going to sound harsh and unfair) is that her feelings matter more than yours. Please remind yourself that she has reached out and is taking (baby) steps to include you in her life and her children’s—perhaps for her children’s sake, and perhaps for yours. You do not get to set the terms of this reconnection. You do not get to insist that the two of you do therapy together.
If you want to be a part of your grandchildren’s lives going forward, you are going to have to accept that this will not happen overnight, and you will not be the one to dictate the terms of those relationships. Can you do that? If not—if you cannot get past your hurt feelings, and recognize that an olive branch has been extended (and no doubt at considerable emotional cost to your daughter)—then yes, you should “give up.” But I urge you not to. I urge you to keep your eye on the prize, and take this step by step, in whatever way your daughter is able to give it to you.
https://slate.com/human-interest/2023/01/terrible-behavior-mother-family-visit-holidays-advice.html
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LW's daughter is reconnecting in a meaningful way, just not the way LW wants her to. I'm guessing that boundaries may be an issue with LW.
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Of course the 7 yr old doesn't know you. You should have expected that.
Your daughter's in-laws "studiously" avoided you? What about, "politely"? What about, they "wanted to focus on the birthday party instead of on you"? Why would your daughter have to have framed your estrangement to them in ANY way other than bare fact ("my mother and I aren't talking right now" for example)?
There's just this unpleasant undercurrent of blame going on underneath the whole thing that makes the skin between my shoulderblades crawl.
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Hey LW, I have cousins who are younger than I am who live in the country my parents immigrated from. Every summer they sent me back. It took about five summers for the older cousin to remember me from year to year, and about a day each time for me to win them over anyway. The seven year old is not refusing to be psychic or whatever at you, they're just a kid, and if you were more concerned with family relationships than blame, you could have charmed them in a conversation.
CW: violence against children