Social Q's: How Can I Convince My Wife That She Cheated Her Siblings?

[ermingarden]

After my wife’s mother died, we learned she had divided the value of her home and accounts equally among her three children. She made a few specific bequests of larger items. But for most of her stuff, she directed the kids to take turns choosing things for themselves. Unbeknown to any of them (including my mother-in-law, apparently), she owned an extremely valuable piece of art — probably worth more than all the specific bequests combined. My wife didn’t tell her siblings, though. She waited for her turn to choose an item, chose the picture and brought it home. I think this was terrible behavior, but my wife disagrees: She doesn’t believe she had any duty to educate her siblings about the value of anything. What do you think?
– HUSBAND

I agree with you. Technically, your wife didn’t do anything wrong here. She played her hand in strict compliance with the rules her mother laid out. But it seems clear to me that she violated the spirit of the enterprise: to divide the estate as fairly as possible among the children.

Now, you don’t mention the value of the art as a portion of the total estate, but if it’s possibly worth more than all the specific bequests combined, it may represent a big piece of the pie. It would have been fairer for your wife to ask for the art in lieu of other money (if she wanted to own the piece) or to add it to the pool of assets that will be sold and whose proceeds will be divided equally among the siblings.

It’s not too late to fix this problem. It would require only an appraisal and some accounting to correct the distributions. Encourage your wife to speak up, especially if the money would be material to her siblings. Rectifying this error would also be respectful of her late mother’s wishes. If she continues to disagree, beware of ways in which her selfishness may affect your relationship.

Comments

[ermingarden]

I think it would be acceptable, for the sake of family harmony, for LW's wife to lie to her siblings and tell them she had only just discovered the value of the painting. Especially because if telling the siblings about the painting's value also required admitting she had known before but hadn't told them, I can't imagine LW's wife ever agreeing to do it!

[ellen_fremedon]

This. It would be such an easy lie-- "I wanted to insure that lovely painting of Mom's so I had it appraised, and guess what?"

(And in fact if it is that valuable, she ought to have it appraised for insurance purposes ASAP--after which she won't be able to pretend she doesn't know.)

[conuly]

Definitely agreed, though I wouldn't even bother unless the intent is to sell the thing. If she's keeping it, then the emotional value presumably is priceless, money be damned.

[lannamichaels]

I think this is only an issue if she intends to sell the painting. If she's just keeping it, it's a keepsake like all the rest of them.

[melannen]

+1

In fact, if the painting really is that valuable, it may be impossible to "split" the value among the kids and still keep the painting in the family at all.

If your wife actually wants the painting because she likes the painting, she should keep it, but write a bequest into *her* will that its value is split among her mother's descendants.

If your wife wants to sell it and keep the money, she needs to act astonished by the amount she gets and split it evenly.

If your wife just wants to get one over on her siblings and secretly gloat about it ... well, the proper response really depends on a lot of things.

[conuly]

Agreed.

[azurelunatic]

Same

[ashbet]

Yes -- the money is only "money in theory" unless she sells it.

If she wanted the piece of art itself, she should be under no obligation to sell it and split the funds.

[minoanmiss]

To be honest, I think this depends on the siblings. I don't think this is a trick which will endanger anyone's life or home, and if for instance the wife knows the value because she's the only bookish one in her family and her siblings have been giving her shit for it her whole life, I think she's earned it. If they've all had generally good relationships all their lives she might owe them a bit more.

There's also whether or not she wants it as art to experience or to turn it into money, as commenters pointed out above.

[ayebydan]

yeah, see my comments. families are way more complex. mine sure was.

[ayebydan]

Ngl, my mum is the youngest of 3 and by a decade (gran admitted she was drunk xmas party baby after years of celibacy ooft.) When my grandparents were in nursing homes and dying I was still a teen and my aunt and uncle's kids were out of the house. They did the bare minimum in the way of visits and aid. Mum did all the legal stuff. Dealt with the money. Disabled. Worked full time. She really was full on. Heck, before gran went into a home it was me as a teen who took went and fetched her shopping list and put her prescriptions in and fetched them and ran around ragged while my cousins lived the high life 10 miles away, so totally able to help. It was my step-dad who went to the home every Saturday and had a beer with my grandad even though he really couldn't stand the man. So when they died? Hell yeah mum took the one piece of pottery worth anything in that house and kept her mouth shut. It is still sitting in our loft and waiting to be cashed out.

[ayebydan]

also mum got the 'last' parts of gran's jewellery as the younger daughter and as the younger granddaughter of the youngest daughter what I got was...worthless. And it is not ABOUT that but when it comes down to it...I did so much and had no inheritance while my cousin walks away with hundreds for what? Being spawned earlier? Rude. and when gran was dying she forgot who i was and i had to pretend to be said cousin. now THAt killed me