(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: My wife is borderline addicted to "Words With Friends" (an app game similar to Scrabble), and it's causing me concern, in addition to creating some strife within our marriage. It would be one thing if she were only playing with other female players, but she also has an ongoing game with a former male classmate, which I consider to be a form of online flirting. Would you agree, or am I overreacting?

I still work, and my wife is retired, so when I'm ready for bed because I have to get up early, she is wide-awake and ready for late-night games with friends (one in particular). I have suggested repeatedly that she go to bed when I go, but she says she isn't sleepy and is a late-night person, so she stays up until 1 or 2 a.m. playing "Words With Friends." This continues to cause disharmony in our marriage, and it's something I have a hard time accepting as permissible.

Please let me know how you and your readers feel about this issue. — Concerned Husband

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Ask Ellie: How do I win back a friend I lost because of stuff?

[cereta]

Q: I’m a man who grew up with very close buddies. At 41, I’ve had some friends for over 30 years. But recently I lost one of my longest friendships.

I hadn’t seen this guy for a couple of months. We’d had a minor incident when his daughter and mine competed over a role in a school play. I thought they’d got over it.

But when I recently saw him at a school event and greeted him heartily, he said that he’d lost his job, then turned away.

I immediately texted him that I hadn’t heard and wanted to help … e.g., through contacts I have. He didn’t respond.

I feel terribly about his silence. How do I regain our friendship?
Cut Off

A: Though you mean well, the solution must be about him, not you, especially since you didn’t recognize the impact of the schoolgirls’ disagreement.

Work your contacts privately. If you find someone who can help your friend, let that person initiate it. That’s the sincerest outreach of all. Your friendship may heal over time. Don’t push it.

(no subject)

[conuly]

I’m a white woman in middle management at a somewhat stodgy nonprofit that has been grappling with doing more to advance racial equity. I’m hiring for a relatively junior position and have put a fair amount of work into recruiting a diverse pool of candidates. It worked! The unquestionably best person for the job is a Black woman.

I’m worried that if she takes the job she’ll grow frustrated at our still not very “woke” culture and the pace of change. I know from her social media presence that she’s quite outspoken on issues of race, which I think would be great for our organization — but potentially really draining for her.

Second, I’ve struggled with the Black women I’ve collaborated closely with in the past. (I regret to say I thought of them as “difficult.”) I know now that this is a function of my own internalized racism and cultural expectations, but am unsure about what I should do differently to become a better manager and co-worker — to this woman and all the people of color I work with. How can I help her feel supported and help her to thrive, even as I know both the organization and I have lots more to do?

— Anonymous

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Last letter!

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

My brother and his daughter came to stay with me and my husband over Thanksgiving. They live a few hours away, so it’s always a joy to be able to get together again. My niece, “Ivy,” is 8, and my brother shares custody of Ivy with his ex. I know this might seem minor to some people, but I’m really irritated by a passive-aggressive comment that Ivy made about me at my house. I have a framed picture of me at my high school graduation in my living room, amongst other pictures of me and my husband. Ivy pointed to that picture before dinner and asked who that is in the picture. I explained that it was me. She then said, “Oh, you look so different there!”

I know what that means. That means, “You are old and ugly.” I graduated about twenty years ago, and it stung to have that rubbed in my face. After dinner, when my husband and I were alone, I brought up the comment and how rude and hurtful it was. My husband said that I was beautiful and not to overthink it or discuss with my brother. That being said, if she’s saying this to her own aunt, what is she saying to other people? I mentioned to my brother that I was hurt by Ivy underhandedly insulting my appearance, to which he said that he didn’t see it as an insult. He said he was going to give his daughter the benefit of the doubt. I told him that he needs to teach Ivy better manners. I just want someone to acknowledge my feelings and stop gaslighting me. I’m also worried that this passive-aggressive behavior is going to become a pattern for Ivy, and she’ll end up hurting a lot of other people around her. What else can I do to deal with this situation?

—Passive Aggressed

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Jennifer/The Captain here with a content note: This post is about professors who abused their students by creating a cult-like environment. It also contains a mention of sexual assault.

( Cut for the aforementioned content note reasons )

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