agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: My wife is borderline addicted to "Words With Friends" (an app game similar to Scrabble), and it's causing me concern, in addition to creating some strife within our marriage. It would be one thing if she were only playing with other female players, but she also has an ongoing game with a former male classmate, which I consider to be a form of online flirting. Would you agree, or am I overreacting?

I still work, and my wife is retired, so when I'm ready for bed because I have to get up early, she is wide-awake and ready for late-night games with friends (one in particular). I have suggested repeatedly that she go to bed when I go, but she says she isn't sleepy and is a late-night person, so she stays up until 1 or 2 a.m. playing "Words With Friends." This continues to cause disharmony in our marriage, and it's something I have a hard time accepting as permissible.

Please let me know how you and your readers feel about this issue. — Concerned Husband

Dear Concerned Husband: Unless she's exchanging flirty messages with this old classmate or spelling out inappropriate words on the board, I wouldn't worry about the fact that she's playing with him. There's nothing wrong with connecting with old friends to play games online. There is, however, something wrong with allowing anything to consume your life — be it alcohol, drugs, work, television or even "Words With Friends." Ask her whether she's game for a challenge: She uninstalls the app for two weeks; you commit to getting home from work on time and planning a few date nights during that period.

If she's unwilling to give up an app for two weeks for the health of her marriage, then this is a deeper problem that requires the help of a counselor.

https://www.creators.com/read/dear-annie/12/21/is-it-just-a-game-f3a9b

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I don't know, LW sounds controlling to me. Wife can't play a game without him worrying she's cheating, she can't have friends without him worrying she's cheating, she can't have her own bedtime without him worrying she's cheating.

I don't think her habits are the thing causing "strife" in this marriage.

Hint: It's not about Words With Friends.

exactly. And that's why my reaction to this was "Go to hell, Annie."

Unless she's exchanging flirty messages with this old classmate or spelling out inappropriate words on the board, I wouldn't worry about the fact that she's playing with him.

I flirt with my friends of all sexes. I have friends where we text each other eggplant emojis and kissy faces. I have friends where we text each other a lot more than that! I admit in my 20s my social circle had to navigate the weird waters of "when poly people in relationships and non-poly people in relationships joke together, the lines of what has to be explicitly called out as 'not a come on' are not what either party would expect." But by the time your wife is retired, she has figured this kind of thing out, I hope!

The fact that the husband is jealous and controlling -- of his senior citizen wife (unless she's a tech mogul) -- means everything he says about "addiction" should be taken with an entire salt mine.

And even so, "hey, Wife, let's have a no-phones-for-either-of-us date night twice a week!" is a reasonable and helpful ask. "I double dog dare you to uninstall the game you play with your friends who aren't me" is petulant at best and abusive at worst.

This guy is of the "any and all contact with The Opposite Sex is 'flirtation' (by which I mean Cheating)" persuasion. It's that "permissible" that does it for me.

She, meanwhile, is playing a cute brainteaser game, which frankly sounds like more fun than her husband.

Dude, if you want more of your wife's attention, maybe make an effort to be more interesting? Also, playing an online game with someone is hardly a torrid affair.

Or, and this is kind of radical, so stay with me: she can continue to play her game when you, LW, are asleep anyway, and the two of you can either schedule 1-2 nights a week aside for marital togetherness (in whatever form that takes) or commit to scheduling 1-2 nights a week doing something together, if only watching a tv show without any distractions. And then she can either go to sleep when you do, or perhaps come to bed to read or something.

In no event should she have to give up something she enjoys, loves, even, for two weeks just because. I hate that whole, "Oh, give up this thing that you enjoy for an arbitrary length of time because I, random person, don't love it as much as you do!" Try suggesting that someone stop reading books for a week and see how quickly the self-righteousness deflates.

Also, the one "good" thing about being disabled and not working FT anymore is THE ABILITY TO SET MY OWN HOURS.

I don't have to wake up to an alarm unless I have an unavoidable morning appointment. I can live by my normal night-person circadian rhythm, rather than constantly being exhausted from trying to go to sleep/wake up earlier than my body will cooperate with, to meet an arbitrary schedule set by morning people.

(OTOH, I do try to line up my bedtime to at least lie down and snuggle with my partner/s, even if I can't go to sleep right then. That's the one part where the wife's behavior feels rejecting.)

But since the LW sounds controlling and unpleasant as hell, I really can't blame her!

"Permissable," he says. And who, exactly, gave him the authority to permit or prohibit anything???

It's a not-terribly-subtle use of the passive voice to avoid responsibility. "I'm just talking about the generally accepted behavior standards of a marriage, not imposing my specific wishes or suggesting I have the authority to forbid my wife to do something," gender kept in because you know why.

People absolutely do get addicted to phone games, but online Scrabble isn't flirting. Wtf.

Well, TBH, the only person I ever have played Words With Friends with was someone I was intensely flirting with at the time. But, quite true - the game itself wasn't flirting, it just gave us an excuse to.

My partner gets up early to work. I am a night owl with various disabilities (including the delayed sleep phase).

We wind up going to bed at about the same time ... because I am able to play games on my phone (with the blue light filter turned way amber) until I am actually sleepy.

Words With Friends is one of the less personally interactive games one can play with friends online. It can be asynchronously played as well. Be grateful she doesn't play WoW or some other coordination-heavy, communication-heavy game. And show up for your freakin' date nights.

Like.

I don't think WWF itself, or other such games, are cheating. But *how she uses them* may be. And I mean, if she's using them enough to be verging over the line into an emotional relationship... That can be a thing.

So if you, LW, are feeling threatened by her friendships, it is actually valid to tell her you're feeling threatened. Or insecure. Or however you want to put it. Because if you, as a person with less time than her, are feeling as if you're not getting enough of her time/attention/focus, and that she is getting closer to other people than she is to you, then communicating is good.

But also, you're a jerk.