Ask Amy: Estranged dad is now angling for an intro

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My estranged father, who lives hundreds of miles away, has been in and out of my life for most of my life.

My mother detests him, for very good reason. They have a terrible past.

He has made some effort -- not great, but some -- to be more involved in my life since I was 19 years old.

I am now 37, married, and with three kiddos of my own.

I talk to my father two or three times a year on the phone. Really, it is just small talk, but the hard part is that now he wants to meet my kids.

I am not trying to hurt him and certainly never want to hurt my mother, who raised me.

I feel I am supposed to hate him for how crappy he was to me and my mother, but it is just not in me to be that way.

My mother and stepfather, who raised me, would be so hurt if I allowed him to meet my family.

The reality is that my children do not even know who he is. They don't know that he exists.

I am also not even sold on the idea that he should be able to meet my kids.

Is it worth the risk of hurting my wonderful mom and stepdad, or should I just tell him it isn't in cards.

If so, how do I say something like this?

-- Broken Home Woes

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Seeking Peace Within

[conuly]

Dear Annie: Our 48-year-old daughter decided four years ago to legally change her name and deny us as family. I am her stepmother, but she has been my daughter since she was 10 years old. My husband and I are in our late 60s and 70s, respectively.

Our daughter has had a history of obtaining wonderful jobs but then having a problem with a co-worker, which always leads her to either quit or be fired. We have tried to discuss her issues with her but to no avail.

She asked four years ago if she could come live with us and we refused. She had been on government assistance from her previous job for almost a year and had not found anything of interest to her. She felt that taking a lower-paying job -- as many of us have done to survive -- was beneath her. We agreed to help with a few hundred dollars a month for about six months but then stopped. (Neither of us has a large income as we are both retired.)

She sent virulent, hateful letters to my husband and his ex-wife (her mother) and myself, saying her father and mother abused her, and that I had no right to think of her as my daughter.

I believe she needs counseling, but she does not accept that idea. I have offered to go with her. I have sent texts every birthday and holiday stating she is always welcome at our house should she decide to come.

I miss her, and I am feeling uncertain that I made the right decision. Were we very wrong? I pray for her every week of my life and always will. -- Heartbroken Parents

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