Seeking Peace Within

[conuly]

Dear Annie: Our 48-year-old daughter decided four years ago to legally change her name and deny us as family. I am her stepmother, but she has been my daughter since she was 10 years old. My husband and I are in our late 60s and 70s, respectively.

Our daughter has had a history of obtaining wonderful jobs but then having a problem with a co-worker, which always leads her to either quit or be fired. We have tried to discuss her issues with her but to no avail.

She asked four years ago if she could come live with us and we refused. She had been on government assistance from her previous job for almost a year and had not found anything of interest to her. She felt that taking a lower-paying job -- as many of us have done to survive -- was beneath her. We agreed to help with a few hundred dollars a month for about six months but then stopped. (Neither of us has a large income as we are both retired.)

She sent virulent, hateful letters to my husband and his ex-wife (her mother) and myself, saying her father and mother abused her, and that I had no right to think of her as my daughter.

I believe she needs counseling, but she does not accept that idea. I have offered to go with her. I have sent texts every birthday and holiday stating she is always welcome at our house should she decide to come.

I miss her, and I am feeling uncertain that I made the right decision. Were we very wrong? I pray for her every week of my life and always will. -- Heartbroken Parents

Dear Heartbroken Parents: You weren't wrong. You're squarely in the right. If only that made the situation any less painful.

Your daughter appears to have some sort of mental block and does not know how to live without interpersonal conflict, as evidenced by her work history. She may have a personality disorder -- something a therapist would help diagnose and treat, should your daughter ever take your advice and see one.

I'm sorry that you and your husband are grieving this lost connection with a child, and I hope in time she seeks to mend it. In the meantime, continue to affirm to yourself that you are doing all you can. Pray for her, but also pray that you can find some acceptance of the situation.

Perhaps the most frustrating fact of life is that we cannot force our loved ones to seek help. All we can do is seek peace within ourselves and hope to lead by example.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2325519

Comments

[conuly]

I don't actually know the situation here. What I do know is this:

LW did not raise this woman from a very young age. This woman's mother is still alive and has been in contact with her daughter (and may also have been asked to lend a bed and/or money to LW's stepdaughter). LW probably didn't formally adopt this woman at any point, because she would've said.

And despite these facts, LW seems at least as upset about her stepdaughter a. changing her name and b. asking LW to refer to herself as the stepmother as she does about the "hateful" letters, the accusations of abuse, and the general poor life choices.

Which means I really, really want to see LW's stepdaughter's version of events, especially regarding those abuse allegations. LW does not look very reliable here.

[shirou]

Agreed. I'm often suspicious of LWs who leave gaping holes in their narratives.

If I were to give LW the benefit of the doubt and take this letter at face value, there's not much LW can do but try to come to terms with the reality of a sad situation. The columnist is right about that.

[conuly]

I mean, LW's probably right that her stepdaughter ought to go to therapy. Because people who were abused in childhood often benefit from having somebody to talk to.

[angelofthenorth]

Personality disorders don't often come out of nowhere (sometimes they do, but...), there's often trauma involved.

The knots around the divorce may need to be teased out a little in therapy, because my suspicion is that there's a whole lot that the LW doesn't know, or didn't want to know at the time.

[conuly]

Therapy without the stepmother.

[mommy]

There are a lot of gaps in the story here, starting with why the letter started with the stepdaughter changing her name and veering away from her family at the age of forty-four. There is a lot of background information that LW has chosen to gloss over to the point where I'm not sure what's actually going on. I do know that it's inappropriate to send routine birthday texts to someone who has clearly expressed that they want nothing to do with you, though.

[conuly]

That's possibly the least inappropriate part of all this. I'm still stuck on her insistence that she IS her stepdaughter's mother.

[lemonsharks]

LW's stepdaughter probably *could* benefit from individual counseling/therapy, and I hope it being the LW's suggestion doesn't poison it for her forever.

As for the LW herself...I feel like there's a lot she isn't saying, and I wish more advice columnists knew how to see and call out "there are important details missing from this account of events."

[conuly]

I wish more advice columnists knew how to see and call out "there are important details missing from this account of events."

You can sure say that again.

[lannamichaels]

...how sure are you that she's lying about your husband and his ex-wife abusing her?

[conuly]

Legitimately can't believe that Annie didn't ask that question, and I know that's a crap advice column most of the time.

[eva_rosen]

LW's stepdaughter should get counseling, if only because she at some point considered living with her maybe abuser(s).

[conuly]

She may not have had much choice, especially as it reads like she may need financial help as well. Naturally, of course, this reality will make many people automatically discount her allegation of abuse.

[eva_rosen]

I've had first hand experience with victims of abuse who had naturalised it to such point that the breaking point was an otherwise 'light' offense not related with the horrific things they'd endured (example: daughter sexually abused by her father accused him after years when he refused to sign a permit for a scholar trip), so I can very well believe she more or less blocked it until they refused to help her. Which, if she's now processing, can add up to the trauma and feelings of guilt for having reached to them in the first place.

[kelly_holden]

An accusation coming after a minor offence is frequently something I've seen used to dismiss allegations. There's even one over their comments, comparing their cousin to this letter writer's stepkid, and talking about how their cousin is a horrible person who is full of drama and makes terrible choices. But like, the story of their terrible cousin actually makes more sense if you assume the allegations were true, and she probably has PTSD or something, rather then just being randomly terrible.

[conuly]

Oh, yes, I saw that. "It's clear she's the one with the problems!" - honey, it's not an either/or!

[torachan]

There's so much going on here and so much left out of the letter. The LW does not come off as a reliable narrator at all.

And maybe it's just me but there are several things in here that make me wonder if the "daughter" is trans.

[mommy]

The name change and the issues with employment made me wonder if the daughter is actually a trans son.

[torachan]

Yeah, the paragraph about abuse and refusing to let the LW call them daughter could be taken that way, too.

Of course that's just one reading, but there were really a lot of things in there that could all add up to "daughter" is trans son and the parents and stepmother are transphobic.

[conuly]

That did not occur to me, but it certainly makes sense.

[heavenscalyx]

This line in particular made me twitch:
She felt that taking a lower-paying job -- as many of us have done to survive -- was beneath her.

Ooooorrrrr she works in a profession where if she takes a lower-paying job, it would compromise her ability to ever work in that profession again and she would functionally lose all her seniority. At 48, getting a job in some industries is often difficult as hell.

This kind of characterization is what really broke me on the LW having any credibility at all.