Ask Amy: Estranged dad is now angling for an intro

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My estranged father, who lives hundreds of miles away, has been in and out of my life for most of my life.

My mother detests him, for very good reason. They have a terrible past.

He has made some effort -- not great, but some -- to be more involved in my life since I was 19 years old.

I am now 37, married, and with three kiddos of my own.

I talk to my father two or three times a year on the phone. Really, it is just small talk, but the hard part is that now he wants to meet my kids.

I am not trying to hurt him and certainly never want to hurt my mother, who raised me.

I feel I am supposed to hate him for how crappy he was to me and my mother, but it is just not in me to be that way.

My mother and stepfather, who raised me, would be so hurt if I allowed him to meet my family.

The reality is that my children do not even know who he is. They don't know that he exists.

I am also not even sold on the idea that he should be able to meet my kids.

Is it worth the risk of hurting my wonderful mom and stepdad, or should I just tell him it isn't in cards.

If so, how do I say something like this?

-- Broken Home Woes

Dear Broken Home: Anyone can ask you for anything. But your father's request does not necessitate that you grant his wish.

You could say to him, "Umm, Dad, honestly, I'm not ready to open up my family to you. I'll let you know if I change my mind, but for now -- no."

Do your mother and stepfather know that you are in touch with him? Being transparent about this might help you all to get on the same page. Tell them, "You two raised me. You are my kids' grandparents. You are my family. But dad calls me two or three times a year, and I want you to know that he has been in touch. I worry that you will think I'm being disloyal by being in touch, but that is not my intention."

You are not "supposed" to hate your father -- or anyone. If your mother and stepfather imply or impose this requirement, then they are not parenting you well.

You ARE supposed to be loyal and protective toward your mother and stepfather, and your own children. Having a troublesome, crappy or toxic father dancing on the wing means that you will occasionally have to make some tough choices. When your kids are older, you should tell your own childhood story. They will learn that most families are complicated, and that you will always lean toward the people who love you the best.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/askamy/s-2325052?fs

Comments

[conuly]

I have no idea where to start with this letter other than to advise therapy for LW.

1. "They have a terrible past" could mean that Dad was mostly not around (and a crappy parent) and when he was around he and Mom fought all the time OR it could be code for "he was actually pretty abusive". No way of knowing. My gut suggests the former, because I don't think this LW, so concerned about everybody's feelings all around, would elide that little detail... but it's always possible LW doesn't know the full facts.

2. LW spends so little time on the pertinent details of how, exactly, their dad was crappy and so much time talking about how they're "supposed" to hate Dad, how it would "hurt" Mom and Stepdad so much if they allowed their kids to meet their biograndfather. If this is an accurate assessment of Mom and Stepdad and their expectations then I have to say, I'm not so sanguine about how "wonderful" they really are. If Dad wasn't abusive then they should keep their feelings out of it (except for concern for LW's emotional wellbeing), and if Dad was abusive then their focus should be on making sure LW understands the risks and that they and the grandkids are as much protected from abuse as possible. Their feelings are their business, and they should've made it clear long ago that LW is not responsible for managing those feelings.

3. Of course, it's also possible that LW is falling back on "oh, but I don't want to hurt people" to avoid making a decision that they personally are conflicted about. "I don't want to hurt Mom OR Dad" is a great excuse, really, if you don't want to actually make up your mind about anything.

4. Therapy, therapy, therapy.

[cimorene]

All of this is endorsed. A letter hiding some suspiciously glaring questions. They seem really confused about everything, since the second half of the letter comes out and says they emphatically don't want to introduce him anyway - either that's a lie prompted by all the parental pressure, or it's true and all that stuff about their mom's feelings is completely irrelevant anyway. Worrying if they don't have a firm sense that a strong personal disinclination to introduce their kids to him is all they actually need, there, and also worrying that they can't formulate a refusal.

(For that matter, a block in how to make a refusal is indicative of some kind of Bad Stuff with whoever DID parent them in their childhood.)

[lilysea]

1. "They have a terrible past" could mean that Dad was mostly not around (and a crappy parent) and when he was around he and Mom fought all the time OR it could be code for "he was actually pretty abusive". No way of knowing. My gut suggests the former, because I don't think this LW, so concerned about everybody's feelings all around, would elide that little detail... but it's always possible LW doesn't know the full facts.

It could mean

- Dad could never reliably hold down a job, so Mum always had to make ends meet

- Dad never did night time feeds or night time nappies

- Dad never did feeds or nappies full stop

- Dad slept with every woman who would have him

There are lots of ways to be a terrible partner/terrible parent that aren't abusive but that would nonethless leave the other partner feeling furious...

[melannen]

It's interesting that "they have a terrible past" doesn't place the blame in any direction - it could also be

- Mom was terribly abusive and doesn't want to confront that
- They were both addicts/alcoholics who enabled each other
- Mom slept with everyone she could
- LW had a sibling who died in some awful way they each blamed the other for
- etc

There is a lot not being said here

[starfleetbrat]

I feel like the LW left something out here. They speak to the father on the phone a few times a year but this gives the impression they don't seem to hang out at all in person. So the father wants to meet his grandkids. But... not spend time with the LW? Just seems a bit odd to me.

[jamoche]

I suspect it’s “I screwed up with that one but now I have a new chance”.

[minoanmiss]

Mmmm, Swiss cheese letters.

[conuly]

There's something about them that just appeals to me. I can't not read them, gaping in horror the whole time.