Freakin' Doyin, guys....

[conuly]

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two boys, aged 8 and 5, who have recently been introduced to nerf guns. My husband and I are not gun people, and I personally have a lot of anxiety about school shootings and sending my kids out into a world with guns. It’s important to me that they understand that guns are not toys, and I hate the idea of them having pretend wars with their friends. My cousin died by suicide when I was a teenager, and even though I know nerf guns are pretend and lots of kids have them, I can’t help but hate everything they represent. We don’t allow them in the house, but it seems like every friend of theirs has them and when we go over to play they inevitably gravitate towards them. I’m not sure what to do. It seems unreasonable to not allow them to play with certain toys at a friend’s house and I don’t know if this is a personal hang up of mine or if I have cause to be concerned. Is this something I should try to let go of, or is this something I should draw stricter boundaries around and ask their friends’ parents to put them away before we come over?

—Can’t they just play with LEGOs?

( As long as they're not calling anybody a poopyhead, it's all right )

Miss Manners or That Bad Advice?

[ysobel]

Dear Miss Manners: I have been friends with a woman for almost 15 years. We are part of a group that often gets together for game nights, and we also celebrate important days in our lives.

On her last birthday, I offered to take her out to dinner, something we have done for both of our birthdays every year. She responded by saying she wants to take a break from seeing all the people in the gaming group until further notice. Our other friends say they still see her, but she refuses to see me or respond to my texts or emails. I am confused and bewildered about why she has ended our friendship. Our other friends aren’t sure why she made this decision.

I would apologize, but don’t know what I did to create this chasm between us. After no response to two emails and a letter where I expressed a desire to talk through what is going on, I don’t know what else to do. Should I just accept the end of our friendship and move on? Even if she eventually reaches out, I am hurt and confused and not sure how to respond.

It is too soon to give up, if only because you admit the possibility that you may have done something that requires an apology. The question is, what?

Contrary to what you have been told, your other friends — at least some of them — do know what happened. They just (understandably) do not want to be put in the middle. Ask them again, one by one, until one confesses, reports your question back to your longtime friend or persuades you they truly don’t know. The most likely outcome is that you will learn something that will inform you of what to do next.