Dear Abby: We sold my homeless ex-husband a van and now he lives in it, in our driveway

[petrea_mitchell]

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband, but I’m getting tired of being a second-class citizen in my home. It started when we bought a van from a friend of mine. We talked about different things we could do with it -- fix it up a little and sell it, or use it for vacation -- but somewhere along the line it was suggested that we let my ex, “Paul,” buy it from us because he’s homeless and chooses to let everyone else take care of him.

The van is now fixed. Paul lost his job and is now living in the van -- in my driveway. The problem is, he doesn’t stay in the van. He crashes on my couch, uses my electricity, water, etc., and now eats my food. I told my husband this is not healthy for my mental well-being.

My husband and I own our own business, and Paul has now become involved in that, too. My husband says he can use the help and it gives Paul money to move. The only problem with that is my ex doesn’t use the money for bills -- he blows it on junk he doesn’t need. I’m tired of raising a 41-year-old grown man. Help! -- FED UP IN OKLAHOMA

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Ask Amy: Grandma gets steamed by snippy, self-absorbed grandchild’s response to much needed donation

[shanaqui]

Dear Amy: My 26-year-old grandchild “Sal” (and roommates) lost everything in a fire earlier this year. I reached out through Facebook to lament their loss, and many of my friends responded through donating money generously.

The (quite substantial) check was made out to me. They instructed me to handle it any way I thought best.

I contacted Sal and asked how I should get them this money. The response was that they would pick it up sometime in the future from their parents and would share it with roommates.

I know that this young adult is in dire financial straits right now, so I remarked something to the effect that I knew that Sal could probably use the money sooner rather than later.

The response from Sal was: “Please do not give me unsolicited financial advice again. I’m very busy with this gig and can’t help you to set up Venmo. If you can cash the check and give it to my parents, I’ll pick it up from them sometime in the next few weeks.”

I responded (sarcastically) that I was sorry to have offended, and that I could assure Sal that it would never happen again.

Sal responded, “Thank you!” (Obviously the sarcasm went right over their head.)

I truly don’t know what to do. I’m offended by the snippy, self-absorbed response; by the rudeness of it to anyone, particularly a grandmother.

I put the money into my savings account.

I admit I am very angry. To add insult to injury, Sal has never written one thank you email to any of my friends who donated to these funds, despite my sending along their email addresses.

Please give me some guidance here. I’m torn between family duty, and giving this young person a lesson they’ll not forget.

– Offended Gran

Dear Gran: You could play this two ways: Don’t respond at all, and don’t do anything, forcing “Sal” to contact you directly regarding the money.

The second response would be to craft a short, warmly-worded email (lose the sarcasm): “You’ve given me many moments of pride as I’ve watched you grow into an adult. This is not one of them. I know you’ve been through a lot, but there are times through life when it is vital that you remember to treat others as you would like to be treated. This IS one of them. My friends and I rallied and answered a need. When you can figure out how to respond to this generosity with gratitude, I’ll be happy to send these funds to you. I’d also be happy (with my friends’ permission) to donate it to your town’s fire and rescue squad. You decide. Love always, Gran. PS: I figured out how to use Venmo!” (It’s easy!)