Dear Abby: We sold my homeless ex-husband a van and now he lives in it, in our driveway

[petrea_mitchell]

DEAR ABBY: I love my husband, but I’m getting tired of being a second-class citizen in my home. It started when we bought a van from a friend of mine. We talked about different things we could do with it -- fix it up a little and sell it, or use it for vacation -- but somewhere along the line it was suggested that we let my ex, “Paul,” buy it from us because he’s homeless and chooses to let everyone else take care of him.

The van is now fixed. Paul lost his job and is now living in the van -- in my driveway. The problem is, he doesn’t stay in the van. He crashes on my couch, uses my electricity, water, etc., and now eats my food. I told my husband this is not healthy for my mental well-being.

My husband and I own our own business, and Paul has now become involved in that, too. My husband says he can use the help and it gives Paul money to move. The only problem with that is my ex doesn’t use the money for bills -- he blows it on junk he doesn’t need. I’m tired of raising a 41-year-old grown man. Help! -- FED UP IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR FED UP: You are not a second-class citizen. This arrangement seems crazy. Because it is interfering with your marriage, tell your husband the situation is affecting your mental health and insist upon a deadline by which Paul will be out of there. Guests, like fish, start to stink after three days, and Paul has exceeded that by far. He has a van, so whether or not he has saved enough for a place of his own, he won’t be without shelter. Your mental health is more important than your husband having an extra hand in the business.

Comments

[petrea_mitchell]

I am puzzled by how no one in this story has agency. It's as though Paul coming into the LW's home and the husband's business is just a thing that happened, like the weather, not the result of multiple adults making choices.

[castiron]

All I can figure is that LW believes she needs to defer to her husband because he's a man and her husband, and if husband wants Paul to work for the business and stay with them, what she wants doesn't matter. (And current husband certainly acts like what she wants doesn't matter, given that he's doing nothing to help get ex out of their driveway.)

[petrea_mitchell]

I also want to call out the attitudes toward homelessness here (though I am totally in agreement that LW has a right to a Paul-free home). Having the van doesn't mean "he won't be without shelter"-- most US cities have laws restricting or banning living out of a vehicle while parked on city streets, and having a spot to sleep isn't much without access to a toilet or shower.

"Chooses to let everyone take care of him" and "junk he doesn't need" sound an awful lot like someone who is struggling with some mental difficulties.

But! Again, I agree it isn't LW's responsibility to fix Paul, they have the right to get their ex out of their life, and there are likely community resources that Paul can be pointed toward.

[purlewe]

OK I feel bad for the LW but I also feel like she (and her current husband) probably have not been clear and have enabled probably some of this?

LW needs to get their husband on board or at least on the same page. LW need to give ex husband a specific timeline when he needs to be out of the driveway. If that means giving him a date and a whole bunch of community resources then that is what it takes.

Once that path is set in motion they need to both give the same clear communication until the end date.

I say this knowing it is easier said than done. But if LW doesn't want their ex in their driveway they need to take those steps, document everything, and have some backup in the form of their current husband and possibly a lawyer.

[castiron]

My brain ignited when Paul ended up on her couch and exploded at the point where Paul started working for the business that LW and her current husband own.

What is current husband's deal? I mean, it's one thing to be civil to your wife's ex; it's another thing to let him stay in your driveway, often sleeping in your house, and hire him for your business even when your wife says "um, I really don't want him here".

ETA: I am now mentally writing the screenplay where Paul and current husband finally admit their undying passion for each other, LW divorces current husband and gets the house and business, and Paul and current husband drive the van into the sunset on their way to their new life together.

[minoanmiss]

*snork*
*notes down story idea*

[cimorene]

This is a bit reminiscent of the plot of Dark Harbor, a very cheesy movie with Alan Rickman, Polly Walker as his wife, and Norman Reedus as a... I can't remember if he's homeless or what... a guy they take in on some island or something when there's a bad storm I think? Except Norman sort of slightly acts like he's seducing the wife and Alan Rickman gets jealous, but then it turns out that he tricks her into writing a weird suicide note and feeds her poisonous mushrooms and it turns out that he and Alan Rickman planned the whole thing.

[lethe1]

Hahaha!

[cereta]

See, in my movie, they're plotting her death so they can be together.

[melannen]

Yeah, my first response to this letter was "I ship it" >O