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ceretaDear Prudence,
My mom and dad were immigrants from an Eastern European country. We have never been a happy family. I believe my father was bipolar and prone to rages, and I believe that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. They had a terrible marriage, and I basically fled my hometown after I finished school. My mother never accepted the fact that I permanently moved to a different state and acted like I abandoned her.
Several years ago, my brother, who I trusted implicitly and considered one of my closest friends, stabbed me in the back quite terribly (think conduct just short of blackmail), and we had a bad falling out. My mom completely and very hurtfully took his side, and they began to triangulate against me and ostracize me from my extended family. Despite ongoing verbal and emotional abuse by them (i.e. making up lies about me, my husband, the state of our marriage, calling me names, etc.), I never cut them off because they were the gatekeepers to my father, who I loved and was dying of Alzheimer’s. During this time, I noticed my brother making odd and out of context comments about inheritance. They even accused my (well-off) husband of scheming to get their inheritance. My parents were both professionals and saved well. There’s more than enough to go around, and I found the such comments to be very disconcerting.
Last fall, my father passed away, which was very painful. My parents owned a significant amount of property in their home country. By operation of law in that country, we all—my mom, my brother, and me—inherited everything by thirds. Several weeks ago, I found out that my mom and brother tried to probate what I believe to be a phony will by my father in this foreign country! Even though my parents have been transparent about their U.S. estate plan, I have never heard of a will disposing of their foreign assets before. Based on my dad’s “will,” they asked me to sign over my inheritance share to my mother. I was ready to do that if those were my dad’s wishes but, before doing so, I asked to see the will. It was entirely in my mom’s very distinctive handwriting, and it was signed by witnesses two days after the will was signed (i.e., not witnessed at all). I started comparing the signature on the “will” to authentic signatures of my dad’s, and there are definite differences, prompting me to hire a handwriting expert. After I got an attorney involved in their home country, there were all kinds of other red flags that are too detailed to go into here. I even found out that, on my dad’s death certificate in this foreign country, my mom improperly listed herself as my dad’s only surviving heir (not true, and she was made to go back and fix it). Suffice it to say, every rock I uncover convinces me further that they prepared a fake will to steal my inheritance. Their attorney in the probate proceedings even mysteriously withdrew, even though my mom and brother were satisfied with his representation. As an attorney myself, I can tell you that this oftentimes indicates an ethical dilemma with the client.
This is criminal. I believe that my mom was trying to steal my inheritance share to give everything to my brother, or to cherry pick the best parts for him. During my dad’s decline, she redistributed their American assets to give my brother a lot more, so the writing was on the wall. I’m so hurt, betrayed, and beyond all else ANGRY. I am tempted to report them to the police, but I don’t want to send my 79-year-old widowed mother to jail (and I don’t think my father would have wanted that). I am completely done with them, and I am ready to start my life fresh without them. Am I justified to cut them both off completely? I am in disbelief as to how any mother could do this to her own daughter. I don’t see how this relationship can ever be saved, particularly once this turns into litigation in that foreign country. (And, yes, I have already been in counseling for years based on my previous childhood trauma.)
— Ain’t No Water in That Maternal Well
Dear Maternal Well,
It would appear that cutting them off is the prudent and fair thing to do. In fact, it seems like what they’ve been preparing to do with you as well. So, while you’ve given them a lot of leeway and are extending grace to your mother in the form of not prosecuting, I think you’re beyond the point of working out your disagreement in conversation. There’s a lot of premeditation in evidence here, and it’s odd and seems sinister. Unfortunately, inheritance brings out the absolute worst in many people (the letters to Dear Prudence bear that out every week), and we rarely get answers about why. I suspect that there’s a part of you that is really hungry for answers or accountability or something that will explain this betrayal. I would advise you, as best you can, to release that need. It will probably take years. But it’s possible.
Start with cutting them off. If you desire—and if it doesn’t interfere with your litigation—write them a letter simply and clearly stating your intentions to end your relationship. You don’t need to wait for a response or engage in a back and forth. You also don’t need to entertain questions or input from other family members, which you are sure to get. This is about the injury in your relationship with your mother and with your brother. No one else is involved. Again, you probably won’t get the resolution you want, but you can get some measure of peace by allowing yourself to walk away.
My mom and dad were immigrants from an Eastern European country. We have never been a happy family. I believe my father was bipolar and prone to rages, and I believe that my mom has narcissistic personality disorder. They had a terrible marriage, and I basically fled my hometown after I finished school. My mother never accepted the fact that I permanently moved to a different state and acted like I abandoned her.
Several years ago, my brother, who I trusted implicitly and considered one of my closest friends, stabbed me in the back quite terribly (think conduct just short of blackmail), and we had a bad falling out. My mom completely and very hurtfully took his side, and they began to triangulate against me and ostracize me from my extended family. Despite ongoing verbal and emotional abuse by them (i.e. making up lies about me, my husband, the state of our marriage, calling me names, etc.), I never cut them off because they were the gatekeepers to my father, who I loved and was dying of Alzheimer’s. During this time, I noticed my brother making odd and out of context comments about inheritance. They even accused my (well-off) husband of scheming to get their inheritance. My parents were both professionals and saved well. There’s more than enough to go around, and I found the such comments to be very disconcerting.
Last fall, my father passed away, which was very painful. My parents owned a significant amount of property in their home country. By operation of law in that country, we all—my mom, my brother, and me—inherited everything by thirds. Several weeks ago, I found out that my mom and brother tried to probate what I believe to be a phony will by my father in this foreign country! Even though my parents have been transparent about their U.S. estate plan, I have never heard of a will disposing of their foreign assets before. Based on my dad’s “will,” they asked me to sign over my inheritance share to my mother. I was ready to do that if those were my dad’s wishes but, before doing so, I asked to see the will. It was entirely in my mom’s very distinctive handwriting, and it was signed by witnesses two days after the will was signed (i.e., not witnessed at all). I started comparing the signature on the “will” to authentic signatures of my dad’s, and there are definite differences, prompting me to hire a handwriting expert. After I got an attorney involved in their home country, there were all kinds of other red flags that are too detailed to go into here. I even found out that, on my dad’s death certificate in this foreign country, my mom improperly listed herself as my dad’s only surviving heir (not true, and she was made to go back and fix it). Suffice it to say, every rock I uncover convinces me further that they prepared a fake will to steal my inheritance. Their attorney in the probate proceedings even mysteriously withdrew, even though my mom and brother were satisfied with his representation. As an attorney myself, I can tell you that this oftentimes indicates an ethical dilemma with the client.
This is criminal. I believe that my mom was trying to steal my inheritance share to give everything to my brother, or to cherry pick the best parts for him. During my dad’s decline, she redistributed their American assets to give my brother a lot more, so the writing was on the wall. I’m so hurt, betrayed, and beyond all else ANGRY. I am tempted to report them to the police, but I don’t want to send my 79-year-old widowed mother to jail (and I don’t think my father would have wanted that). I am completely done with them, and I am ready to start my life fresh without them. Am I justified to cut them both off completely? I am in disbelief as to how any mother could do this to her own daughter. I don’t see how this relationship can ever be saved, particularly once this turns into litigation in that foreign country. (And, yes, I have already been in counseling for years based on my previous childhood trauma.)
— Ain’t No Water in That Maternal Well
Dear Maternal Well,
It would appear that cutting them off is the prudent and fair thing to do. In fact, it seems like what they’ve been preparing to do with you as well. So, while you’ve given them a lot of leeway and are extending grace to your mother in the form of not prosecuting, I think you’re beyond the point of working out your disagreement in conversation. There’s a lot of premeditation in evidence here, and it’s odd and seems sinister. Unfortunately, inheritance brings out the absolute worst in many people (the letters to Dear Prudence bear that out every week), and we rarely get answers about why. I suspect that there’s a part of you that is really hungry for answers or accountability or something that will explain this betrayal. I would advise you, as best you can, to release that need. It will probably take years. But it’s possible.
Start with cutting them off. If you desire—and if it doesn’t interfere with your litigation—write them a letter simply and clearly stating your intentions to end your relationship. You don’t need to wait for a response or engage in a back and forth. You also don’t need to entertain questions or input from other family members, which you are sure to get. This is about the injury in your relationship with your mother and with your brother. No one else is involved. Again, you probably won’t get the resolution you want, but you can get some measure of peace by allowing yourself to walk away.
