(no subject)

[conuly]

Q. Conflicted Christmas: My daughter and I are estranged, but up until now, l have managed to keep up a relationship with my grandchildren (ages 10, 14, 16). A month ago, my 16-year-old granddaughter stopped speaking to me over a misunderstanding, which she refuses to even talk about. I’ve reached out to her several times but she refuses to even acknowledge me. I’m disappointed and sad that she seems to be following in her mom’s footsteps. I still communicate with the other two grandchildren who tell me they love me, etc.

My question is regarding Christmas. I would like to give the younger ones gifts, but I’m not sure what to do about the one not speaking to me. On one hand, l feel that she certainly doesn’t deserve my consideration, and at 16, she’s old enough to learn that her actions have consequences. And if l send a gift, I’m teaching her that she can continue to take me for granted. On the other hand, it’s Christmas and she’s still a child trying to deal with her extremely dysfunctional mother, and l should give in in the spirit of the season and to let her know l still love her. I also don’t want to appear manipulative by giving to her siblings and “punishing” her. Advice?

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Annie: I am sibling No. 3 out of four. I am estranged from Nos. 2 and 4. This was my choice, and a wise decision. They are manipulative bullies, and after years of trying to have a relationship with them, I finally gave up. My younger sibling tried to manipulate me with a fake suicide threat because I would not give in to her demands. My older brother is an emotionally unavailable bully who has taken advantage of my father by using his credit cards and then not paying him back. I have tried to address these issues, but they always turn the table and tell me that I am the problem.

Dad turns 90 next summer, and my oldest sibling wants us to fly home (COVID-19 permitting) to have a dinner celebration at a restaurant. Annie, I don't want to go. I cannot bring myself to sit across the table from these two. I refuse to fake it or pretend that everything is fine.

If I do this, I will be resentful toward myself. I am not willing, not even for Dad. I am planning to fly later in the month to take Dad and my stepmother out to dinner. We get along really well. They are aware of the estrangement and have remained neutral, which is good. Do you have any other suggestions? -- Sibling 3 Has Left the Building

( Oh, Annie, no! )