agonyaunt | (no subject)

Dear Annie: I am sibling No. 3 out of four. I am estranged from Nos. 2 and 4. This was my choice, and a wise decision. They are manipulative bullies, and after years of trying to have a relationship with them, I finally gave up. My younger sibling tried to manipulate me with a fake suicide threat because I would not give in to her demands. My older brother is an emotionally unavailable bully who has taken advantage of my father by using his credit cards and then not paying him back. I have tried to address these issues, but they always turn the table and tell me that I am the problem.

Dad turns 90 next summer, and my oldest sibling wants us to fly home (COVID-19 permitting) to have a dinner celebration at a restaurant. Annie, I don't want to go. I cannot bring myself to sit across the table from these two. I refuse to fake it or pretend that everything is fine.

If I do this, I will be resentful toward myself. I am not willing, not even for Dad. I am planning to fly later in the month to take Dad and my stepmother out to dinner. We get along really well. They are aware of the estrangement and have remained neutral, which is good. Do you have any other suggestions? -- Sibling 3 Has Left the Building

Dear Sibling 3: It sounds like there's a great deal of hurt, anger and miscommunication here. A suicide threat is never something to dismiss as just being manipulative. It is often a cry for help (which I'm hoping she received from a professional). As far as your older brother being emotionally unavailable and taking advantage of your father, he can't be a very happy person.

But on your point that every conversation ends with the tables being turned on you, this might be an indication of things you have to work on as well. Relationships are two-way streets, and rarely is one person completely at fault. Be introspective and see if you can find forgiveness in your heart for them, at least so you can go to your dad's 90th birthday.

You don't have to sit at their table, and remember, it's not a birthday about you; it's for your father, and my guess is that nothing would make him happier than having all of his children in attendance.

https://www.arcamax.com/healthandspirit/lifeadvice/dearannie/s-2445462

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God, almost any advice would be better than this.

1. Though I agree that suicide threats should be taken seriously, it's not completely unheard of for toxic people to make threats they have no intention of carrying out in order to manipulate their victims. The easiest way to handle this is probably to let emergency services deal with it.

2. Older brother might, in fact, be a very unhappy person. He's probably sobbing all the way to the bank. None of this is LW's concern unless LW is both willing and able to wrangle financial control from him and the parents. Somebody probably ought to do that. LW might not have the spoons - and honestly, 50% of the children being evil makes me wonder about the parenting in that family and how much obligation LW really has towards them.

3. Dad and Stepmom apparently don't mind that LW is going out later, so LW should stick to that plan. Big Bro definitely knows why LW isn't showing up.

4. It does sound like LW has a tinge of unfinished business here, hence this letter. Letters are cheap, but therapy might help more. Forgiveness is an illusion, but if LW wants to forgive their siblings, without asking them to show any remorse or change their behavior in the slightest, that's their business. Forgive, never forget - and in order to keep the forgiveness fresh, don't spend extra time in their presence.

TW: fake suicide and self-harm threats

I was emotionally abused by two separate fake suicide threateners, one in high school, and one in college. The fact that suicide threats should be taken seriously is why it's effective abuse, because everything in you tells you that you have to cave to every demand from the abuser, night after night after night. Eventually, you can't even let emergency services deal with it; when it becomes a form of ongoing abuse, there really is no recourse but recognizing it and ignoring the threats -- which, at least in my case, breaks something in the abused person. Getting in a mindset where you can say to a person "okay, you just do that then, buh-bye" fucks you up but good. But you have to, and I trust LW knows better than Annie if it wasn't real.

hold on. okay. so the siblings are talking about flying in. during a pandemic. and seeing a 90 year old relative???? Maybe they're hoping we'll have a readily available to the general public vaccine by the summer, but I feel like that's a relatively ambitious timeline.

also, of course, the advice is terrible. as per usual.

I can't figure out how to block that icon or even stop it from moving. Any advice?

I never thought about how my icon might affect others. I have changed it.

Thank you!

No problem! change is good :)

Thank you! ^_^

That icon was a potential migraine trigger for me due to the flashing/strobing type effect, and I had to block it by hand using adblocker on every single comment you made.

So I'm very grateful! ^_^

Oh wow. I'm super sorry to hear this, but I'm glad its resolved now, at least. :)

Depending on your browser, there are extensions that block animated gifs from moving. I believe some mobile browsers can do the same with data saving settings.

Thanks. I thought I had solved the problem, but then firefox updated. (I wasn't sure if it was a new kind of animation.)

I have animated gifs disabled which stops animated userpics, too. These instructions for Chrome and Firefox. are how I do it in Firefox; I don't know if they work in Chrome. (Of course, they also disable other animated gifs, which means I sometimes am confused by giphy reactions, but animations are hard on my brain, so I don't mind.)

(Oh, sorry, I should have read the rest of the thread before I replied! I see you're on it.)

Edited (markup) 2020-12-04 04:26 (UTC)

WTF. LW is doing everything just right. As long as Dad is happy with a dinner later nothing else matters. What a damn shame Annie might have this person second guessing.

Oh fuck off, Annie.

LW: I am my parents' only child. I'm voluntarily estranged from them. I didn't go to my father's 70th birthday party. The world did not end.

LW: You're doing just fine. Though therapy to talk through some of this would be a good option.

Annie : No. You don't go to couples counseling with an abuser.

Why, WHY would you write to Annie "do couples counseling with your abuser"? Anyone else, even Abby, would have been better.

COVID permitting, I'd go earlier, not later. I wouldn't delay anything involving a person of that age unless it was really, really necessary, because you don't know if they'll be there.