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Q. Conflicted Christmas: My daughter and I are estranged, but up until now, l have managed to keep up a relationship with my grandchildren (ages 10, 14, 16). A month ago, my 16-year-old granddaughter stopped speaking to me over a misunderstanding, which she refuses to even talk about. I’ve reached out to her several times but she refuses to even acknowledge me. I’m disappointed and sad that she seems to be following in her mom’s footsteps. I still communicate with the other two grandchildren who tell me they love me, etc.
My question is regarding Christmas. I would like to give the younger ones gifts, but I’m not sure what to do about the one not speaking to me. On one hand, l feel that she certainly doesn’t deserve my consideration, and at 16, she’s old enough to learn that her actions have consequences. And if l send a gift, I’m teaching her that she can continue to take me for granted. On the other hand, it’s Christmas and she’s still a child trying to deal with her extremely dysfunctional mother, and l should give in in the spirit of the season and to let her know l still love her. I also don’t want to appear manipulative by giving to her siblings and “punishing” her. Advice?
A: My kingdom for details on this “misunderstanding”! I think you’re right not to want to look like you’re punishing your granddaughter for behaving (or misbehaving, as the case may be—sure wish I knew those details!) like a teenager. So … don’t punish her! This includes not saying things like “you don’t deserve my consideration” when she gets angry with you or stops talking to you, even if you don’t think her reason for not wanting to talk to you is good enough. Whatever that reason may be, it’s clearly pretty important to her—I’m inclined to doubt she would characterize this conflict as “My grandmother and I had a misunderstanding, so I’ve decided never to talk to her again,” so I’d encourage you to rethink how you describe this situation. You might try on “Once my relatives are old enough to make such decisions for themselves, a lot of them choose to stop talking to me, while on my part I remain purposely vague on what led up to those choices” instead of “My daughter is estranged from me for [reason not given], and her eldest child is mysteriously choosing to follow in her footsteps over a vague misunderstanding.”
In the short term: Why not send over a gift the whole family can use, like a gift certificate or a dessert tray (or Google “gifts for the whole family” and scroll through the results until you find something that seems affordable and applicable)?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/11/i-hate-my-wifes-cooking-dear-prudence-advice.html
From downthread:
Q. Re: Conflicted Christmas: As someone estranged from a parent who for a long time persisted in calling, emailing, and sending me packages even after I cut ties, I would just point out that receiving gifts from people you have expressed a desire to not hear from can be very triggering and painful. I think if the younger grandkids express positive appreciation of the contact with the grandmom, she can continue sending them gifts, but she should respect the need for space that her daughter and granddaughter have expressed.
A: That’s a good point, and one I hadn’t considered in my original answer. I’m not sure I trust the letter writer’s ability to accurately review her own behavior, but if she has a history of either withholding or strategically choosing gifts in order to extract compliance or agreement from her relatives, it might be better to not send her eldest granddaughter a gift at all.
My question is regarding Christmas. I would like to give the younger ones gifts, but I’m not sure what to do about the one not speaking to me. On one hand, l feel that she certainly doesn’t deserve my consideration, and at 16, she’s old enough to learn that her actions have consequences. And if l send a gift, I’m teaching her that she can continue to take me for granted. On the other hand, it’s Christmas and she’s still a child trying to deal with her extremely dysfunctional mother, and l should give in in the spirit of the season and to let her know l still love her. I also don’t want to appear manipulative by giving to her siblings and “punishing” her. Advice?
A: My kingdom for details on this “misunderstanding”! I think you’re right not to want to look like you’re punishing your granddaughter for behaving (or misbehaving, as the case may be—sure wish I knew those details!) like a teenager. So … don’t punish her! This includes not saying things like “you don’t deserve my consideration” when she gets angry with you or stops talking to you, even if you don’t think her reason for not wanting to talk to you is good enough. Whatever that reason may be, it’s clearly pretty important to her—I’m inclined to doubt she would characterize this conflict as “My grandmother and I had a misunderstanding, so I’ve decided never to talk to her again,” so I’d encourage you to rethink how you describe this situation. You might try on “Once my relatives are old enough to make such decisions for themselves, a lot of them choose to stop talking to me, while on my part I remain purposely vague on what led up to those choices” instead of “My daughter is estranged from me for [reason not given], and her eldest child is mysteriously choosing to follow in her footsteps over a vague misunderstanding.”
In the short term: Why not send over a gift the whole family can use, like a gift certificate or a dessert tray (or Google “gifts for the whole family” and scroll through the results until you find something that seems affordable and applicable)?
https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/11/i-hate-my-wifes-cooking-dear-prudence-advice.html
From downthread:
Q. Re: Conflicted Christmas: As someone estranged from a parent who for a long time persisted in calling, emailing, and sending me packages even after I cut ties, I would just point out that receiving gifts from people you have expressed a desire to not hear from can be very triggering and painful. I think if the younger grandkids express positive appreciation of the contact with the grandmom, she can continue sending them gifts, but she should respect the need for space that her daughter and granddaughter have expressed.
A: That’s a good point, and one I hadn’t considered in my original answer. I’m not sure I trust the letter writer’s ability to accurately review her own behavior, but if she has a history of either withholding or strategically choosing gifts in order to extract compliance or agreement from her relatives, it might be better to not send her eldest granddaughter a gift at all.