Aug. 15th, 2020

ashbet: (Squeeface)
[personal profile] ashbet
Dear Care and Feeding,

I occasionally give my two grandsons money, maybe a $20 bill, but not every time I see them. Lately, I have been thinking about whether I may be practicing intermittent reinforcement with them, which I don’t see as a good thing. They may be wondering every time they see me if I am going to give them money, and be disappointed when I don’t. Do you think I should stop giving them money, give them some each time, or what?

—Doting Grandmother


Dear DG,

You may be worried you have accidentally created that experiment where the rats push the lever and get cocaine. For the uninitiated: One group of rats get cocaine whenever they push the lever, and therefore quit trying almost immediately after the cocaine stops coming. One group gets cocaine every second or third time, so it takes them longer to give up when they shut off the cocaine. The unfortunate rats, in the final group, get cocaine randomly and will never, ever stop hitting that pedal in case the cocaine is coming back. Don’t do cocaine, everyone.

You are not creating cocaine rats. You are just sometimes giving your grandchildren 20 bucks. I think that’s a fun surprise! Now, if you notice them looking sad or disappointed when they don’t get money, I would switch to a “holidays only” system and be really open-minded about what constitutes a holiday: “Arbor Day!” (palms them a 20 each) “Linus Pauling Day!” “National Library Workers’ Day!” But, honestly, if they seem jazzed and appreciative of the money and don’t pout when you don’t give them money, just stay the course.
likeaduck: Cristina from Grey's Anatomy runs towards the hospital as dawn breaks, carrying her motorcycle helmet. (Default)
[personal profile] likeaduck
Dear Care and Feeding,
 
My 2½-year-old has been going to day care/preschool since he was 3 months old. I have a career in higher education, and we cannot afford for me to stay home. (I’m also just not inclined to do so, if I’m being honest.) He goes to a wonderful preschool right now with a very engaging and structured curriculum, and he seems to be thriving. He’s learned an enormous amount in the six months he’s been there and has matured a lot, and every time I pick him up, he’s had a great time and tells me all about his day. His teachers are attentive and caring, we do parent-teacher “conferences” every six months to talk about his development, and we’ve been very happy with the decision to send him there.
 
My problem is that every morning, he complains about going and says he wants to stay home. He doesn’t cry, but he whines a lot and swings wildly between being upset that we’re going to school and seeming legitimately excited about the prospect. On mornings when he’s particularly difficult about it, I feel guilty for sending him. Some days I have even called out of work to stay home with him; he loves that for a few hours and then is promptly bored.
 
Is this normal? Does my child hate school, or does he just hate getting out of the house?
 
—Working Mom Guilt
 
Dear Guilty Working Mom,
 
It’s normal. He’s fine. If he’s coming home happy and thriving, all is well.
 
Don’t let him con you into taking days off unless you genuinely long to spend the day with him and have made plans accordingly in advance. What I think you’ve accidentally done by periodically letting him whine his way into keeping you with him is re-create those lab experiments where the rats get cocaine by pressing a little pedal.
 
If the rats get cocaine each time they press the pedal, and then the researcher turns off the cocaine, the rats figure it out quickly and stop trying. If the rats only occasionally get cocaine by pressing the pedal, why, they’ll keep trying a lot longer. Your son is an adorable, precious rat, the cocaine is you staying home with him, and the pedal is begging you to not make him go to school.
 
I think you have a lovely and normal toddler on your hands. To shake up the situation, I recommend reshuffling the morning routine a bit. See if that helps.

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