Ask Amy: Wife is jealous of husband’s ‘other mother’

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for four years.

He was previously married for 10 years (no children).

My husband continues a friendship with his former mother-in-law. He doesn’t hide it, but the minute he mentions talking to her, I just want to explode.

He assures me he doesn’t have any communication with his ex-wife, but he cherishes the relationship he has with her mother because she was very good to him when he was married to her daughter.

My husband doesn’t have any family here — only mine — but he doesn’t try to have a close relationship with MY mother. He is good to my mom and we go to see her every weekend, but he doesn’t call her to check up on her. Why does he try to keep the relationship with his mother-in-law alive when he doesn’t try with my mother?

I believe that once a relationship ends, we should distance ourselves from our past. I mean, if we run into her somewhere it’s OK to say hi, but I can’t handle him calling her to check in.

I can’t make my husband do what I say, but this bothers me! I check his phone like a spy, to see if he has called her. I wouldn’t like him to do that to me.

I am 41 years old. I want to be very mature about this. — Frustrated

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Dear Prudence: #Ownvoices vs. privacy

[lemonsharks]

Q. #Ownvoices vs. privacy: I’ve wanted to publish a book for a long time, and I’ve recently signed with an agent. I’m queer, and so is the main character in my YA novel. However, as I prepare to go submit to publishers, I’m dreading the inevitable question of whether the character is #ownvoices. I know it’s important that editors make sure they’re publishing writers who are speaking from their own experiences when it comes to marginalized identities, but this isn’t something I especially want to tell them about myself. I’m out to my friends and family but don’t consider it anyone’s business in my professional life. I also don’t want to put queerness at the center of my “brand” as an author; I want my future books to have queer representation, but I want people to read them because the writing is good, not because the writer is queer. That said, I know it’s a privilege to be able to choose whether or not to come out. I also don’t want to hide my identity. I certainly don’t want to lie or push away potential readers—especially young readers—who are actively seeking out queer novels by queer writers. In the near future, I’m expecting to be asked outright about this. I’ve already been asked by an agent, although not the one I signed with; I told the truth but didn’t feel comfortable with the conversation. I know this will become even more of a thing after I’m published (if that happens). How can I balance #ownvoices with privacy?

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