Entries tagged with dating

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Short and ... uh ... well, short

Dear Miss Manners: Is there a proper way to let someone know of my feelings for them? Does a proper courtship have to, at least initially, be hinted at and read between the lines?

Despite the appeal of love at first sight, Miss Manners would think that a declaration of love would be more flattering when you have gotten to know something about the person.

But this is not the Lovelorn Department, so she consulted her dear friend Stendhal, who declares in his book “On Love” that it is doubt that fuels love — and certainty that cools it.

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Dear Prudence: Mentioning the Stalker

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Well, this is at least a bit, er, unusual

I am falling for an amazing woman who is a flat-earther. Can I reconcile my diminishing respect?

I am a divorced man, raising two sons alone and getting back into the dating world at 43 years old. I am a few months into dating this absolutely amazing woman and I’ve enjoyed it very much. She seems to be the total package in many, many ways! She is kind, thoughtful, empathetic, soft, genuine, intuitive, honest and many more beautiful characteristics. I truly am falling for her and I feel we could have a long, beautiful future, but I just recently found out she is a flat-earther. I was absolutely shocked. At first, I thought she was kidding. After some discussion, she deeply believes flat earth conspiracies, suggests that I’m just following what I’ve been told, and does not seem very receptive to learning more about it.

I cannot eloquently explain how disappointed I am, or why! It defies all logic, observable facts, and is absolutely absurd. I feel like I’ve lost so much respect for her and I cannot seem to reconcile that feeling with how I care about everything else she is. And to make matters worse, she is teaching her kids to believe the same thing. I am a very mathematical and science-oriented man and I could even sit her down and show her some basic maths, but I doubt that would go well!

How should I handle this? She seems annoyed when I bring it up, and I probably didn’t handle it very well at first. I seriously care for her but I also am struggling with respecting anyone who believes such a nonsense conspiracy theory they learned about on YouTube. Please help!

( Eleanor says: actually not run like hell, what? )

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WTF did I just read?

Dear Carolyn: Ever since we started dating, our parents have been very opinionated about what the people my brother and I date should look like. They’ve completely alienated my brother and his wife because they were so vocal about her being all wrong for him. They wanted him to marry a petite woman because he is short, and they insisted he didn’t “look right” with a tall woman. But my brother loves tall, curvy women, and he married one. They were distraught, as if he married an ax murderer or something. She is an awesome person. They came around, but my sister-in-law never warmed to them.

They insist my boyfriends must be tall and blond with blue eyes because I am tall and blond, and that way we would look right together, and so would our children. They hate my not-tall, Greek-immigrant boyfriend. We are getting engaged soon, and I just know they will carry on like they did when my brother got engaged.
Other than this quirk, they’re not bad people. Any ideas how I can head them off?
— Anonymous

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Miss Manners: Remote work has destroyed my dating life

Actual headline: Work-from-home employee mourns missed chances to meet women

Dear Miss Manners: You’ve always advised against mixing social life with work, although I’m not sure why. And now I read that the generation entering the workforce agrees with you, and is not particularly interested in having work friends.

Hey, I miss my office friends now that we're working from home! Work was also where I met women. I met my ex-wife at a previous job. (Sure, we all know you're not supposed to date at the office, but we all do.)

I like my job, but the higher-ups are okay with people coming in just once or twice a week. So when people do come in, they need to spend the time looking like they’re really working, if you know what I mean, and not being friendly like we used to.

Frankly, I'm lonely a lot of time, and I bet I'm not the only one. I tried going to coffee shops where people work during the day, but they're all pounding away on their laptops or yapping on the phone. I can't just break in and get acquainted.

What do you suggest? I’m tired of having only virtual “friends,” who are probably not even who they say they are.

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(no subject)

Dear Captain,

Like 12 years ago, I (she/her) met a guy (he/him) online dating. He was perfect on paper and I felt sparks, which isn’t very common for me. Due to some mental health stuff he was very open about, he was super flaky. We’d get together a few times, then he would disappear for months. We ended up in that cycle for a while – having a great time for a bit before extended periods of silence. He was always kind, gentle, and non-judgmental and was doing his best. I ended up feeling very strongly connected to him, in a way that I haven’t with most other people.

In late 2015, he discovered that a) a different mental health diagnosis better fit his symptoms, and b) he had late-stage cancer and would be starting aggressive treatment. Things were not smooth sailing, cancer-wise. In summer 2016, he got in touch late in the evening and said he needed some support. I headed over to his neighbourhood and we went for a walk and talked for hours. Things got deep and we both shared a lot. There was some vodka (both of us) and some drugs (him) involved. He was waiting for some test results and expected them to be bad. We ended up in a small park in the middle of the night and things got a bit mutually flirty. And then the heavens opened up and we were caught in a sudden, intense rainstorm. Captain, it was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me. Anyway, we both (him first) expressed interest in touching, made out under a bridge, then went back to his place and naked fun ensued.

A day or two later, I invited him to mine for more no-strings-attached fun. (Bad idea, since I had caught feelings). He enthusiastically agreed, but cancelled before we met up, saying he wasn’t really up to being around people. I assumed he got the test results back and his fears had been confirmed. This time, the silence lasted over three years. I reached out every few months, but never got a response. It broke my heart. I started to wonder if he had cared about me at all. So I stopped reaching out and put him out of my mind. About a year ago, I looked online to see if he was even still alive. I found an obituary, but it was for his girlfriend, who had died unexpectedly a few months prior. I left that man alone.

Then a few days ago, after a tough few weeks – and a dream in which I hit it off with, then got ghosted by Jason Mantzoukas – I was cycling past where he used to live, and got all up in my feelings. I went back to that park, cried, and sat on the grass until my foot got numb and it started to get cold. There’s not much to find online, but I don’t see an obituary. I found a picture that I think is relatively recent and he looks good. Like, lookin’ good, but also looking healthy.

So. Where does casually* reaching out fall on a scale from 1 to This is Bad News Bears and Everyone Knows It But Me? *Saying I was randomly thinking about him recently and asking how he’s doing. No Feelingsbombs.

I know that, usually, when someone stops talking to you, they don’t want to. Is it worth considering he might be too embarrassed about how things went down to reach out? Is there a legitimate possibility that things could be different now, if he is cancer-free and his mental health is mostly under control? Or am I deluding myself because of strong feelings and an idealized relationship that I’ve imagined?

Unbreak My Heart

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Current Mood: thoughtful

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Ask Kai: blocked and accused of boundary-crossing

An advice column we haven't seen much yet. Kai Cheng Thom at Xtra: (the actual title is an essay so I abbreviated it) I I sent some (fully dressed) selfies to a prospective date and they blocked me. What am I missing?"

( CN: mention of transphobia, mention of sexual harassment. Also long answer is long. )

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Dear Prudence: Dating With a Kid

Dear Prudence,

My ex-wife and I divorced a couple of years ago, and I think we do a good job of co-parenting our middle-school-aged daughter. We each have her half the time, we get along well, and our daughter sees us communicating and co-parenting much better than we did when we were married. My ex-wife has been dating someone and they will soon marry; I like him, and he’s kind to my daughter.
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Current Mood: dissatisfied

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Dear Prudence: My Fatphobic Ex is Now a Public Guru

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Current Mood: amused

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Dear Prudence: Help! A Woman Broke Up With Me the Moment She Saw My Apartment.

She said she wanted authenticity, but I guess she didn’t like it.

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Current Mood: curious

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Dear Prudence: Two on Child Custody

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surprisingly good relationship advice from Harriete

DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been with my girlfriend for almost a year now. She recently told me that she still has a lot of the gifts that an ex-boyfriend gave her.

I got a lot of pushback from her when I told her that it made me uncomfortable that she still has the gifts. I think that her unwillingness to part with them may signify an emotional attachment to the items — and thus an emotional attachment to the person who gave them to her.

Could I be overthinking this?

- Throw Them Out

DEAR THROW THEM OUT: Start by assessing what the gifts are.

I wouldn’t automatically say that your girlfriend is holding on to old feelings about her ex because she has some stuff he gave her. It could simply be that she likes the things.

Ask her and listen to what she has to say. I would be worried if she seems to go down memory lane when she speaks of her ex or of the items in question.

The reality is that if you date someone who previously was with someone else, it is likely that the person may have items from the ex. Even more, there surely are memories of their times together. You may want to know a bit about what she liked about this person, how they spent their time and why they broke up.

Rather than automatically wanting her to expunge any memory of him from her life, learn about her past. Allow her to learn about yours as well, and see where this path of mutual discovery leads you.

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Miss Manners: First Date on His Birthday

Dear Miss Manners: I have a date with a guy I met three years ago. We have communicated on and off, and now he is coming to town and has asked me out. The date is on his birthday, and I don’t know whether I should do something for him!

Asking someone for a first — or first-in-a-while — date on one’s birthday is like bringing along your parents: It skips necessary steps on the way to developing a relationship.

For that reason, Miss Manners would have changed the day, had she known. Because it is too late for that, you should bring a token gift — inexpensive and lighthearted — while he should insist that he has never attached much importance to the day — which is not really plausible, because he must have been the one who told you.

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Ask Amy: this calls for fake dating

Ask Amy: Happily single woman dreading wedding where family will try to set her up

Dear Amy: I am a (usually content) single 30-year-old woman.

My mother is getting married in two months.

She has already tried to set me up with her fiancee’s nephew (um, no), as well as a former employee (good guy but not for me).

Now her fiancé has decided that the wedding is the perfect time to introduce me to all his single co-workers (no, just no).

Add in all the well-meaning aunties asking me when I’m going to find a “nice man and settle down.”

I’ve started to dread this day.

My solution? Take my own date.

There will be no awkward set-ups if I already have a date. I’ll still have to field inappropriate questions from the aunties, but at least I wouldn’t have to face them alone.

Four months ago, I signed up for a dating app and have since been reminded why I’m happily single.

With the wedding only two months away, do I admit defeat and go solo?

I also feel that this wedding is not the best time for any prospective match to “meet the parents.”

Your ideas?

– Destined to be Dateless

Dear Dateless: I have a dim memory of seeing this basic plot in a Debra Messing movie … what was it called? Oh yes – (checks Wikipedia) – the “Wedding Date”. Debra Messing’s character hires a male escort to be her wedding date.

Hilarity ensues. Love blooms.

The obvious solution – at least to me – is for you to bring a (male or female) friend as your date, with the expressed intent that this person should serve as your wing-person. Their role would be to ward off random singletons, and if necessary, to use a serving platter from the buffet table as a shield to protect you from nosey aunties.

No matter what – keep a sense of humor about this annoyance. Having people try to set you up may make you feel as if you are somehow inadequate as you are (you’re not), but the intent is usually benign: People who equate happiness with being coupled-up think you’re wonderful.

Your problem contains the foundation for a pretty solid romantic comedy, so after the wedding is over, you might want to write it up.

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Ask Amy: Is There Someone Else?

Dear Amy: I’ve been off and on with a guy for 21 years. I love him, but I’ve never met his family or friends. I’m never invited to his home, but he comes to mine (off and on).

I’ve tried to break it off with him several times.

I’m getting older (we are both 54), and he still does not want to commit. When I don’t hear from him, it hurts me to think he’s with someone else. I’m sure he has someone else in his life.

I think sometimes I’m losing my mind, especially when I’m with him. How do I get over him and move on? –Heartbroken

Heartbroken: You can be sure that this man has other people — probably several other people (including, possibly, wives and children).

I’m so sorry you are locked into this unhealthy relationship. It obviously makes you miserable.

You already know what you need to do, and that is to leave it completely. Break up, cut off and block all contact.

This will be like giving up nicotine or alcohol. You should ask a close friend or family member to help you through this, to hold your hand and offer you support during those times when you’re feeling down. Counseling would also help.

You were trained to tolerate this by a manipulator. In order to take your power back, you will have to retrain yourself to get away, and stay away.