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conuly1. Dear Prudence,
My sister is three years younger than me and has crippling anxiety. She will not dip a toe out of her comfort zone, which is basically just our family. She has zero friends besides me. My male cousins were able to get out of babysitting her by the time they were in middle school. I was stuck until high school graduation. I couldn’t have friends over and not include her. I couldn’t go out with friends and not include her. My parents forced me to rearrange my lunches in high school when she started so she wouldn’t be alone. I went into 4H because my sister has an intense fear of animals and birds (she will have a panic attack if a chicken wanders up near her). Supposedly, she was in therapy and on medication, but she only got worse as she got older. She threw a fit when I went to community college near a relative rather than stay here. My parents threatened to not help me pay and only backed down after my grandmother got involved.
Now, I am 23 and in a serious relationship. My sister managed to graduate high school but she has never had a job and going to community college is too “hard.” I brought my boyfriend home for the first time, and my sister acted like a jealous ex. She wanted to be velcroed to my side and hated if my boyfriend even touched me. She cut him off in conversation and even told him to shut up when someone asked about our future plans. I finally pulled my sister aside and told to stop acting creepy and needy or we would be leaving. She had a very public fit, so we left. My parents are furious and accused me of deliberately triggering my sister. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know if I should cut my immediate family off. My sister is an adult even if she is dysfunctional. My parents refuse to hold her to any reasonable standards, and I am sick of my life being held subordinate to her whims. I am also scared of being alone and on my own. I just want normal here. What should I do?
—Sister’s Keeper
( Read more... )
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2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a fun, creative, and sensitive 5-year-old son. Earlier this month, he had a bad virus and was hospitalized for weeks. He’s (thankfully!) fine now, but one of the outcomes seems to be a lot of unprocessed rage. Two weeks out of the hospital and the most minor of things will set him off screaming and melting down. This behavior is completely new to us (previously he was prone to cry and take some space if he was upset). The sorts of things that set him off are: dinner not being ready, a play date coming to an end, a friend interrupting him while he’s talking. And even when I (his mother) am not the “cause” of his rage, it will often be directed at me.
I wonder if this is because I’m the safe harbor for his feelings or (more upsettingly) if it’s because he views me as complicit in some uncomfortable medical moments (e.g., holding him still for blood tests and the insertion of IVs). His meltdowns mostly (but not always) occur at home, and I don’t want to overreact to what may be a short-term problem as his emotions level out. But I also don’t want to just stand by if there’s something to be done that might help him. Currently, I’m trying to talk to him about his feelings, reiterating my unconditional love, and acknowledging how hard it’s been for him. When he does act out in school, his teachers are being understanding—but I fear that, as time passes, their sympathy will wane. Do you have any advice? Would a therapist be overkill? How long might this go on for? I don’t know any children who’ve had similar experiences so I feel a bit at sea!
—Relieved but Now A Scapegoat
( Read more... )
My sister is three years younger than me and has crippling anxiety. She will not dip a toe out of her comfort zone, which is basically just our family. She has zero friends besides me. My male cousins were able to get out of babysitting her by the time they were in middle school. I was stuck until high school graduation. I couldn’t have friends over and not include her. I couldn’t go out with friends and not include her. My parents forced me to rearrange my lunches in high school when she started so she wouldn’t be alone. I went into 4H because my sister has an intense fear of animals and birds (she will have a panic attack if a chicken wanders up near her). Supposedly, she was in therapy and on medication, but she only got worse as she got older. She threw a fit when I went to community college near a relative rather than stay here. My parents threatened to not help me pay and only backed down after my grandmother got involved.
Now, I am 23 and in a serious relationship. My sister managed to graduate high school but she has never had a job and going to community college is too “hard.” I brought my boyfriend home for the first time, and my sister acted like a jealous ex. She wanted to be velcroed to my side and hated if my boyfriend even touched me. She cut him off in conversation and even told him to shut up when someone asked about our future plans. I finally pulled my sister aside and told to stop acting creepy and needy or we would be leaving. She had a very public fit, so we left. My parents are furious and accused me of deliberately triggering my sister. Honestly, at this point, I don’t know if I should cut my immediate family off. My sister is an adult even if she is dysfunctional. My parents refuse to hold her to any reasonable standards, and I am sick of my life being held subordinate to her whims. I am also scared of being alone and on my own. I just want normal here. What should I do?
—Sister’s Keeper
( Read more... )
2. Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a fun, creative, and sensitive 5-year-old son. Earlier this month, he had a bad virus and was hospitalized for weeks. He’s (thankfully!) fine now, but one of the outcomes seems to be a lot of unprocessed rage. Two weeks out of the hospital and the most minor of things will set him off screaming and melting down. This behavior is completely new to us (previously he was prone to cry and take some space if he was upset). The sorts of things that set him off are: dinner not being ready, a play date coming to an end, a friend interrupting him while he’s talking. And even when I (his mother) am not the “cause” of his rage, it will often be directed at me.
I wonder if this is because I’m the safe harbor for his feelings or (more upsettingly) if it’s because he views me as complicit in some uncomfortable medical moments (e.g., holding him still for blood tests and the insertion of IVs). His meltdowns mostly (but not always) occur at home, and I don’t want to overreact to what may be a short-term problem as his emotions level out. But I also don’t want to just stand by if there’s something to be done that might help him. Currently, I’m trying to talk to him about his feelings, reiterating my unconditional love, and acknowledging how hard it’s been for him. When he does act out in school, his teachers are being understanding—but I fear that, as time passes, their sympathy will wane. Do you have any advice? Would a therapist be overkill? How long might this go on for? I don’t know any children who’ve had similar experiences so I feel a bit at sea!
—Relieved but Now A Scapegoat
( Read more... )