Two letters to Carolyn Hax

[conuly]

1. Dear Carolyn: I raised two kids, and I stayed home full time when they were small. Once I went back to work — my youngest was 4 — my life basically revolved around my job and my kids. I made lunches and took them to school in the morning, worked, then came home and spent the rest of my day focused on them.

I’m not saying that’s the only way to do it, but I distinctly remember having almost no energy left over and having to drop some friendships, activities and social groups.

Now my son and his wife, “Linda,” have two children under 6, and Linda has a dance card full of activities every single week. For a long time, it was her and my son’s business, but I am asked to babysit now at least twice a week, sometimes more often. I always say yes because I love my grandchildren, but I catch myself thinking it’s not fair — not to the kids, not to my son and not to me — that Linda seems not to have slowed down her social life whatsoever since having small children.

Is there a gracious way to intervene, or do I just carry these feelings in silence?

— Anonymous

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2. Dear Carolyn: I have two daughters. “A” is 16, a junior in high school. “B” is 15, a freshman. B showed a gift for music at a young age. We encouraged her gift, and she works incredibly hard. When B was in junior high, she outgrew the resources we had in our town. B was accepted into a performing arts high school on partial scholarship, but this required a move to a new city. My husband and I got approval to work remotely from the new city, A is attending the public high school, B is at the performing arts school. B is absolutely thriving at her new school.

At a concert, A met a boy in B’s section and they started dating. B has the kind of focus and intensity that a lot of gifted people have, which makes them really wonderful at their gift but not always able to see the big picture. B sees this relationship as a threat to her music and wants A to break up with him and date somebody at her own school. A refuses. A and B are now engaging in verbal barbs constantly, and it’s getting very difficult to live with. My husband just ignores them and says they’re “doing teenage stuff.” I think this is way beyond normal teenage arguments and there are some very hurt feelings. I want to talk to the girls separately and together about this. My husband refuses to, but also won’t stop me if I try. Do I talk to them, or just let it play out?

— Parent

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(no subject)

[conuly]

Dear Amy: My husband went to a prestigious Ivy League law school. He has never worn any clothing items or hats featuring his school’s logo.

I noticed last year that college-team coaches were wearing nice-quality, very attractive athletic shirts. I knew my husband, with his trim but muscular build, would look great in one. I found one with a subdued logo for his law school and was excited to give it to him for his birthday. And he looks great in it!

Now that football season has started, I’ve twice suggested he wear it when we go out to casual places – once to a winery and again to an outdoor restaurant with friends. Both times, he made an excuse not to wear it, and so I asked him why. He has always enjoyed wearing sweatshirts and hats from his undergraduate university, but he admitted he didn’t really feel comfortable wearing this shirt because it would make him look like an elitist.

I think he should be proud of attending this law school. It’s all over his bio and CV and in Martindale-Hubbell, so what’s the big deal if he wears a high-quality shirt with a tasteful logo? Do you think people generally see this as an elitist thing to do?

– Ivy Leaguer’s Wife

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