Carolyn Hax: Productivity

[cereta]

Adapted from a reader chat.

Dear Carolyn: Before the pandemic, my wife and I — early 30s, both lawyers — had long working hours and frequent business travel, with weekends spent largely on family events and cultural activities. Once our respective firms sent us to work at home, we calculated we would gain 30-plus hours a week, even while still working full-time, due to not commuting, traveling or socializing in person. We promised each other we would use that time to be productive in ways our prior schedules did not permit.

I kept up my end of the bargain: In six months I read 25 biographies, developed decent conversational skills in two foreign languages, upped my running program to the point that I am marathon-ready, and started volunteering for voter registration advocacy, all while continuing to work full-time. My wife has done … not so much. She has been reading fantasy novels, occasionally watching a History Channel documentary, and has generally used the time to “unwind.”

I have confronted her several times, and she tells me she is “rejecting productivity culture” and doesn't feel like improving herself right now. We share housework, cooking, and other practical matters, and she does exercise, but I'm getting increasingly frustrated — disgusted, even — that she would waste this gift of free time just to watch TV and read books better suited for children.

I have asked her to get counseling and a depression evaluation, but she has refused and thinks she is conducting herself “fine.” Do you have any suggestions, other than divorce?

— Productive

Productive: Divorce might be her best option, so do I have to leave it out?

Wow.

People are different. People can be different and still be good. People can be different and still be worthy. They can have different needs, want different things, set different goals, have different levels of energy and ambition, evolve in different ways. If you can't love and respect someone who made the perfectly valid decision to enjoy life, then maybe the most generous thing you can do is admit your heart isn't in the marriage anymore, and free you both to discuss what comes next.

Is anyone so awesome a catch that it would be worth not being loved or respected — worth arousing “disgust” — just to stay married?

Plus, if your definition of “improving” oneself didn’t include rest and juicy novels, then our differences would be irreconcilable.

But I digress. She's not taking advantage of you, leaving an illness or bad habit unaddressed, or betraying you. She's working, doing her share of chores, taking care of herself. “Fine” sounds fine.

You, within your rigid ideas of a life worth living, just don't like her — that's what you're saying, to my ear. So what else am I supposed to suggest? Language tapes over your home's speakers, like heavy metal outside an embassy in Panama, to break her?

Readers' thoughts:

· “Just to read books better suited for children"? Holy cats!! Reading anything different from what she reads all day will be good for recharging and growth. Your way to “improve yourself” isn’t the same for your wife — nor should you be the one to decide how she uses this time.

· Something tells me that, pre-covid, Productivity Guy was super busy because he wanted to be, and his wife was super busy because she was forced to be.

· The contempt in that question is so palpable it’s tough to see them coming back from it.

· I suspect Productive doesn’t particularly like himself, either. That’s the toxicity of the cult of productivity. It convinces us we’re worthless if we’re not constantly checking items off a to-do list.

There was an update: divorce. Read here.

There was another update: reconciliation. Read here.

Harriette flubs it, as usual

[conuly]

DEAR HARRIETTE: I know you usually talk to adults, but I need help. My parents are in the middle of getting of divorce, and it's been tough on the whole family, but it's for the best because their relationship hasn't been working for many years. I am 13 years old, and they told me that I need to pick who I want to live with for the majority of the year. They think it's best that I stay in one spot for school, and it can get exhausting to have to switch houses every week.

I agree with this, but I feel that when I choose one of my parents to live with, the other will feel offended or like I'm not on their side in the divorce. They have each been telling me that they won't be mad at me if I don't choose them, but I am still hesitant. The weight of the choice feels very heavy on me, and my parents have been pressuring me to decide soon. How do I make this choice without rocking the boat and creating more division in my family? -- Adult Decisions

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(no subject)

[conuly]

DEAR ABBY: Is it rude to move the front passenger seat in a car if you are only going to be in it for a short time? My fiance and I have been together nine years. I don't own a car, so he takes me everywhere, and I have the passenger seat adjusted perfectly.

When his 17-year-old daughter, who is only in the car once a month or so, gets in his car, the first thing she does is move the passenger seat. We are about the same height and weight, and I see no need for her to do it when she's in the car for only 20 minutes or so.

My fiance refuses to ask her to leave the seat where it is, but I feel she's being disrespectful and that he should say something to her about it. Please help. This is causing a lot of arguments and hurt feelings. -- AGGRAVATED PASSENGER

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